Monday, 22 December 2014

Back On Track

I can't believe I'm saying this but my relationship seems to be getting back on track. I'm starting to feel how I used to feel, I've started to crave our naked cuddles and his touch, I look forward to seeing him, our sex life has improved, I've started blushing around him again and our conversations are better. I don't know how this has happened, I guess my mental block has calmed down a bit and it's allowing me to feel things again. We did have a good discussion about everything that's wrong in our relationship not long ago which may have helped me get closure on things. We openly discussed what we'd do if we broke up and I didn't like the idea of losing him forever, being at friends only level and seeing him with someone new.

I'm enjoying the relationship and I can tell he's happier about things now. Let's hope this works out!

Monday, 8 December 2014

I shouldn't have introduced him to Snapchat

As the title indicates, I introduced my boyfriend to snapchat. He didn't use it a whole lot to begin with but now he uses it all the time to make jokes with his guy friends which doesn't bother me (aside from him being on his phone a lot). I soon found he had his female best friend on it which didn't bother me that much. However, when I click on his name, she was once third in the list, now she's first which means he's sending snaps to her more than his male friends. Now this concerns me. I also saw he had blocked a couple of people, one of which was the girl we had argued a lot about because he wouldn't stop talking to. I believe it was only a few months ago that I made him aware of snapchat, he had supposedly stopped talking to her way before then so why would he have blocked her on snapchat? He said he's had snapchat for longer than a few months.

I'd like to think that I'm being paranoid again (I hate it), but things never seem to add up with my boyfriend. I usually feel gullible, like he's playing a game that he knows too well but he's acting innocent and what woman wants to be messed about by a younger lad?

Monday, 1 December 2014

Rest In Peace

My dog was euthanized at 6:40pm this evening, aged 17 years old. She was definitely a fighter, that's probably why it felt so wrong to take her life away but today it was clear, she didn't have much of a life. She hadn't eaten for days and her last walk was a couple of months ago, she could barely walk or stand in her last weeks. I spent all day today, trying my best to comfort her but being blind, deaf and arthritic, there wasn't much I could do. I searched frantically online for advice on making a dying dog as comfortable as possible and all said about hugging the animal as well as talking to them - I could do neither. I did have her on my lap for a bit but she eventually became restless so I placed her gently on her bed. We believed that she was also having minor seizures whilst being confused and barking. How can you comfort a blind, deaf, arthritic dog who's having seizures? Websites don't consider things like that.
This time is always so painful for us pet owners, I don't know why we put ourselves through it. I feel so emotionally drained, I've been crying all day causing myself a tension headache, the whole family is feeling it. We keep looking at her corpse wishing she'd wake up and our minds are making us believe she's moving/breathing. She looks so peaceful though.

She will always be in our hearts, just like her sister. RIP <3

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Always Finding New Things

I'm always finding out new things about my boyfriend and it's not always good. After about a year and a half together, he admitted to seeing a girl when we first met (though we weren't dating). He completely dropped the girl for me which I thought was rude on her. Then months after that he told me he had kissed her during the short time he was seeing her, which made the whole thing worse and made me wonder why he didn't tell me the first time. I always feel bad for her and I made him bad for it too.

Now he's shown a new side. I had a bit of a dispute with a college friend and of course, I told my boyfriend because I tell him everything. Everything faded out though by the end of the day and my friend and I were okay. I went home thinking nothing of it. I then get a call from my friend telling me my boyfriend had contacted him about it and basically had a go at him for what happened! I was pretty annoyed and my friend thought I knew about it all which was worse. My boyfriend didn't tell me about it and actually tried to keep it from me after I gave him the opportunity to tell me. Once I got it out of him, he only told me half of what he said and later told me the whole story when I called him out on it.

All of this hiding things from me and withdrawing information makes me worry about who he is deep down. I always felt he was a lovely innocent person who I was deeply in love with. Now he's someone I can't trust as much as before, who I no longer see as innocent as he once was. It's like he's changing into a bad person and I can't do anything to stop it. His true personality is unfolding before my eyes and it's difficult to watch.

Monday, 10 November 2014

Big Relationship Problem

I've been feeling pretty emotionless lately, particularly when with my boyfriend. It could be because I feel my depression is coming back but it's hit me so hard, it's all I'm ever thinking about. My ex's were knobheads, now I find a perfect guy and this happens. I never ever felt this way with them so I'm so confused as to what's causing it.

I know I won't feel butterflies all the time when with my boyfriend, those days have gone and I never expected to feel them always. The honeymoon phase is over but when I felt it was going, I still very much loved him and I still got super excited about seeing him. Now I don't feel anything. I drift away when he's talking, I don't get excited about seeing him and we say that we love each other so much, it feels fake. A lot of the time, I wish he'd be quiet because he's talking about something that's irrelevant or uninteresting. I actually like having disagreements/arguments with him because it's exciting. I find him a nuisance a lot more than normal, I find a lot of what he does irritating and even his mannerisms bug me now. Yet, I still get days where I miss him and can't wait to see him. I've had times like these before but they pass, though this time feels more intense and has lasted longer.

I hate myself for feeling this way. Any girl would die to have him, he treats me so well and will do anything for me. I couldn't ask for more from a guy yet he does that and more already! I feel bad on him because lately he's been so in love with me (strangely around the same time I've become distant). He's become even more keen on moving out whilst the idea is not so appealing to me, now I'm feeling this way. My boyfriend has noticed there's something wrong with me. I just don't know what to say to him. I've told him before that I felt bored in the relationship, that it felt fairly repetitive and he said he didn't feel that way but still tried to spruce things up for me.

I have a few ideas as to what could be causing this. It could be one thing in particular or many things combined.

As I said before, he's been very lovey dovey with me, more than normal. Before, I used to have to try so hard to get any kind of emotion out of him and sometimes I felt he was bored with me and like he didn't care. I'd told him this many times before and it seems overnight, he's been extremely soppy; telling me how much he loves me all the time, he can't leave me alone when we're together, admiring me from afar etc. I'm not complaining but sometimes it can feel suffocating so I withdraw myself away from him which makes him sad and makes me feel bad. When he was so soppy so suddenly and for so long, I instantly thought that maybe he'd done something he regrets and he's being like that to make up for something. Even my brother and mother thought there was something dodgy about it. I guess I feel like he's let me down again by chatting to another girl and keeping it hidden. I know he most likely isn't, he's just showing his love and I'd look terrible for saying it's all to hide something he's done. He'd feel like he can never do anything right in my eyes. But it's like my brain has shut down trying to protect me, assuming the worst and I have to reopen it somehow.

It could also be boredom. We see each other every day and it can be repetitive. We text each other good morning, ask how we are, what we are upto and then we see each other. When he goes home, we text goodnight and I love you. This happens everyday and has been for the whole 20 months. We made an attempt to sort this out but my boyfriend didn't feel there was anything wrong and it didn't last long. I'm worried I could be taking him for granted now though I still appreciate all he does for me. Maybe I've taken the rose tinted glasses off; I'm no longer his biggest fan.

As I referred to, in the past couple of weeks, I've felt my anxiety get worse and my depression resurface. This could be due to the fact that college is getting pretty stressful right now. I have this unfortunate thing in which I basically shut down when I feel stressed or emotionally threatened. I go into catastrophe mode, I can't cope, I lose all sight on how to get out of my position so I shut off, including my emotions. So I feel a mixture of this and his previous antics are contributing.

Another, quite major part is that I haven't been single for more than a year since I was 14 years old. I've been in relationships for roughly 5 years now. I haven't had much me time. I have never gone out clubbing when single. I have never kissed a random stranger. I guess I feel that I should have that time, especially because I feel I'll be with my boyfriend for the rest of my life. It's almost like the certainty of being with him is freaking me out, making me think about the things I'm missing out on.

I've made good friends in college. I laugh harder with them than I do with my boyfriend which makes me feel like maybe we're not so compatible after all. I don't think I've ever laughed hard with my boyfriend without feeling like it's a fake one, although I find what he's done/said pretty funny. It's a strange feeling which I also feel terrible for, like I'm leading him on. I worry that this could also be a defence mechanism; I'm restricting myself from allowing too much of myself to show to him. Maybe I'm experiencing stronger friendships, stronger than my own relationship.

I have considered that maybe I'm falling out of love with him, especially as little things he did before now irritate me but how could I fall out of love with someone who's so good to me? I still find him attractive, I still care about him and want him to do well, I still have times that I miss him. I've never fallen out of love with a guy, especially when they're treating me right. I feel terrible feeling this way, particularly because I know it's only me that's feeling this way. He sees nothing wrong with us but I'm fighting my own battles in this relationships.

