Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Watch Dogs

I received Watch Dogs yesterday in the post after many days of excitement. I even did a lot of coursework a couple days before so I wouldn't feel so guilty for playing it!
I was obviously very excited when it started but even from the first scene, I found it hard to grasp the story line and I still do now. [Potential Spoiler]I know he lost his niece due to his profession and that they're still grieving but that's about it. You're sent to kill people who you've never heard of, you just have Aiden talking to himself about the person you're chasing whilst you do the mission so you don't really pay attention. [Potential Spoiler] The story is all over the place basically. The game threw missions at me immediately and I get a new one every 30 seconds it seems. This made it even more confusing and I practically forgot the story line amongst all the madness.

The driving mechanics are awful and makes it horrible to drive. I love driving in open world games so this was a huge downside for me. I would drive for hours on GTA games, enjoying the sites but you can't really do that in Watch Dogs, even though the game has city hotspots to visit. If you accelerate a tiny bit to have a slow start, the car skids. If you reverse slightly, the car makes a screeching noise like you're doing it fast. Braking slightly makes the car jitter like you've braked really hard. This seems a bit weird for a game in which you're a vigilante who sneaks up on people for a living. Basically, the game assumes that all players will drive fast when many don't. I wanted to explore the city but I just can't stand the driving mechanics to do so.

The game is meant to be really dark but I find it really difficult to see everything, even when I put the brightness really high (that makes colours bland unfortunately). The clarity of the environment isn't as good as it is on GTAV. It's so bad that I completely missed a block of police cars! I don't know if this is just me but I've always had perfect vision all my life so I'm assuming others may have this problem. My boyfriend said it looked better darker but he hadn't played the game at all.

Glitches. There are lots of glitches in this game like people and cars just appearing out of nowhere right in front of you. It happens quite a lot and ruins the realism of the game. They can even happen during cut scenes which should be the most refined part of the game.

All in all, it's a good game, it has originality but it was hyped up a lot (and partially by myself)and there are many things that I frowned upon. Normally for a good game, I play it all day, I didn't yesterday. The next day, I'll usually be on it straight away the moment I wake up but it's about 3:30PM right now and I've barely had an urge to play it. However, there is nothing wrong with this game that can't be improved with updates or completely revamped in a sequel. I wouldn't hesitate to buy a sequel if I knew they had made considerable improvements.

Thursday, 22 May 2014

Grading

I had a kickboxing grading last night that I nearly didn't make. It was only luck that I could. I was already exhausted from another long day but I pushed myself to go. The grading was much harder and more intense than normal but I made myself work hard - I've eaten so much junk, I needed to burn it off.
From the moment it started, I knew things weren't that great. My sensei wasn't happy, we started late and he was disorganised. Then things seemed to get better but then it was my turn to do my combination. However, he went through a combination I never knew and I wasn't focused enough to take it in and copy it! I ended up looking like an idiot in front of so many people, half of which were beginners which made it worse. I had no idea what I was doing. I was sent off and had a couple kids snigger at me. I felt angry, humiliated and completely unconfident. It actually made me want to quit there and then, or at least quit gradings. You're not meant to feel unconfident or humiliated in lessons or gradings, that's what they emphasise the most yet I felt it. I had a lump in my throat because I felt like I'd failed and I would've wasted my time, energy and money being there. Even if I single graded, I would've gone mad because it would've meant that he thought I wasn't good enough to double grade.
For the first time in a grading, I was nervous about what belt I was going to get and it didn't help that he joked about, making us believe that some of us failed! To make it worse, he didn't call my name so I was left in the dark about what belt I was and I didn't receive a round of applause.
My partner is also my sensei and he wasn't happy either because he'd constantly reminded my other sensei to write my name down but apparently he hadn't. I went to find out what belt I'd achieved and before I even asked, my partner asked if my name had been read out which it hadn't. He wasn't happy either.
I left without saying goodbye to anyone, I was so angry. I went home, got in the bath and started crying. I wasn't crying just over the grading, it was a mixture of things. I'm already stressed with coursework, then my dad was being a dick to my mum again that day and potentially put me at risk of not being able to do my grading and then the grading was more stressful than it should've been. I was hoping that my grading would make me feel better, give me another confidence boost but it did the opposite and added more stress to my day. When I found out my belt, I wasn't overjoyed or happy at all. In fact, I barely thought of that because the bad outweighed the good. You're meant to enjoy the experience as you grade up, not feel humiliated and angry.
Whilst I was in the bath, my partner came over without notice. He said he wouldn't stay for long but he came over because he wanted to see me, congratulate me and he knew I wasn't happy. I had a rant to him about the grading and he completely agreed. He said it was all over the place, he didn't like the grading but he made me feel a lot better (he always does). He said he was proud of me, that he was watching me throughout and thought I did great. Another girl there said that my technique was really good so I guess that helped.
I hope my sensei apologises and gets his act together next time because it'll just put me off other gradings and possibly kickboxing as a whole.

