Thursday, 24 April 2014

Paranoia is such a pain

Paranoia got the best of me yesterday yet again. I had to look up advice and ended up lying down on my bed, closing my eyes and trying to cool down. I was getting almost angry at him. I became distant and it ultimately caused tension between us.

We were watching videos on his phone and he got a text from a girl who he told me he met years ago but had only recently added him on Facebook. I didn't know they were texting now! It made me feel uncomfortable and almost like he's hiding another life from me. We tell each other everything. Why didn't he tell me she had text him and that they were now texting regularly?

I looked for advice online and one person said that my paranoia was kind of justified because he was regularly talking to two girls who he knows have an interest in him and that if the shoe were on the other foot, he wouldn't like it. This is why I should probably speak to him about it but that's easier said than done. Wish me luck.

Saturday, 19 April 2014

Always paranoid

I'm writing this because I'm feeling paranoid right now and it's getting out of hand.
I regularly think about checking up on my boyfriend's online accounts and it's only recently started. It could be because it was after a year into my first relationship that my ex cheated on me and now I've reached that point in our relationship, it could be subconsciously kicking in. The weird thing is, I trust him completely, I just don't trust others. He gets a lot of female attention which never helps. He can be walking alone and girls come up to him and tell him that they think he's attractive. A lot of women twice his age in his work find him attractive and openly flirt with him. He's completely loyal to me but because he can be quite naive and shy about such situations, I always worry that he'd not react suitably if a girl came onto him.

Shamefully, I tried to get into my boyfriend's Facebook account today and for most of today, I didn't even feel bad nor think about it. Only now I'm realising how bad my paranoia is getting. It's weird how our brains work. I always wanted to understand if people who were manipulative and paranoid, knew what they were doing and now I know that they do, most of the time anyway.

I've looked through his Facebook messages before and found things I wasn't fond of which caused a lot of stress and problems in our relationship a couple months ago. I regretted it for that but I was glad that I found out what was going on (he wasn't cheating by the way).
I really wish this would stop. I feel mentally fucked up and it won't end.

Thursday, 17 April 2014

I feel like a manipulator

I feel like I can be manipulative in my relationship. Not in a really horrible, he can't do anything he wants to do kind of way, but I feel I play on his emotions sometimes. I always put it down to me being older and possibly more mature so I take things into my control, but then I worry that I'm becoming like my ex. It could be because he wrapped himself around my little finger from day one; he'll do anything I want without question so he quickly put himself beneath me almost, though I always make sure he's at the same level as me in making decisions and what not.

If he does something wrong, I feel like I drag it out and make it seem worse than it is. Sometimes I notice it too late and sometimes I feel like I know what I'm doing but I don't stop. I usually put it down to me being hurt and taking it out against him. I still feel anger about an argument we had a couple of weeks ago but that's in the past now so I don't bring it up. I do it more if I feel like he isn't sorry for his behaviour and I want him to see how much it's upset me but I feel I shouldn't do that. I don't think I treat him the way he deserves anyway. I try and he says I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had, I have a great personality and that I treat him really well but I always feel that he could do better.

I feel so messed up and it's coming through in my relationship; the best relationship I've ever had and never want to lose.

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

The fake proposal

My boyfriend and I had had a lovely day yesterday. The sun was shining, we went for a walk and sat and watched the geese and ducks fly over the lake. After we went home, we both went really hyper for hours on end so we went to the park to get some fresh air and to cool down. I sat on a bench and I said to him, "are you glad you have me?" and of course he said yes. Then before I could say "are you happy to spend the rest of your life with me?", he got down on one knee and my face dropped. Part of me knew he wasn't going to propose and that he was only messing around, but evidently from my face, another part of me thought that he could've changed his mind and wanted to get engaged!
We laughed for ages but I felt so shocked and embarrassed. He didn't mean to make it look like he was going to propose but we both knew what I was thinking. He doesn't want to get married too which made it a whole lot more shocking. I kept cracking jokes about the whole thing and he couldn't stop saying how much he loved me and how amazing I was. It was a really sweet moment despite the feeling of humiliation.

Oddly enough, aside from all the laughing, I couldn't help but feel a bit of sadness and disappointment. I know that if he did propose there and then, I would've said yes but it's silly of me to think that when I know he's never going to propose.

Sex is medicine

I've been suffering with quite a severe cold for the past week or so, but things like that have never stopped me from getting some! However, this time, it did some wonders. My nose cleared up and my headache disappeared and I felt right as rain throughout and for a bit afterwards. Of course the symptoms came back eventually but I was shocked at how fast it worked. It is true that if you have a headache, you should have sex. It does work and now it appears to work for colds too!

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

Partner chill out session - we all need one.