I'm so confused, sad and lost. I hope my feelings of love come back soon.

Tuesday, 28 October 2014


I have no empathy anymore, I feel that most people don’t deserve it. You could say that’s selfish or heartless but I’ve become someone who only invests emotion into those who I feel truly deserve it. You can’t go far wrong if you’re careful and if that means appearing to be a cold bitch, I’m fine with it.

I’m good at reading people and their intentions, though some are harder than others to crack. I know when someone is being genuine or not. I guess that’s what you learn when you’ve been with someone who wore a mask and hid who they really were.

I can see people’s masks; when they put them on, when they take them off and who they wear them for. You could say it’s a nifty skill to have and sometimes it feels that way but a lot of the time it’s a curse. Seeing the amount of people hiding or lying so much to others is deflating. You constantly wish everyone was honest about themselves and you try to set the example, lead the path of honesty but most people will view you as weird. We live in a world filled with lies and deceit, everyone is almost afraid of being themselves, yet we live life like we’re oblivious. How can people not see other’s masks? How can people not distinguish between those who wear a mask to protect themselves to those who wear one for attention? It’s aggravating to say the least.

Friday, 24 October 2014

I've found real friendship

I used to be quite a loud and popular person in high school; I spoke to nearly everyone and it seemed that most people liked my presence. After high school, I realised that I had only two friends; a childhood friend and one guy I met in high school who's fancied me for years.

My childhood friend has always had issues and although our friendship has improved recently, it's not remarkable. I asked her to be my best friend about 15 years ago and we have been ever since. I thought our friendship was quite special and still do now to some extent because we've stuck around for so long.
When we were younger I felt she copied me at just about everything and not only that, she had to go that little bit further. I once bought an expensive teddy and named her Elizabeth. Not long after, she bought a nice teddy and called her Libby, which I'm sure you know is a shorter version for Elizabeth. I'd bought mine some outfits, she went out and got a couple exactly like mine because she thought they were so nice. I was happy with the bear and clothes I had, but she then went and got a teddy wardrobe and cot for it! That kind of situation happened a lot growing up, she even copied my laugh and mannerisms but I didn't mind her copying me too much, she was looking up to me (I think she still does now).

In high school, she started hanging around with the "cool" people. She didn't alienate me from her at that time, but I felt our friendship was going to end after high school because she seemed to prefer her new friends over me. I knew her new friends weren't genuine; they all needed someone to follow them around and my friend was someone to do that. You could say she's always been a lost puppy who just needed to be accepted somewhere and she was. My friend involved me in parties but for the most part, she was enjoying her time with them and I was enjoying my time with my friends.

Like I predicted, a year or so after high school, she admits that she's lost contact with most of the people from high school and the one friend she was really close with (whom she probably preferred over me for quite some time) didn't seem to care about her problems. That's where I came in. She suffers with depression and has real bad mood swings so about 3 times a week, I'll get a huge text/rant in which I reply with some advice. I don't really mind doing it; I like to help where I can. However, it makes me feel like she's just using me as a shrink now she has no-one left. Exactly what she'd do in high school. She would regularly blow me off to hang out with others, she'd invite me somewhere, only for her to cancel last minute or most prominently, she would ask me to go out because her other friends had cancelled on her. I became that rebound friend. So although she doesn't/hasn't treated me very well in the past, I feel like we benefit from each other but I don't remember it ever feeling like a genuine mutual friendship. A lot of the time I see her, it feels forced, not because I actually want to see her. I'm not saying I don't enjoy being with her, I just never have that craving to see her and haven't had it with anyone until recently so I presumed it was the norm or that I wasn't a very social person anymore.

The guy who's liked me throughout high school and even to this day (not as much now) is friends with me, for that reason. I know if he didn't have some feelings for me, he would not be friends with me now. He always says he genuinely cares about me and to be fair, he does show it but I feel it's only because of his feelings. I don't feel like the friendship is genuine, I rarely if at all have an urge to see him and sometimes I don't want to as he can make things uncomfortable.

Now I've made new friends in college, it's made me question my longest lasting friendships. I've made one friend in particular who I get along with really well and he also agrees that we do. It's gotten to the point that we say the same thing or just one look and we know exactly what the other is thinking. We have the same sense of humour, he can have intelligent discussions, he's mature, he's trustworthy, not clingy and a genuinely great person. He brings out the best in me and makes my day brighter. I've never been around someone like that. He even has qualities my boyfriend doesn't and can me feel happier than ever. Most of the time, I look forward to seeing him and feel sad when I leave college. I don't think I've ever felt like that over a friend before. Despite practically pushing myself into the group at the end of last year for other reasons, they've made me feel accepted and have openly said how they prefer me over other people in the group who've been in it for the entirety of the friendship!

This is the first time that a friendship has made me beam with happiness whilst driving home, just from the thought of my friends. This is the first time I want to socialise and make an effort with these people because they're so good to me, I don't want to lose them! It's a strange, yet sadly new feeling but it's also a nice one.

Thursday, 16 October 2014

Emotional Distance

My relationship with my boyfriend seems to be hanging by a thread and it's not like we've had a huge falling out; I've started to feel distant and don't view him and the relationship the same way. I believe I'm feeling this way because of what he did a couple of months ago, referring back to the incident that was described in this post. I've been wondering why everything he does irritates me, why I want some more space and when he's over, I don't get super excited as much. All of this developed after that incident. Now we argue nearly every time we see each other and he's been having these random tantrums at me which has never happened before. There's definitely tension in our relationship and despite speaking to him about how I'm feeling and him diligently assuring me that he'd never want to lose me, nothing much has changed. He has tried a bit more to help me and our relationship get back on track, but I still feel distant.
It's kind of worried me that my subconscious is so strong. It's clear that because he hurt me so bad, I'm distancing myself to avoid being hurt again, either that or a huge chunk of respect for him has been lost. Distancing/numbing is my coping mechanism whether I like it or not.

I really hope this is a phase that we can get through. I know I love him to pieces and couldn't live without him but it doesn't feel worth it when I feel so distant. You shouldn't spend a relationship worrying about being hurt and I never have felt this way until now.

Monday, 29 September 2014

University for idiots

I have no interest in going to university and I never have really. It has more cons than pros in my opinion, yet I feel that I could probably get a degree if I really wanted one. It probably doesn't help that some of my teachers are trying to force university on me and the career I'm interested in, you can get a degree for but you can also get through a college course. You're also more likely to get employed with the college course because it's work based.
I'm interested in an animal based career and the only degree that's worth doing with animals is to become a vet but I honestly couldn't trust myself with it and I get stressed easily and I know the job is stressful. I'm happy being in a job that pays less and doesn't have as much responsibility to that of a vet. Maybe one day, I'll decide to get a degree as a vet but right now, it's not what I'm interested in.

In my college, however, there are people who really shouldn't go to university yet they want to go and it makes me feel.. uncomfortable almost. I know people can do what they want but some people make stupid decisions sometimes.

There is one girl who can barely read and spell properly, little things get her confused, she leaves every piece of coursework to the last minute or completely misses the deadline (something you can't do in uni), she scraped through the first year of our college course, most thought she'd fail and she's much more interested in her social life. Now she's decided to go to university to become a vet! I feel like she's going for the social experience (she literally never gets off her phone to someone) and she knows that more guys will sleep with her when she's there (she sleeps with every guy she sees). She's too laid back when it comes to education and I can see her missing lectures just to get high or fuck another student. University will most definitely not be for her, yet she's suddenly determined to go.

Another girl who failed nearly all of her high school qualifications, her vocabulary is restricted and she non stop embarrasses herself in lessons because she literally doesn't know anything about anything so asks questions that are blatantly obvious or that everyone knows. She's honestly not the brightest spark.

And another girl who actually did fail the first year of her course and has now gone onto something else said she was going to go to university and an employer was going to send her to one. I don't know what's going on though since she failed. She was honestly one of the thickest people I'd ever met.

So to see all these people wanting to go to university whilst I feel exceptionally more intelligent than these people, it constantly makes me question my decision about not going to university. If one of those girls went through university and actually got a degree then I most likely will go for one myself because it can't be that bad if they got through it. But if none of them came out with a degree, then it'd back up my view that university wasn't for them and I'd still feel like I should probably go because I feel more capable of it. People say I'm intelligent but I don't believe in myself enough and I'd hate for my own insecurities to hold me back from doing well for myself.

Two of my friends who I consider to be very bright, probably brighter than me if I'm honest, both want the same job I want. One of them was considering university but after her work experience, felt like she wanted the same career we're striving for. I don't know how three fairly dumb people want to go to university, whilst three bright people, one of which won an award for her efforts and good work, don't want to go to university.

