Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Losing Hope

Originally posted August 2013 on another blog of mine

I don't want to admit it but I feel like I'm losing hope in men. The hope of there being more decent, considerate men with high morals and respect for women. Don't get me wrong, I have a lovely boyfriend and he treats me great, but nearly every guy I come across has hurt/betrayed/abused me in some way. I hate to say it, but it now feels like a waiting game before I get hurt by my boyfriend.
I've been treated poorly in the past but I've always been strong minded enough to not let it affect my view on all men. Until today, when yet another man, a trusted adult who I considered one of the greatest men I had ever met and had the privilege to work with, turned into a grooming pervert right before my eyes. I feel like I've gotten to the last straw now and I hate that I am. I even messaged my boyfriend today, saying I couldn't trust anyone nowadays and I've never said that to a boyfriend before. I made out to him that the incident today didn't really bother me but it surprisingly has.

I've been sexually, physically, emotionally and domestically abused by men throughout my life and it still hasn't stopped. I'm not saying I get physically, sexually and domestically abused on a regular basis but I still get bothered by men frequently. I get stalked/followed, I get taunted, I get sexist abuse/comments online and in real life, whistled at like a dog, seen and treated like a sexual, uneducated object and I'm fed up of it. I'm thankful for having a boyfriend who is willing to protect me from men (he already has had to protect me in the space of over a month) but he can't protect me when I'm alone and from the nightmares I have. It's ridiculous that I even have to be 'protected' from men in the 21st century. Every single day, I'm haunted with the memories that men have left behind for me to endure for the rest of my life and most of them have no idea of what they've caused.

I don't just mean my abusers but even random strangers in the street. My past has naturally made me a lot more pre-cautious of men because I know what they're capable of so a man merely whistling at me and referring to me as a 'thing' can remain in my memory for a long time and only adds to my view of men. I still remember memories of random strangers calling after me/following me/singing to me that happened nearly a decade ago! So when I get these flashbacks of my past, these things also come along with it and makes me frown upon men and makes me feel lower than I already did.

I know most of those random men are only being playful, but when you consider that 1 in 5 women have been/will be abused, you'll be surprised at how it can really affect them and intimidate them. So I plead with you men, that if you ever want to call after a woman or whistle at a woman, remember that you could potentially be intimidating them no matter how silly it sounds. There are nicer, not as intimidating ways to approach a woman other than whistling after her like a dog.

Update: I no longer have an amazing boyfriend. He also betrayed me, lied to me, cheated on me and purposefully hurt me. Yet another one to add to the list.

Monday, 28 July 2014

I think he's reconsidering marriage

My SO is pretty definite that he never wants to get married but lately, I've been getting a strong feeling that my SO is reconsidering that decision. In the past month or so, he's been doing and saying a lot of things which have given me this feeling. In a previous post, The Fake Proposal, I spoke about how I thought he was going to propose due to certain circumstances, despite my boyfriend constantly saying how he never wants to get married. Ever since then, marriage is something he's been bringing up a lot.

The first thing he did was sing a song about marriage to me, twice. The whole song is about asking the father for permission to marry his daughter and he sang it entirely, whilst looking me in the eyes. I asked jokingly, "who you marrying?" and he responded with "you". I waited for him to giggle and say he was only joking but he didn't.

Then a week or so ago, I was talking about how I couldn't remember things well and he very randomly said, "so you wouldn't be able to remember anniversaries then... if you ever got married". I tried to hide my happy/shock reaction whilst responding with, "well I remember your birthday and our anniversary fine", followed by "so who am I marrying?". I believe he said something along the lines of if I married someone else in future.

Then last night, he got a bit soppy and was saying how much he loved me. He was spurting out things about how amazing I was, how much he loved me then he said jokingly, "will you marry me?!". I decided to call him out on what he's been doing; I even said to him that it feels like he's reconsidering marriage and he didn't answer me. He heard me but he didn't give me an answer. Afterwards he spoke about how he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with me.

My SO knows I'm happy being with him, married or not. He is the one for me after all. I did talk to him about the legalities of marriage as in if one of us died and there was no will and no marriage, then everything would be taken away by the government and the other would be left with nothing. He did consider that aspect of marriage.

We often talk about how we want to spend the rest of our lives together, that we're soulmates, that we're the "one" for each other and how we've never been so sure of anyone before. We're both certain we've found our other half so I know there's no doubt in his mind.
He's very easily manipulated by people though. His parents aren't married so he feels there's no need for marriage to stay together (which is true) and his coworker has a bad marriage, they were going to divorce but haven't. He says people always divorce but he doesn't consider arranged/forced marriages, people marrying for money and for all the wrong reasons and those that are stupid and rush into marriage with someone they've just met or don't love, either knowingly or not.