Me and my partner sometimes do this thing where we lie in my bedroom in the pitch black, with nothing but the light from my speakers caressing our faces with a blue glow. We put on a playlist of mine or some chill out music from Youtube as we cuddle and feel the connection between us. It makes us feel closer, it's like there is no world outside my bedroom door, like all my troubles have gone, I have nothing to worry about and it usually causes some reminiscing. My partner can get so loved up and chilled out that he starts opening up about a lot of things, mainly from the past but it's all thought provoking things that we enjoy discussing. I believe this is from feeling the connection, causing an increased feeling of trust. It's an amazing feeling.

And it works! Before he came around, I was feeling extremely low but now I feel de-stressed and much calmer. So if ever you and/or your partner is stressed or you just want to have a lovely time together, you should have a quiet chill out session with your partner in the dark, you'll feel a lot better for it and it may even become a regular thing for you two.

Monday, 14 April 2014

The sinister truth.

I was recently diagnosed with depression and have been suffering with anxiety for about a year and it's getting worse. I've not long got over PTSD too. They're one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. I no longer feel like myself and I can't explain the feeling to anyone. I've been getting severe mood swings which has caused many problems in my relationship and family relationships. I don't think straight anymore. I have a great boyfriend but I feel like I don't treat him the way he should be treated. I constantly wish he met me years ago when I was normal and undamaged. I put him through more than he deserves and I just can't help it. He does one thing wrong and I feel like giving it all up because I've lost hope - only men have caused me the most pain. The only reason I've cried this year is because of my boyfriend. I never cry when it's just me and that's probably why I like being alone a lot. Alone in my own world, listening to weird music.

Last year and this year should've been the happiest years of my life because I found my soulmate but instead I developed depression and have been seriously suicidal twice - I tried ending it all in the beginning of last year just months after starting a relationship with my soulmate. Only a couple of weeks ago, my depression got to a severe level and I'd wake up wanting to end it all. I found it hard just to get out of bed.

I hope to survive this depression without medication, though it would've been nice to get beta blockers for my anxiety. I have therapy but it only works for a couple of days, then everything comes back.

If it wasn't for my partner, I don't think I'd be here.

Personal blogs are dying out

Thanks to a Redditor, she made me realise just how much personal blogs are dying out, with the takeover of Facebook and Twitter and I think it's a shame. You can do so much more with a blog like making it personal to you, with your favourite images and colours. You can share anything but with more of a personal touch. There's something about blogs that makes you want to write in better quality and quantity.

With sites such as Twitter, you're limited on the amount you can write (only 140 characters!) and the amount you can personalise your profile. No matter how much you try, your profile will still have the same characteristics to another's profile. With the limitation of writing, you can't fully describe how you're feeling which can lead to misunderstandings.

Maybe it's a good thing that personal blogs aren't popular anymore though. Imagine all the young teenagers making their own blog and all they'd really care about is conforming to what makes their blog the most popular and how many followers they have. You can't deny that a lot of people's main goals on Twitter is to get a lot of followers.

Maybe us bloggers should appreciate the privacy and quietness their is around blogging, especially if you have a personal blog like me. I personally feel fairly confident in writing about my life here because it'd be very hard to find my blog due to my settings not allowing my blog to be discovered through Google or Blogger. If someone did find it, I'm anonymous so I couldn't be identified.

Saturday, 12 April 2014

Why I'm here.

I've decided to make this blog for many reasons. One of those reasons is that I have a diary and journal but I don't write in them much. Even when I have a lot to write and rant about, I find it too time consuming to hand write it all and it takes a lot more effort to hand write than to type. I also come on my laptop very frequently so it'd be easier for me to write things out when I'm online. Another reason is that I write a lot about my life anonymously on various websites but now I feel like I want all my thoughts in one place - a more private place. This blog is now my diary and you're invited to read it and even share your thoughts. Not many people have access to someone else's life, someone else's ambitions and troubles, all written down by them. One thing my counsellor told me was to keep telling my story until I get bored of saying it. Maybe that was the subconscious reasoning behind this blog, who knows? I'm going to remain as anonymous as possible understandably. It'd also be interesting for you readers to guess how old you think I am throughout my posts.

I have no idea where this blog will lead, whether my posts will be positive, negative or completely random things about what I love or feel excited about at that time. I don't expect my blog to become super popular, that's not the point of this blog, but it would be nice to know there are people actually reading! I hope this blog will be helpful to me and helpful to those that can relate to my posts. I have some time off for the holidays so I could write a lot so you guys can have a lot of reading material. Unfortunately, I can't promise to post regularly after these holidays due to busy times in my life, but I remain hopeful that there will be some regular readers. You may be the motivation and support that I require to keep these posts going.