After this year, I'm going to have to make my decision - go into that college course or sign up for uni. 95% of me says do the college course and 5% says to go to uni. I don't particularly want to continue education but the college course I'm looking into is mainly working in a practice and coming into college once or twice a week for theory. I most likely will get paid too so it seems a win/win - get educated whilst getting paid. Obviously that doesn't happen when you go to uni, you just get into debt.

Decisions, decisions...

Friday, 26 September 2014

My tattoo

I got my first tattoo yesterday! It's only a small one on the inside of my wrist representing me and my mother and our close relationship. The figurines are intertwined like an infinity sign. It's really sweet but of course, that's not the response I received from my own family. Before I got the tattoo, my brother and father said that women with tattoos are trashy and my father said that I'll end up on Jeremy Kyle because of one small tattoo - that's how pathetic my father is. According to my brother, my own grampy insulted it which makes me glad I didn't go out to show him when he went past.

The evening I got it, my mum warned me (though she didn't have to) that my brother will most definitely insult it and that he did. He could see what it was and what it meant, yet he said everything but what it was to insult it. I ignored him but this morning my dad got in on the action and started insulting it. I felt like crying. Both my father and brother were bouncing insults back and forth at me whilst I remained silent. When I went to work experience, I just wanted to cry and it didn't help that my boyfriend upset me yesterday by belittling me in front of my mother and friend. It doesn't help that my mum has permanent hawk eyes on guys I date after my last abusive relationship. I could tell she wasn't happy with what he was saying.

My dad wonders why I only got a tattoo for my mum and not him. Maybe it's because he's suck a childish, dickhead to me all the time. Maybe it's because he has no idea what's going on in my life and never supports me in anything. Maybe because I feel my mum is my only parent because she shows her love and respect for me; she's there for me all the time and knows exactly what's going on in my life. Maybe because my mother is the best person ever and he's a complete waste of space. My father is just a sperm donor to me who also helped create a devil child (my brother).

Can I ever have a supportive, kind family? Ugh.

Monday, 8 September 2014

Life is better if you're rich, in more ways than one

Of course, rich people do get an easier life, whether they worked, inherited, won or illegally gained that wealth. If they want a new home, they buy one. If they want the latest car, they buy one. If they want the latest gadget, they buy it. If they need a holiday, they go on one. One other thing they get, that isn't considered, is more respect, more specifically for their property.

Now, I have a little 10 year old Ford KA which is my pride and joy. I've worked very hard to get that car and I still work hard to keep and maintain her. I have a lot of respect for that little car, something others do not, mainly due to them not realising how precious she is to me and how much it costs to keep her going. Today, this was shown when my wing mirror had been hit back, for me to then realise this on the motorway so I was unable to see who was next to me.

This got me thinking. If I had a Bentley parked there, people would most likely be more cautious of it. Most people probably wouldn't dare touch it, but when they see an old Ford KA, that decency seems to go out the window. They don't consider that despite the owner not being rich, they've still worked hard for it. I know it depends on upbringing too, I'm very careful when walking through a tight car park to avoid doing the exact same thing that happened to my car. Others just don't care but I know that the vast majority would be much more careful if I had a nicer car.

Thursday, 28 August 2014

The Objectification of Women

Who is to blame for the objectification of women? I came across a question which covered this and I was quite disgruntled about what I read.

A large portion of people believe that both are to blame and a large portion of those focused mainly on the woman's role. A few men believed it was purely the woman's fault and I didn't see one person say it was men's fault. I honestly don't understand how that could've happened.
What was most shocking was the amount of men who were quick to defend other men, saying that men can be treated like objects too. That is a fair point but some of them left it at that and didn't offer a decent opinion of the objectification of women. It was almost like they were denying that women were objectified, most commonly so, and instead took it as an attack against men. It's not an attack, it's a way of bringing up a universal problem but those who contribute to the problem are quick to take offense which isn't the point. This observed behaviour happens in nearly every discussion of women oppression; there is always one who feels that it's unfair to rule out men in the situation, despite the discussion being based entirely on women and their experiences because women are the vast majority of rape/sexuala assault/violence/abuse victims.

The person who asked the question was a female who actually blamed women for their own objectification if they behave or dress in a certain way, but where do we draw the line when it comes to rape victims? I doubt that woman would say that rape victims brought it on themselves for wearing a short skirt, but what she originally said was along the same line of thought. Other girls said it didn't really bother them, but it's attitudes like that which allow objectification and disrespect of women to continue.

No-one deserves to be raped and that includes male/female prostitutes, those who are deemed as "asking for it" and those who "deserve it" due to their behaviour and dress code. Keep in mind, not every prostitute join the industry through choice, some are forced into it by pimps or even their own family so it should never be assumed that they chose to put themselves in vulnerable situations.

You cannot say a woman who objectifies herself deserves to be treated like a sexual object that can be used and abused, then disposed of when required. The media has played a large role in women becoming more likely to objectify themselves to feel desired by men. They're playing on an insecurity that most likely stemmed from media itself. Women who do objectify themselves should not be supported by men.

But how on earth do you decide when a woman is objectifying herself when even your average, well mannered woman is objectified by the men around her? I personally dress to make myself look smart and presentable; I don't have cleavage on show, I don't wear ridiculously short shorts/skirts and I don't parade myself around like a promiscuous woman. However, I still get men who treat me like an object by hassling me, downright asking for sex or expecting it from me, speaking to me like I'm a piece of meat that is at their disposal and generally being disrespectful to me when my body language and dress code represent someone who demands respect. Women who are showing no skin still get raped and assaulted and usually by someone they know.

On that note, I'd like to leave a couple of videos about the objectification of women in gaming. Her videos and that question is what inspired me to write this and maybe it'll make some of you (hopefully more males) to see just how much female violence we see in gaming that we often overlook.

Women as Background Decoration - Part 1
Women as Background Decoration - Part 2

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

The Grey Area

My boyfriend and I are having some serious difficulties right now and I'm not sure what to think. Nowadays, when something like this happens, I go numb and can barely think straight so I'm finding it hard to deal with.

I was over his house and he went for food so I was on his tablet. I popped onto his Facebook and looked through his messages (I know I shouldn't have but I've looked before and found things). He had a message from a girl. A girl who we'd argued about twice now - each time he said he would delete her number and stop talking to her.

In my belief, he hadn't spoken to her for many months now but he had messaged her just ten days ago. Not only that, but she constantly asks him to text her instead so there are a lot of conversation I haven't read. I felt a bit sad that he'd lied again but then their conversation darkened. He wanted to play a questions game which turned out to be pure sexual questions. By this point, I felt a bit hurt. One part of me thought that it was highly inappropriate but another was saying that it's just a bit of harmless fun. I mean, I've spoken to my male friend about sexually related things, but I don't hide him/his messages from my boyfriend. I believe if he hadn't acted so shady before with this girl, it wouldn't be such a large problem but at that point, it looked like he had bad intentions with her.

He came back but I kept what I saw quiet. I didn't want him to be annoyed that I looked through his messages again. He left again for another reason and I was on his tablet but on the internet. I opened a tab to go on Google and there were a couple sites underneath in the recently visited area which caught my eye. One was Omegle, I was shocked because I didn't think he was the type to go on chat rooms. I go on them all the time (not Omegle) but it's because I'm a tad introverted and I just like talking to new people. Then I worried that maybe he was on them to talk sexually with girls. I tried to ignore that idea until I saw the other website. At first I thought it was a porn site which I don't have a problem with at all but this website was purely for hooking up with women and finding fuck buddies! At that point, I blew a fuse.

I started thinking that maybe he does have bad intentions with that girl and that he was also looking elsewhere. I thought maybe he is going on Omegle to chat up girls.

My heart sank.

He came back and I confronted him but he didn't react how I expected him to react. He froze and asked what it was. I could tell his heart was racing, he was in shock. Then he changed the subject; something he did when I first confronted him about the girl when she text him after he told me they'd stopped talking! Though this time, he knew it was more serious. He said he'd never seen it before but said nothing else. He didn't apologise or comfort me when I started crying, which he normally does. I eventually left and went to my car, he never followed. About half an hour later, I said if he was sorry and he loved me, he would've come out to talk and comfort me so he eventually did. I cried my heart out in front of him for about half an hour, my mascara was all over my face. I cried so hard.

My boyfriend said today that the thought of losing me was like someone who's close to him dying. I told him that's why I cried so hard last night; he's my other half, another part of me and now I felt like that part had died. I'd lost part of me and my future. I've never been so sure of anyone until I met him. He's been so good to me up until now, I thought he'd never break my heart but he has. He's shown another side to him and it's truly painful.

