Thursday, 22 May 2014

Grading

I had a kickboxing grading last night that I nearly didn't make. It was only luck that I could. I was already exhausted from another long day but I pushed myself to go. The grading was much harder and more intense than normal but I made myself work hard - I've eaten so much junk, I needed to burn it off.
From the moment it started, I knew things weren't that great. My sensei wasn't happy, we started late and he was disorganised. Then things seemed to get better but then it was my turn to do my combination. However, he went through a combination I never knew and I wasn't focused enough to take it in and copy it! I ended up looking like an idiot in front of so many people, half of which were beginners which made it worse. I had no idea what I was doing. I was sent off and had a couple kids snigger at me. I felt angry, humiliated and completely unconfident. It actually made me want to quit there and then, or at least quit gradings. You're not meant to feel unconfident or humiliated in lessons or gradings, that's what they emphasise the most yet I felt it. I had a lump in my throat because I felt like I'd failed and I would've wasted my time, energy and money being there. Even if I single graded, I would've gone mad because it would've meant that he thought I wasn't good enough to double grade.
For the first time in a grading, I was nervous about what belt I was going to get and it didn't help that he joked about, making us believe that some of us failed! To make it worse, he didn't call my name so I was left in the dark about what belt I was and I didn't receive a round of applause.
My partner is also my sensei and he wasn't happy either because he'd constantly reminded my other sensei to write my name down but apparently he hadn't. I went to find out what belt I'd achieved and before I even asked, my partner asked if my name had been read out which it hadn't. He wasn't happy either.
I left without saying goodbye to anyone, I was so angry. I went home, got in the bath and started crying. I wasn't crying just over the grading, it was a mixture of things. I'm already stressed with coursework, then my dad was being a dick to my mum again that day and potentially put me at risk of not being able to do my grading and then the grading was more stressful than it should've been. I was hoping that my grading would make me feel better, give me another confidence boost but it did the opposite and added more stress to my day. When I found out my belt, I wasn't overjoyed or happy at all. In fact, I barely thought of that because the bad outweighed the good. You're meant to enjoy the experience as you grade up, not feel humiliated and angry.
Whilst I was in the bath, my partner came over without notice. He said he wouldn't stay for long but he came over because he wanted to see me, congratulate me and he knew I wasn't happy. I had a rant to him about the grading and he completely agreed. He said it was all over the place, he didn't like the grading but he made me feel a lot better (he always does). He said he was proud of me, that he was watching me throughout and thought I did great. Another girl there said that my technique was really good so I guess that helped.
I hope my sensei apologises and gets his act together next time because it'll just put me off other gradings and possibly kickboxing as a whole.

If you're wondering what belt I received, I did in fact double grade to blue and red so at least it wasn't a complete waste of time.

Anyway, I best get ready, go to the doctors and possibly do some coursework.

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