If you're wondering what belt I received, I did in fact double grade to blue and red so at least it wasn't a complete waste of time.

Anyway, I best get ready, go to the doctors and possibly do some coursework.

Thursday, 8 May 2014

Gore

I have a rather unusual fascination with gore thanks to Reddit. I don't look at it every day and I can't say that I enjoy it (I still cringe at some things) but I find it rather interesting and enlightening. I say enlightening because surprisingly, these images/videos wake you up to the brutalities of the world and the people who reside in it. When someone's car gets crushed by a lorry and they inevitably die, you hear about it on the news and may get an aerial view of the incident. With real gore, you'll see a video of the whole incident as it happens, sometimes from the view of the driver. You see the driver before they die, oblivious to what will happen next. It makes you see the reality of such incidents.

When you see a video of a couple hugging, only for the guy to shoot himself only seconds after his girlfriend leaves makes you appreciate those around you. When you see a young boy playing with a football just seconds before a car rams into him, killing him instantly makes you realise that your life could end at any moment, so you should appreciate it.

It also opens your eyes to the running of other countries. I not long ago saw a video of someone walking up to and filming the casualties of a fatal car crash in Saudi Arabia I believe it was. Normally in the UK or USA, police and ambulances would be rushed to the scene within minutes and the wreckage would be removed quickly, but this hadn't happened at all in this country. I believe it was four guys who had been involved in this car accident, one had even come out of the car but they were all bloated; they had been left there decaying, on the side of a busy road for roughly 36 hours! That would be seen as ludicrous in our country and so disrespectful to the deceased.

I consider it to be good conditioning for me as well because my future career will be nothing but blood, pus, faeces, surgery, amputations etc. I also think that there could be a possibility in my life in which I'd come across someone who's had a terrible accident and there's blood everywhere. I would like to think that it would not discourage me in any way to approach them, comfort them and call for help.

So you could say there is reasoning behind my interest in it. I just find it really interesting and there are millions of others who do too. It's a side of the world and humanity that you never get to see.

Monday, 5 May 2014

I feel sorry for him.

A guy I met in high school still has a crush on me seven years on. For a few of those years, I picked up on it but it was quite recently he told me just how much he liked me. When he was with his ex girlfriend, he spoke about how he longed to speak to me when he was with her. Nearly every time we text, he compliments me or talks about his crush on me (not in a creepy way). We consider each other good friends and he does good at keeping his feelings controlled, though sometimes he seems to have bad days. It seems like it's my fault because I won't date him or he realises he won't have me, so he gets sad and frustrated.
Although he doesn't hold onto the idea of me as much as he used to, I still feel it's unhealthy for him to be holding onto hope. Don't get me wrong, I've actually considered dating this guy when I was in high school so I'm not just friendzoning him for the sake of it. The main problem was we argued so much being friends - we still do now. If we argued so bad as friends, it would only get worse in a relationship. I also felt he'd get pretty over protective because he gets like that now sometimes. It just wouldn't work for me. I can't help feeling sorry for him, that even when he has a relationship, he thinks of me and wants to speak to me. I have the urge to speak to him occasionally but not when I'm with my boyfriend. I don't want to be the cause of his pain/heartbreak or the end of any of his future relationships. I hope he moves on someday though it'd feel strange if and when he does.