You're probably wondering why the title is what it is. I'm referring to that grey area in between faithfulness and infidelity.

I don't like it but I've not got a problem with him talking to girls as long as it's innocent. He was playing a game with her for a bit of harmless fun which was based on sexual acts. Whereas, if he'd asked her to send him a nude, he'd be single.

I don't have a problem with him watching porn but him on a site like that is dodgy as fuck. When I asked him to prove he didn't have an account, (surprise, surprise) the history had already been deleted. He said that it probably popped up when he was looking for porn or clicked on thinking it was porn but it wasn't. There's a lot of grey area around the way he reacted and some of his stories don't add up.

He's apologised so much and even my friends have said that he sounds genuinely sorry and think he most likely won't do it again. They still agreed it was wrong, however.

We're meant to be going to a theme park tomorrow for his birthday which is this Friday. It's also our 17 month anniversary tomorrow so it's the worst time for this to happen, yet we're still not 100%. Even if he comes over tonight, it'll probably be quite awkward and tomorrow may feel a bit forced if we do go. I don't know what to believe.

Relationships suck sometimes.

Friday, 22 August 2014

Thoughts on the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

I'm sure most of you reading this have come across the challenge that is, the Ice Bucket Challenge. I'm sure, well I hope you know that the challenge is done to raise awareness and money for the ALS charity. Those who do the challenge don't have to donate, but they nominate others. Those who are nominated must do the challenge and nominate others within 24 hours. If they do not complete the challenge within that time, they must donate to the charity.

At first, people were doing it for the right cause and mentioning the charity but of course, young teenagers, specifically girls have taken it as a way to get likes or to look like they're caring. Now the charity isn't mentioned in posts and young girls are doing it in their bikini which we all know is completely unnecessary. What's worse is that people are completely hijacking the challenge and changing what charity the donations are going to, commonly to cancer charities which already get millions each year. In my opinion, the ALS charity created the challenge, it should remain their challenge and all proceeds should go to them.

So if you've been nominated for the Ice Bucket Challenge and you want to do it, mention the ALS charity and actually put ice in your bucket! If you've been nominated but don't plan on doing the challenge, then why not donate or at least share something which raises awareness for the ALS charity?

Monday, 11 August 2014

Getting fitter

I'm currently interested in getting myself fitter through cardio and strengthening, accompanied with dieting. I hope to lose 13lbs and go down to 9st or just under. Apart from being thinner, I hope to get toned and look fit. I've bought all the kit to help motivate me (Tip #1); gym top and leggings, a Karrimor jogging water bottle, new Karrimor trainers and new Slazenger socks.

Yesterday, I ate around 1200 healthy calories and went for a little jog. Nothing too extreme but I still felt proud that I did it. Today, I went to my boyfriend's house so he could put me through some strengthening exercises and boy did that hurt! I had the nice burn for about 5 minutes after it, then I really started paying for it.

I've realised I'm not someone who gets that buzz from exercise; I get a headache, I'm exhausted and feel terrible, but the only thing in my head that keeps me going are my inspirations (Tip #2), knowing that it's going to make me healthier, it'll get easier as time goes by and I love being able to say, "I did it. I've beaten so many couch potatoes!".

I weighed myself yesterday and I weighed 9st 13lbs. Today, I weighed myself and I was 9st 12lbs. I'm not saying that that's a positive pound lost, many factors can slightly alter your weight but I'd like to think I'm getting somewhere!

I have work tomorrow but I may still go for a jog afterwards or I may leave that for Wednesday to allow my body to recover a bit.

I'm hoping that throughout this journey, I could get support from you guys. It would greatly help and I'd happily support anyone going through a weight loss journey.

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Losing Hope

Originally posted August 2013 on another blog of mine

I don't want to admit it but I feel like I'm losing hope in men. The hope of there being more decent, considerate men with high morals and respect for women. Don't get me wrong, I have a lovely boyfriend and he treats me great, but nearly every guy I come across has hurt/betrayed/abused me in some way. I hate to say it, but it now feels like a waiting game before I get hurt by my boyfriend.
I've been treated poorly in the past but I've always been strong minded enough to not let it affect my view on all men. Until today, when yet another man, a trusted adult who I considered one of the greatest men I had ever met and had the privilege to work with, turned into a grooming pervert right before my eyes. I feel like I've gotten to the last straw now and I hate that I am. I even messaged my boyfriend today, saying I couldn't trust anyone nowadays and I've never said that to a boyfriend before. I made out to him that the incident today didn't really bother me but it surprisingly has.

I've been sexually, physically, emotionally and domestically abused by men throughout my life and it still hasn't stopped. I'm not saying I get physically, sexually and domestically abused on a regular basis but I still get bothered by men frequently. I get stalked/followed, I get taunted, I get sexist abuse/comments online and in real life, whistled at like a dog, seen and treated like a sexual, uneducated object and I'm fed up of it. I'm thankful for having a boyfriend who is willing to protect me from men (he already has had to protect me in the space of over a month) but he can't protect me when I'm alone and from the nightmares I have. It's ridiculous that I even have to be 'protected' from men in the 21st century. Every single day, I'm haunted with the memories that men have left behind for me to endure for the rest of my life and most of them have no idea of what they've caused.

I don't just mean my abusers but even random strangers in the street. My past has naturally made me a lot more pre-cautious of men because I know what they're capable of so a man merely whistling at me and referring to me as a 'thing' can remain in my memory for a long time and only adds to my view of men. I still remember memories of random strangers calling after me/following me/singing to me that happened nearly a decade ago! So when I get these flashbacks of my past, these things also come along with it and makes me frown upon men and makes me feel lower than I already did.

I know most of those random men are only being playful, but when you consider that 1 in 5 women have been/will be abused, you'll be surprised at how it can really affect them and intimidate them. So I plead with you men, that if you ever want to call after a woman or whistle at a woman, remember that you could potentially be intimidating them no matter how silly it sounds. There are nicer, not as intimidating ways to approach a woman other than whistling after her like a dog.

Update: I no longer have an amazing boyfriend. He also betrayed me, lied to me, cheated on me and purposefully hurt me. Yet another one to add to the list.

Monday, 28 July 2014

I think he's reconsidering marriage

My SO is pretty definite that he never wants to get married but lately, I've been getting a strong feeling that my SO is reconsidering that decision. In the past month or so, he's been doing and saying a lot of things which have given me this feeling. In a previous post, The Fake Proposal, I spoke about how I thought he was going to propose due to certain circumstances, despite my boyfriend constantly saying how he never wants to get married. Ever since then, marriage is something he's been bringing up a lot.

The first thing he did was sing a song about marriage to me, twice. The whole song is about asking the father for permission to marry his daughter and he sang it entirely, whilst looking me in the eyes. I asked jokingly, "who you marrying?" and he responded with "you". I waited for him to giggle and say he was only joking but he didn't.

Then a week or so ago, I was talking about how I couldn't remember things well and he very randomly said, "so you wouldn't be able to remember anniversaries then... if you ever got married". I tried to hide my happy/shock reaction whilst responding with, "well I remember your birthday and our anniversary fine", followed by "so who am I marrying?". I believe he said something along the lines of if I married someone else in future.

Then last night, he got a bit soppy and was saying how much he loved me. He was spurting out things about how amazing I was, how much he loved me then he said jokingly, "will you marry me?!". I decided to call him out on what he's been doing; I even said to him that it feels like he's reconsidering marriage and he didn't answer me. He heard me but he didn't give me an answer. Afterwards he spoke about how he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with me.

My SO knows I'm happy being with him, married or not. He is the one for me after all. I did talk to him about the legalities of marriage as in if one of us died and there was no will and no marriage, then everything would be taken away by the government and the other would be left with nothing. He did consider that aspect of marriage.

We often talk about how we want to spend the rest of our lives together, that we're soulmates, that we're the "one" for each other and how we've never been so sure of anyone before. We're both certain we've found our other half so I know there's no doubt in his mind.
He's very easily manipulated by people though. His parents aren't married so he feels there's no need for marriage to stay together (which is true) and his coworker has a bad marriage, they were going to divorce but haven't. He says people always divorce but he doesn't consider arranged/forced marriages, people marrying for money and for all the wrong reasons and those that are stupid and rush into marriage with someone they've just met or don't love, either knowingly or not.

Do you think he's reconsidering it?

Playing hard to get

Originally posted on my old blog which will soon be removed

I've come across guys who describe a woman who is completely uninterested in them and it's pretty obvious, but then they ask, “are they playing hard to get?”. I've even come across one guy who thought this girl was playing hard to get when she even told him she wasn't interested!

For starters, most if not, all women do not play this “hard to get” game. They either like you or they don't. If a girl likes you, she's going to want to jump straight into your arms, not make it harder and potentially lose you because she wanted to play a little game with you. If a girl didn't like you, she'd drop all contact with you or just say that she doesn't like you in that way. And I think that's where guys are going wrong.

If you feel like a woman is avoiding you, then you're probably right; she is. If she doesn't return your phone calls after a week, she's either a really busy person who never uses her phone or she's ignoring you. Put yourself in their position; if you had a missed call from someone you weren't interested in, would you call them back? If she does call back within a couple days, apologising to you for not calling back sooner, then she's probably interested and was just genuinely busy.

If you turn up somewhere and you see her look at you and leave immediately, she's clearly avoiding you. Now, in some cases, some girls can be shy but if they liked you and they were shy, they wouldn't completely leave the room. Just because they're shy, it doesn't mean they dislike being in your company. She may avoid eye contact with you (due to being shy) but still steal glances at you when she thinks you're not looking. If a woman completely avoids eye contact with you and you never catch her looking in your direction, even just to look at the pretty painting behind you, she's most likely avoiding you. Obviously, if the woman you're pursuing, walks up to you with a big smile on her face the moment she sees you, with the intentions of a good chat, then that's a clear sign she likes you.

If you ask her out on a date and she refuses, excuse or not, she either does have a genuine excuse for not being free or she's just not interested. Furthermore, if you ask her out multiple times on dates but she continually has excuses or cancels last minute, that's a huge sign she doesn't want to date you. If she really liked you, she'd make time for you. She'd probably even make time to go shopping for a new outfit to impress you on the day! But, remember, even girls who like you can get busy, things do come up at the last minute and her excuses can be genuine. I'd say after three attempts to get a date with her have failed, you should take it as a sign she's not interested and move on.

You guys get the picture...

The “hard to get” game is rarely present in real life. Like I said before, if you think a woman is ignoring/avoiding you, she probably is and you should move on instead of making yourself believe that she's just playing hard to get. If she liked you, she'd be in your arms by now!

Sunday, 27 July 2014

Maternal Instinct

This post was originally posted on my other blog which will soon be removed

I have never had a strong urge to have children. In fact, I believe I have no maternal instinct as they say. My monthly cycle has always been irregular and sometimes I don't have one for up to 3 months! So maybe that's a contributing factor.
What's strange is that my mother always had a very prominent maternal instinct and her only dream in life was to have a family. My partner doesn't want to get married but I don't mind. Married or not, I want to have a good career, but I'm still unsure about having children. This is mainly because not only lacking any want to have children, I weighed out the pro's and cons.

- Unconditional love
- Someone who looks up to you
- It's what makes a family
- You have someone to care for you when you're old

- 9 months of discomfort carrying them
- Ridiculous amount of pain and risks when giving birth
- Expensive
- Huge responsibility
- You're stuck with them for the rest of your life
- They're hard work
- It can affect your career
- Can put a strain on your relationship with your partner
- It's extremely stressful
- Huge change to normal life
- Less freedom
- Constant worry about their safety
- You need to be emotionally stable/strong to be a good parent to them correctly
- They can get into trouble as they grow older, causing more stress
- They can be disrespectful when teenagers towards you
- Usually permanent physical damage to the mum

There's probably more, but those are all I can think of right now. As you can see, there's reason behind my choice and I have thought about everything deeply, something I think a lot of future mothers don't do. Though I believe the maternal instinct completely hides all the cons of having children, that's what it's there for. Those without it see all the cons, so have no desire for children.

Whenever I held a baby, I thought they were cute but I always thought to myself 'they're not always going to be cute. They're going to grow up into human beings and at some point in their lives, disrespect their mother and all they've done for them.'
Whenever I see some baby shoes or clothes, I just think they're cute because of their size and I think about how I was that small when I was a baby. I never think ' one day, I'll be buying clothes like these for my baby!'. But a couple of my friends have said 'I can't wait to have children!' and I never felt the same way. It sometimes made me feel like something was wrong with me and I felt less of a woman.

In my past relationships, my partners would talk about having children and would get very excited but I always felt uncomfortable when they spoke about it, because I was unsure about my view on children and if I would have them. I do sometimes think to myself that when I'm older and (possibly) married, I'll just go for it and try to not overthink it too much, but my partner doesn't want children either (thank goodness). When I think of a future where I just have my husband/partner and a job, it makes me feel like it's half a life, but that could be society talking to me. I haven't thought about potentially travelling the world with my partner, seeing things not many people have seen etc. first.

I not long ago read an article about a woman who didn't have a maternal instinct and so didn't want to have children. I then proceeded to read the comments. Now, some of the comments were of others who also had no desire for children, however, there were a few people who got very aggressive!

A few believed it was disgraceful to not want to reproduce as they were carried for 9 months by their mothers, as if to say, it's only fair that you go through the same situation and pain to make up for it. However, I have never once heard a mother say to her daughter 'you must give me grandchildren, just so it's fair that you go through the same as what I have'. In fact, I think some mothers wouldn't want their daughter to go through the stresses of bringing up a child, but they allow it because they want grandchildren and it's just the common thing for women to have children. And what about their sons? Their sons don't have to make up for all the pain their mother went through because they can't, so why should their daughters? I've told my mother that I'm unsure and may never have children and she's fully accepted it. She'd rather see me happy than going through something I hated. You can make up to your mothers by being respectful, caring, helpful etc, it shouldn't just be about reproduction.

Some people have said that those who do not want children just prefer their career and/or refuse to take on such a responsibility because they're selfish. Would you rather see a business woman who's always working, who dislikes children, to have her own children and them being brought up by a mother who has no time for them and secretly despises them? Some people have a drive to be successful in life and feel that children are a hindrance, which is understandable because they take up a huge part of your life. A major career is a huge responsibility in itself, so you can't say that they refuse to take on a responsibility of children because they're lazy.

I'm hoping to get a job working with animals, a job that doesn't require a degree. This is nothing like studying for years to become a vet, a doctor or running your own business. I'd have quite a lot of time free to spend with my children with (hopefully) no work to be done outside of work. I also see my future career being a job that makes money that I will enjoy, not a life choice. I'm certainly not choosing my career over children. Everyone takes on responsibilities one way or another and children are one of those huge responsibilities. Just because we choose not to have children, it does not mean we're incapable of looking after a child. I occasionally think I'd be a good mother and bring them up a lot better than most mothers nowadays, but I don't want children. I don't know why that's so hard to accept.

I think it's disgraceful that people can be so rude to others just because they choose a different lifestyle to the billions of other people in the world. Yeah, billions. The world is already overpopulated and I wish it wasn't this way. I believe that women lacking any form of maternal instinct can be a good thing due to a decrease in births, it just needs to be socially accepted. Maybe it can be classified as an evolutionary process to decrease the ever increasing population. The more people who are brought into this world, the more pregnancies occur and we will soon have a ridiculously high and out of control population.
There are so many children on this earth who have no homes, no food, no comfort, no anything. Why should we bring more children into the world when there are already children who still need to be cared for?

Also consider those parents who are incapable of bringing up a child. There are millions of people who suffer with a mental illness, or any form of illness which is passed on genetically to children. There are those who suffer with serious illness who have chosen not to have children to stop the illness being passed on. I think that's a great thing. After all, we reproduce to pass on the good genes, not the bad. But why should people get frowned upon for not conforming to the rules of society?

I personally know a woman who is bipolar, is always on Facebook and the baby's father wants nothing to do with the child. So this child has a mother who suffers with a mental disorder (which it most likely has now inherited), a mother who suffers with the modern day obsession with the internet and an absentee father. That child is not being brought up in a positive atmosphere which can lead to multiple problems. If children weren't brought into this world in a negative atmosphere, then maybe the world would be a better place.
Others have drug addictions, are homeless, jobless, abusive, too young or are incapable of such a huge responsibility due to many problems. There are many people in this world who shouldn't have children for a number of reasons or aren't ready for a child but society (and those who think people who don't have children are "selfish, bitter and mad") pushes it upon them. Somehow it's more socially acceptable for a jobless, mentally ill person who can barely look after themselves let alone a child, to have children, than someone who responsibly refuses to have children for a variety of reasons. Why is that?

I think people should be more accepting of people's decisions and accept the fact that not every woman has the drive to have children.