Sunday, 4 May 2014

People are so naive about abusive relationships!

My view is, if you haven't been in an abusive relationship, then you have no right to negatively comment on the actions of the victims. You can't possibly know how it feels to be a victim in an abusive relationship. You can't understand the gradual mind control that plays a huge part in not leaving the person. You don't know how lovely abusers are in the beginning until you fall in love with them and falling in love with them makes you want to stay and try to fix them.

Men have said they wouldn't date a woman who had been in a string of abusive relationships. What a slap in the face that is! I'd be ashamed and upset if a guy refused to date me because of my past relationships and their terrible assumptions of abuse victims being weak and wanting to be treated like shit? Yeah, guys think women want to be treated like shit, that's why they stay and find other abusive partners. How dumb can people get? Turning down a victim of abusive relationships is like turning down a rape victim for being raped. Imagine the pain you'd cause the woman who was hopeful of getting her life on track with a new guy who'd show her the way guys are meant to treat women, only to be turned down because she's a rape victim!

People have said some really shitty things about abuse victims; we're dumb, weak, stupid, naive etc. All the stereotypes. I'm in fact, a very strong and fairly confident person who got caught up in an abusive relationship. To be honest, I never knew they existed. I was never told about them which is where we fail as a society. Fuck the numerous drug talks in school, try replacing one of those drug talks with an abusive relationship talk. Tell girls in particular, the behaviour they should spot in a boyfriend which shows their behaviour/relationship isn't healthy. That would make a huge difference and it could've possibly saved me from being fucked up from my last relationship.

People need to be more aware and definitely more educated about abusive relationships, even more so if they've never been in one just so they can refrain from something truly offensive to a victim, either purposely or not.

My Boyfriend's Ex

I think we all understand that feeling of hate and jealousy of your boyfriend's ex, for no reason at all really. Up until now, I haven't really thought about it but because I have my boyfriend's ex's friends on my Facebook (before I even knew my boyfriend or his ex)and his ex added and spoke to him the other day on Facebook, I've noticed her more.

Despite his other ex's being a lot more attractive than his last ex and me, I have more of a fascination with her because she was with him the longest - she left more of an impression on him. However, I only just found out that he said if he had to pick the top two, he'd pick me and the one who added me on Facebook, so not his last one! I really don't know why his ex added me though, she doesn't even speak to me, never has.

Something about her knowing people who went to my school, one of which decided to hate me, seems to hit a nerve for some reason. It's weird to think that I met the girl who hated me when I was with my first ex like 3 years before I met my current boyfriend. The last thing I would've thought is that she knew the future (then) girlfriend of my future soulmate. It's so weird to think that. It's such a small world.

I could have a problem with the fact that these people are still friends with my boyfriend and friends with me. I believe they had been before him and his ex got together and they were Facebook friends with me before me and him even met. I thought about how the people on my Facebook could be informing my boyfriend's ex of what me and him are doing all the time - a sneaky way of keeping track of us and our relationship. His ex did add him to be nosy and she was honest about that, but was soon defriended.

There is just something about ex's which makes you drawn to them. You compare yourself so much to them though I feel like I'm an upgrade compared to his last ex which is pretty shocking because I have quite a low self esteem. Whenever her friends post pictures, I'm always drawn to look at them and see his ex - to see if she looks happy or sad usually.

Thursday, 1 May 2014

Had a revelation!

I've had a random thought hit me about why people see themselves as unattractive. Of course, many reasons come into why someone finds their self unattractive but this is just one of them. As they say,
"beauty is in the eye of the beholder"
which basically means that beauty is something individual to each person, which is true. Some people like blondes, some like brunettes. Some like blue eyes, some like brown eyes. These factors determine how attractive someone is to them.
So what happens if you have green eyes, but only like brown eyes? What if you have brown hair, but only like blondes? You're not going to view yourself as attractive if you only view those with these characteristics attractive. I believe your personal view on what attractive is, reflects on ourselves and if it doesn't meet the standards we expect of an attractive person, we deem ourselves as unattractive. Those who love themselves are either tricking themselves into believing they're good looking or feel their looks meets their standards of attractiveness.