Friday, 25 July 2014

For my mother

Words can't describe just how much you mean to me, such a cliché sentence I know, but that's how I feel. You fill all the voids in my heart with your never ending, unconditional love for me. I consider you my best friend and I'm proud to tell the world that. You're beautiful inside and out. You not only put me first but everyone else first before yourself. I love being around you and everyday I miss you when you're not home. When you have days off, I consider them little holidays and I look forward to spending the day with you and knowing you're there with me. Seeing you laugh and smile makes me a whole lot happier. When you open my door in the mornings and come into my bed to give me a morning cuddle, I feel so happy and lucky to have you. It's the best feeling in the world. We both depend on each other for companionship, friendship and most of all, love, which is what has made our bond even stronger. My most memorable, happiest moments have been with you. Just cuddling into you all evening is all I need to make me feel loved, safe and comforted. Like I said, my love and need for you is indescribable though I'm sure I could write a book on everything you've done for me and more. Not a day goes by where I do not appreciate you for everything you have done for me and everything you are.

You truly are and always will be the best person I have ever had the privilege to be close too.

I love you.

Thursday, 24 July 2014

Don't hold your past against someone

This post was originally posted on another blog of mine which will soon be removed

This is something that mainly girls do which really bugs me. They hold their bad past against their new partners. How can you do that? In my eyes, it's a pretty selfish move. I understand they have reason to be cautious but when they start becoming some whiny girlfriend who goes on at her partner for silly things like coming home 5 minutes later than expected and then accusing them of cheating.. that's just too far.

I've picked some of the worst guys without realising and I've been put through so much pain because of guys yet I start every new relationship with a new slate because it's a new person with new morals, new way of thinking, new everything! They're nothing like your ex so why treat them like they are? I believe if you start viewing your partner like your evil ex, then you may as well wave goodbye to your new partner because your relationship will inevitably fall apart.
I think the only thing of the past you should bring to the future is your knowledge of your bad experiences. You should realise that now you have the knowledge to pick up on the small signs you missed before. When you break up with someone, these signs you missed

in the beginning become more prominent. For example, my last ex boyfriend was controlling and abusive. I was completely oblivious to this until we broke up. I went on my FB and after a bit of scrolling, I noticed that I had around 1000 wall posts from my ex, most of which were asking where I was, what I was doing, or telling me to answer my phone. The others were ridiculously cringey and mushy and I realised it was all just a game to pull me in and for him to then gain control. I remember he put a mushy poem on my wall after a week of dating! When I received that, I thought it was adorable but now I realise it was just a way to pull me in.
When you get into a new relationship, you can tell almost instantly if they're any good for you or not; you'll pick up on the vibes and match them with the vibe you got with your ex. It's almost like compare and contrast. If you get a bad vibe, you can either nip it in the bud and end the relationship, or you can be a bit more observant for any signs you missed in your last relationship of any infidelity, abuse, or just poor treatment of you.

So if you're reading this and you've had very bad relationship experiences, I plead with you that it is unfair and selfish to tar everyone who comes along with the same brush! You only have one chance at life so if you want to fall in love, allow yourself, don't refrain for fear of being hurt. If anything, after all the pain you've been through, you'll be stronger and you'll be quicker at moving on. Imagine how you would feel if you got into a relationship with someone who was stuck in the past all the time and they didn't trust you even though you're a very loyal, trustworthy person. It would annoy you and you'd feel like you're walking on egg shells all the time to avoid any emotional overreaction from them.

Think before you love.

Online Relationships

This post was originally posted on my other blog which will soon be removed

I don't know what to think about online relationships. I mean, my first boyfriend was a guy I met online, but he lived just half an hour away so we saw each other every week and we were together for nearly 2 years. I wouldn't call that an online relationship though; we only met online. I started talking to my second boyfriend through Facebook but we had many mutual friends, he used to go to the same high school and he also dated my friend. So that relationship started online but we saw each other regularly in person. However, I met my current boyfriend in person, we got to know each other, entirely in person and now we're together. To me, it felt so much more romantic and more exciting reading his body language and his signals, rather than what he said in text.

I know how it feels to fall for someone who you met online. I nearly got into an entirely online relationship seeing as he lived a few hours away but things just went sour for many reasons. I also thought about how we would never know when we were going to meet, I didn't know how my parents would react if they found out I was having an online relationship, or how my family and friends would react/think/say. They would probably believe that I was so desperate for a boyfriend, I resorted to online dating which wasn't the case as I don't go online to date. I think many things come into the equation when it comes to online dating, that wouldn't come with a relationship you have in person and I think that's why online relationships can get quite confusing.

When I come across people online who have been dating someone completely online, texts and phone calls, I think about the lack of intimacy that you would have in a face-to-face relationship. To me, I think it'd very much feel like being in a relationship with a computer, or being in a relationship with someone who's in jail. I'd feel so restricted and slightly stupid for keeping loyal and faithful to someone I had never met in person.

I also know people change online. They become more confident and you're always talking. But I've met people online (through mutual friends) and they talk so much online but when you finally meet them, they're actually very shy and quiet. I'd hate to be in a relationship with someone for a long time, finally meet them and the chemistry isn't there at all; no communication, no connection, no nothing. It's quite a risk to take and in my eyes, that risk is a huge waste of time.

Being online helps many people find love, but I always think back to the life we had without computers. People would meet each other in person and I feel people should go back to the old fashioned ways when it comes to dating. I believe the internet has alienated us from people in general when out in public and we rely on hiding behind technology to make connections, friendships and relationships. We're social creatures, it's in our nature to talk and meet people so why have we stopped?

Another thing is how people view online daters. I, for one, view online daters to be very shy, insecure people who can't find anyone in person so they resort to online relationships. I know that's a poor generalisation but you have to admit, the vast majority are people who can't get a date in person for a number of reasons. The internet allows them to hide away and most likely, make them even more shy and insecure when it comes to face-to-face interaction. I know this is very easy to happen and without you even realising. I was on the internet almost every day, talking to strangers because I had no-one and nothing else to do as I'm not in college, but in a part time job. I then found that I had become socially retarded when with people and it knocked my confidence to the ground.

But if these online daters find who they're looking for, it has a repercussion; they become addicted to their means of contact with this person, either it be their computer, tablet, phone etc. Inevitably, pushing others in their day to day lives away. If anything, they're pushing their chances of meeting someone in person away for someone they've met online, who they know very little about and probably wouldn't have much chemistry with in person.

Online relationships have become more and more common because we rely on the internet so much. I think the internet is good for meeting local people who you could meet easily and regularly, but shouldn't be used for an entire relationship. Soon there will be 'e-marriage' (if there isn't already!) which is just ridiculous. Good luck on the wedding night!

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

What I learnt from camping

My partner and I went camping a couple nights ago and it certainly wasn't a break. It was much too stressful and painful to be a break. Getting there was fine, we had no trouble and putting up the tent was a breeze (aside from me breaking it, twice). After everything was set up, we had some food at the cafe and then we enjoyed the hot weather by going for walks through the mountains. We went out a few times and exhausted ourselves so went to relax, well try to relax, in our little tent. We had too much time on our hands so we had the task of trying to stay awake and keep ourselves entertained until the night. We had several hours on our hands to use up.

At 7:30pm, my partner decided we should go out again for a walk. We walked up a hill to see lovely views whilst my partner spoke about how he wanted to go to the top of one of the lush mountains. He wanted to find a way up but a lot of paths were gated with signs informing us that it was private property. However, we did find a trail that led to the top of one of the mountains, not only that, but to a roman fort. My partner was ecstatic and we (stupidly) ran up a steep hill, exhausting ourselves immediately. With the excitement, we didn't go the right way and had a long, stressful journey up the mountain. We even gave up on the road we were following and literally went up through the wilderness in desperation to get to the top.

We came across a map which we followed and we finally reached the bottom of what appeared to be a fairly easy hill in which to get to the fort. We were deceived. It curved over, we were walking for so much longer than we expected, up a treacherous, steep mountain side. At this point, we were both finding it hard, my calves and feet were screaming to me "what on earth are you doing?" My partner is very athletic, he goes to the gym everyday, but he was exhausted, he had to sit down a few times!

Anyway, we got to the top and the views were amazing. We took a few photos and videos but we couldn't stay for long because the wind was strong and so cold. By this time, it was about 9pm, the sun had just disappeared behind the mountains. It was getting dark and cold. I only had a vest top on, shorts and sandals and my partner had very minimal clothes on as well. We didn't even have a torch.

We were navigating through paths which were actually very narrow treaded paths amongst stinging nettles and bushes, that went down hill, in the dark. We hadn't planned it well at all. This is where I saw another side to my partner, this is what I learnt. My partner is very laid back, he's not easily stressed which is something I like about him. It balances us out because I get stressed over little things quite easily. However, the roles were reversed. I had never seen him so irritable and stressed before. He was swearing more than he ever has and I've never seen him want to get back inside (to the tent) before because he's normally so outgoing. I became the calm laid back one in order to keep him cool. It was strange seeing another side to him, I've known him for about a year and a half now and I thought I knew a lot about him, nearly everything. I must clarify, he wasn't swearing aggressively, he was still laughing at my jokes about everything, but he was very clearly irritated.

I later thought that going camping is a great way for a new couple to learn about each other. You must use teamwork and nearly everything goes wrong when you go camping so it's a great way to have an insight into how they deal with stress and things going wrong. If they get very irritated and stressed easily, which turns into destructive anger, you know to be careful with someone like that because that anger could potentially turn against you one day.

Friday, 11 July 2014

My new job

I have been working for the past couple weeks, almost every day. Today is my first day off in 9 days; two of which were for compulsory training. I've been finding the job fine but I've looked at next weeks rota and I can't say I'm comfortable with it. Last week I went out with a woman who has downs syndrome and is unable to speak... for 5.5 hours! At that time, I met my mum (who also works with me) who made the whole thing bearable and it was my only call that day, but I don't think I have that comfort next week and I have her twice! I also have three people who I've never met before, one of which is my very first call on Monday so I'm quite apprehensive about that. I also met a woman last week who was, let's say, very unhygienic and has difficulty speaking. I didn't have a very pleasant call with her so requested never to work with her again, only to see her on my rota next week! That gave me a shock but thankfully someone's covering that for me.

Overall, everything is going well though. I'm surviving and I actually feel more complete and happier with a job and a car to look after. It's weird.

Being Thin

When it comes to weight, people focus on overweight people and for whatever reason they're overweight, it's seen as extremely disrespectful to comment on an obese person's weight. But what about the thin people who receive comments about their weight? They're usually ignored due to the common reason of "they're skinny, they can't complain". I understand why that is said but thin people can still feel disrespected from comments like "eat more, you're anorexic". Now, if you flip those comments towards an obese person, "eat less, you're obese", it becomes an insult and I don't see why people can't make that connection. Maybe I should've said to the guy yesterday, "you wouldn't tell an obese person to eat less so why tell me to eat more?", but then I'd look like a cold bitch.

Personally, when I receive such comments, I don't necessarily feel disrespected but feel it was unnecessary for them to say it. It's usually people who don't know me. If they knew me, they'd know I eat huge amounts and not particularly healthily, though I usually keep around the daily calorie intake (somehow). I currently weigh almost 10st which is probably nearing a bit overweight for my height and age and I feel like I have some excess fat I could do without, though I'm generally healthy (I believe). As you can tell, I'm no where near anorexic so why should I be accused of being so? People make out that it's ugly to be skinny, though it's fairly obvious why people say that.

It's true that whatever you do, someone will have something bad to say about it. You can be morbidly obese and get insulted and lectured about your weight, you can actually be anorexic and be sniggered at or you can be a healthy weight and that's still a problem. You can't win.

Thursday, 26 June 2014

The decision has been made.

I met my new car last Friday and my driving has improved greatly within a matter of days. I was a bit rusty after not driving for nearly two years but according to my insurance, I'm driving well! It's a great little car, it starts every time, barely any rust and despite being ten years old, everyone has commented on how it looks brand new and well looked after. That could be slightly to do with all the work we've done on it; we washed it, pumped the tyres, sprayed the bumpers and cleaned the inside really thoroughly but I was still really proud of it before we did all the work on it.

I drove to college for the first time yesterday, it took nearly an hour and it was only my third time driving alone, the other two times were driving to my boyfriend's house which is literally down the road. My driving percentage was 77% on the way there, 80% on the way back which is great!

Now in terms of my job, I've had shifts thrown at me almost every day which I can't complain about but it's a bit scary seeing as I haven't done one proper shift alone yet. I'm going out later this evening with one woman just to shadow so I can meet another service user that I will be working with. I went out on the weekend with my mum to help an old lady with her TV and we were only there for 5 minutes but I made just under five pound.

I start on Saturday but they've given me 18 hours next week, not including the extra shifts my boss is throwing at me so it's all quite daunting. I hope I can do this job. I have never had a job like it in which I'm completely alone throughout the whole shift; I'm used to working in a team with my managers/bosses around to talk to if need be. Thankfully, my mother works for the same company and she's been working there for 20 years so she's my guide and I can ring her whenever I need help. Without her, I'd never consider doing this job.

I hope everything goes well on Saturday and on every shift to come.

Thursday, 19 June 2014

Life's changing.

So my life is changing from your average college student who doesn't have a care in the world (apart from assignments) to a college student with a car and a job! When I get home from an empty day of college tomorrow, I will have my first little car on the driveway. I'm practically going bankrupt to get this car with the help of my parents financially, but I'll be paying them back when I can. I never thought they'd ever help pay for it but my new job as a carer pays so well that I can pay for the insurance and petrol with some money left over each month.

I got my rota today for next Saturday and they've given me 8.5 hours which is great but I'm really nervous. The nerves are taking over my excitement over the car. My parents and boyfriend seem more excited than me and it's weird - I thought I'd be more excited than I am. I've waited years for this moment and it's coming true tomorrow, but I think this is my strategy to avoid disappointment. I usually numb my emotions if disappointment/pain is possible/inevitable.
My excitement has died down because I was let down after we travelled for an hour to see a lovely car but it was sold 20 minutes before we got there. It ruined my day, I got myself so excited. Then we saw another but I didn't get it because it wasn't the best quality but I tried to tone down my excitement whilst we were going there. I guess whenever I think about the car, I relate it to the neverending amount of work I'll have to do and it makes me feel so tired and also the fact that there could be expensive faults that arise with the car or god forbid, I crash it! I hope the love of my car outweighs the work load and it's all worth it and I don't let down my parents.

There's just so much that I could lose from this decision. It's either do it and do it for at least a year or don't do it and not have any money or a car or responsibility. The part I like about this all is that I have more of a life, more responsibility. I hate just being a college student, I feel like the rest of the immature 16 year olds but getting a car and a job changes all that for me. I'd feel much more like an adult for the first time in my life, but maybe I shouldn't be so excited about that.

Monday, 2 June 2014

Can you stop staring at him?

I've randomly thought about this situation which has happened a few times which is pretty bizarre - to me anyway so I thought I'd share it.

It mainly happens on the bus. Me and my boyfriend will be sitting on the bus together and a girl will sit directly opposite us, despite being many other available seats. Then they proceed to, not subtly, look over and stare at my boyfriend. They either constantly turn their head, lean forward a bit and look at him or they just stare for a while, then look away. It doesn't matter if I'm sitting closer to the girl or not, whether I look her right in the eyes or not, she'll still stare back! They've stared at him so intently before that they didn't notice me looking right at them.

I always thought it was a rude and odd thing to stare at someone who's sitting next to you but some girls can't help themselves. I know they find him attractive, (who doesn't?) but I think that's a bit far and strange. My boyfriend notices it and he thinks it's odd. I always want to say something but I'm not confident/witty enough. I wish I could say something like, "excuse me, I know he's attractive, but he's not a piece of artwork you can stare at". Maybe next time, I'll make loud jokes to my boyfriend (we normally do when dealing with odd people) so she can hear and maybe that'd help pick their jaws up from the ground and stop them from drooling!

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Watch Dogs

I received Watch Dogs yesterday in the post after many days of excitement. I even did a lot of coursework a couple days before so I wouldn't feel so guilty for playing it!
I was obviously very excited when it started but even from the first scene, I found it hard to grasp the story line and I still do now. [Potential Spoiler]I know he lost his niece due to his profession and that they're still grieving but that's about it. You're sent to kill people who you've never heard of, you just have Aiden talking to himself about the person you're chasing whilst you do the mission so you don't really pay attention. [Potential Spoiler] The story is all over the place basically. The game threw missions at me immediately and I get a new one every 30 seconds it seems. This made it even more confusing and I practically forgot the story line amongst all the madness.

The driving mechanics are awful and makes it horrible to drive. I love driving in open world games so this was a huge downside for me. I would drive for hours on GTA games, enjoying the sites but you can't really do that in Watch Dogs, even though the game has city hotspots to visit. If you accelerate a tiny bit to have a slow start, the car skids. If you reverse slightly, the car makes a screeching noise like you're doing it fast. Braking slightly makes the car jitter like you've braked really hard. This seems a bit weird for a game in which you're a vigilante who sneaks up on people for a living. Basically, the game assumes that all players will drive fast when many don't. I wanted to explore the city but I just can't stand the driving mechanics to do so.

The game is meant to be really dark but I find it really difficult to see everything, even when I put the brightness really high (that makes colours bland unfortunately). The clarity of the environment isn't as good as it is on GTAV. It's so bad that I completely missed a block of police cars! I don't know if this is just me but I've always had perfect vision all my life so I'm assuming others may have this problem. My boyfriend said it looked better darker but he hadn't played the game at all.

Glitches. There are lots of glitches in this game like people and cars just appearing out of nowhere right in front of you. It happens quite a lot and ruins the realism of the game. They can even happen during cut scenes which should be the most refined part of the game.

All in all, it's a good game, it has originality but it was hyped up a lot (and partially by myself)and there are many things that I frowned upon. Normally for a good game, I play it all day, I didn't yesterday. The next day, I'll usually be on it straight away the moment I wake up but it's about 3:30PM right now and I've barely had an urge to play it. However, there is nothing wrong with this game that can't be improved with updates or completely revamped in a sequel. I wouldn't hesitate to buy a sequel if I knew they had made considerable improvements.

Thursday, 22 May 2014


I had a kickboxing grading last night that I nearly didn't make. It was only luck that I could. I was already exhausted from another long day but I pushed myself to go. The grading was much harder and more intense than normal but I made myself work hard - I've eaten so much junk, I needed to burn it off.
From the moment it started, I knew things weren't that great. My sensei wasn't happy, we started late and he was disorganised. Then things seemed to get better but then it was my turn to do my combination. However, he went through a combination I never knew and I wasn't focused enough to take it in and copy it! I ended up looking like an idiot in front of so many people, half of which were beginners which made it worse. I had no idea what I was doing. I was sent off and had a couple kids snigger at me. I felt angry, humiliated and completely unconfident. It actually made me want to quit there and then, or at least quit gradings. You're not meant to feel unconfident or humiliated in lessons or gradings, that's what they emphasise the most yet I felt it. I had a lump in my throat because I felt like I'd failed and I would've wasted my time, energy and money being there. Even if I single graded, I would've gone mad because it would've meant that he thought I wasn't good enough to double grade.
For the first time in a grading, I was nervous about what belt I was going to get and it didn't help that he joked about, making us believe that some of us failed! To make it worse, he didn't call my name so I was left in the dark about what belt I was and I didn't receive a round of applause.
My partner is also my sensei and he wasn't happy either because he'd constantly reminded my other sensei to write my name down but apparently he hadn't. I went to find out what belt I'd achieved and before I even asked, my partner asked if my name had been read out which it hadn't. He wasn't happy either.
I left without saying goodbye to anyone, I was so angry. I went home, got in the bath and started crying. I wasn't crying just over the grading, it was a mixture of things. I'm already stressed with coursework, then my dad was being a dick to my mum again that day and potentially put me at risk of not being able to do my grading and then the grading was more stressful than it should've been. I was hoping that my grading would make me feel better, give me another confidence boost but it did the opposite and added more stress to my day. When I found out my belt, I wasn't overjoyed or happy at all. In fact, I barely thought of that because the bad outweighed the good. You're meant to enjoy the experience as you grade up, not feel humiliated and angry.
Whilst I was in the bath, my partner came over without notice. He said he wouldn't stay for long but he came over because he wanted to see me, congratulate me and he knew I wasn't happy. I had a rant to him about the grading and he completely agreed. He said it was all over the place, he didn't like the grading but he made me feel a lot better (he always does). He said he was proud of me, that he was watching me throughout and thought I did great. Another girl there said that my technique was really good so I guess that helped.
I hope my sensei apologises and gets his act together next time because it'll just put me off other gradings and possibly kickboxing as a whole.

If you're wondering what belt I received, I did in fact double grade to blue and red so at least it wasn't a complete waste of time.

Anyway, I best get ready, go to the doctors and possibly do some coursework.

Thursday, 8 May 2014


I have a rather unusual fascination with gore thanks to Reddit. I don't look at it every day and I can't say that I enjoy it (I still cringe at some things) but I find it rather interesting and enlightening. I say enlightening because surprisingly, these images/videos wake you up to the brutalities of the world and the people who reside in it. When someone's car gets crushed by a lorry and they inevitably die, you hear about it on the news and may get an aerial view of the incident. With real gore, you'll see a video of the whole incident as it happens, sometimes from the view of the driver. You see the driver before they die, oblivious to what will happen next. It makes you see the reality of such incidents.

When you see a video of a couple hugging, only for the guy to shoot himself only seconds after his girlfriend leaves makes you appreciate those around you. When you see a young boy playing with a football just seconds before a car rams into him, killing him instantly makes you realise that your life could end at any moment, so you should appreciate it.

It also opens your eyes to the running of other countries. I not long ago saw a video of someone walking up to and filming the casualties of a fatal car crash in Saudi Arabia I believe it was. Normally in the UK or USA, police and ambulances would be rushed to the scene within minutes and the wreckage would be removed quickly, but this hadn't happened at all in this country. I believe it was four guys who had been involved in this car accident, one had even come out of the car but they were all bloated; they had been left there decaying, on the side of a busy road for roughly 36 hours! That would be seen as ludicrous in our country and so disrespectful to the deceased.

I consider it to be good conditioning for me as well because my future career will be nothing but blood, pus, faeces, surgery, amputations etc. I also think that there could be a possibility in my life in which I'd come across someone who's had a terrible accident and there's blood everywhere. I would like to think that it would not discourage me in any way to approach them, comfort them and call for help.

So you could say there is reasoning behind my interest in it. I just find it really interesting and there are millions of others who do too. It's a side of the world and humanity that you never get to see.

Monday, 5 May 2014

I feel sorry for him.

A guy I met in high school still has a crush on me seven years on. For a few of those years, I picked up on it but it was quite recently he told me just how much he liked me. When he was with his ex girlfriend, he spoke about how he longed to speak to me when he was with her. Nearly every time we text, he compliments me or talks about his crush on me (not in a creepy way). We consider each other good friends and he does good at keeping his feelings controlled, though sometimes he seems to have bad days. It seems like it's my fault because I won't date him or he realises he won't have me, so he gets sad and frustrated.
Although he doesn't hold onto the idea of me as much as he used to, I still feel it's unhealthy for him to be holding onto hope. Don't get me wrong, I've actually considered dating this guy when I was in high school so I'm not just friendzoning him for the sake of it. The main problem was we argued so much being friends - we still do now. If we argued so bad as friends, it would only get worse in a relationship. I also felt he'd get pretty over protective because he gets like that now sometimes. It just wouldn't work for me. I can't help feeling sorry for him, that even when he has a relationship, he thinks of me and wants to speak to me. I have the urge to speak to him occasionally but not when I'm with my boyfriend. I don't want to be the cause of his pain/heartbreak or the end of any of his future relationships. I hope he moves on someday though it'd feel strange if and when he does.

Sunday, 4 May 2014

People are so naive about abusive relationships!

My view is, if you haven't been in an abusive relationship, then you have no right to negatively comment on the actions of the victims. You can't possibly know how it feels to be a victim in an abusive relationship. You can't understand the gradual mind control that plays a huge part in not leaving the person. You don't know how lovely abusers are in the beginning until you fall in love with them and falling in love with them makes you want to stay and try to fix them.

Men have said they wouldn't date a woman who had been in a string of abusive relationships. What a slap in the face that is! I'd be ashamed and upset if a guy refused to date me because of my past relationships and their terrible assumptions of abuse victims being weak and wanting to be treated like shit? Yeah, guys think women want to be treated like shit, that's why they stay and find other abusive partners. How dumb can people get? Turning down a victim of abusive relationships is like turning down a rape victim for being raped. Imagine the pain you'd cause the woman who was hopeful of getting her life on track with a new guy who'd show her the way guys are meant to treat women, only to be turned down because she's a rape victim!

People have said some really shitty things about abuse victims; we're dumb, weak, stupid, naive etc. All the stereotypes. I'm in fact, a very strong and fairly confident person who got caught up in an abusive relationship. To be honest, I never knew they existed. I was never told about them which is where we fail as a society. Fuck the numerous drug talks in school, try replacing one of those drug talks with an abusive relationship talk. Tell girls in particular, the behaviour they should spot in a boyfriend which shows their behaviour/relationship isn't healthy. That would make a huge difference and it could've possibly saved me from being fucked up from my last relationship.

People need to be more aware and definitely more educated about abusive relationships, even more so if they've never been in one just so they can refrain from something truly offensive to a victim, either purposely or not.