Do you think he's reconsidering it?

Playing hard to get

Originally posted on my old blog which will soon be removed

I've come across guys who describe a woman who is completely uninterested in them and it's pretty obvious, but then they ask, “are they playing hard to get?”. I've even come across one guy who thought this girl was playing hard to get when she even told him she wasn't interested!

For starters, most if not, all women do not play this “hard to get” game. They either like you or they don't. If a girl likes you, she's going to want to jump straight into your arms, not make it harder and potentially lose you because she wanted to play a little game with you. If a girl didn't like you, she'd drop all contact with you or just say that she doesn't like you in that way. And I think that's where guys are going wrong.

If you feel like a woman is avoiding you, then you're probably right; she is. If she doesn't return your phone calls after a week, she's either a really busy person who never uses her phone or she's ignoring you. Put yourself in their position; if you had a missed call from someone you weren't interested in, would you call them back? If she does call back within a couple days, apologising to you for not calling back sooner, then she's probably interested and was just genuinely busy.

If you turn up somewhere and you see her look at you and leave immediately, she's clearly avoiding you. Now, in some cases, some girls can be shy but if they liked you and they were shy, they wouldn't completely leave the room. Just because they're shy, it doesn't mean they dislike being in your company. She may avoid eye contact with you (due to being shy) but still steal glances at you when she thinks you're not looking. If a woman completely avoids eye contact with you and you never catch her looking in your direction, even just to look at the pretty painting behind you, she's most likely avoiding you. Obviously, if the woman you're pursuing, walks up to you with a big smile on her face the moment she sees you, with the intentions of a good chat, then that's a clear sign she likes you.

If you ask her out on a date and she refuses, excuse or not, she either does have a genuine excuse for not being free or she's just not interested. Furthermore, if you ask her out multiple times on dates but she continually has excuses or cancels last minute, that's a huge sign she doesn't want to date you. If she really liked you, she'd make time for you. She'd probably even make time to go shopping for a new outfit to impress you on the day! But, remember, even girls who like you can get busy, things do come up at the last minute and her excuses can be genuine. I'd say after three attempts to get a date with her have failed, you should take it as a sign she's not interested and move on.

You guys get the picture...

The “hard to get” game is rarely present in real life. Like I said before, if you think a woman is ignoring/avoiding you, she probably is and you should move on instead of making yourself believe that she's just playing hard to get. If she liked you, she'd be in your arms by now!

Sunday, 27 July 2014

Maternal Instinct

This post was originally posted on my other blog which will soon be removed

I have never had a strong urge to have children. In fact, I believe I have no maternal instinct as they say. My monthly cycle has always been irregular and sometimes I don't have one for up to 3 months! So maybe that's a contributing factor.
What's strange is that my mother always had a very prominent maternal instinct and her only dream in life was to have a family. My partner doesn't want to get married but I don't mind. Married or not, I want to have a good career, but I'm still unsure about having children. This is mainly because not only lacking any want to have children, I weighed out the pro's and cons.

- Unconditional love
- Someone who looks up to you
- It's what makes a family
- You have someone to care for you when you're old

- 9 months of discomfort carrying them
- Ridiculous amount of pain and risks when giving birth
- Expensive
- Huge responsibility
- You're stuck with them for the rest of your life
- They're hard work
- It can affect your career
- Can put a strain on your relationship with your partner
- It's extremely stressful
- Huge change to normal life
- Less freedom
- Constant worry about their safety
- You need to be emotionally stable/strong to be a good parent to them correctly
- They can get into trouble as they grow older, causing more stress
- They can be disrespectful when teenagers towards you
- Usually permanent physical damage to the mum

There's probably more, but those are all I can think of right now. As you can see, there's reason behind my choice and I have thought about everything deeply, something I think a lot of future mothers don't do. Though I believe the maternal instinct completely hides all the cons of having children, that's what it's there for. Those without it see all the cons, so have no desire for children.

Whenever I held a baby, I thought they were cute but I always thought to myself 'they're not always going to be cute. They're going to grow up into human beings and at some point in their lives, disrespect their mother and all they've done for them.'
Whenever I see some baby shoes or clothes, I just think they're cute because of their size and I think about how I was that small when I was a baby. I never think ' one day, I'll be buying clothes like these for my baby!'. But a couple of my friends have said 'I can't wait to have children!' and I never felt the same way. It sometimes made me feel like something was wrong with me and I felt less of a woman.

In my past relationships, my partners would talk about having children and would get very excited but I always felt uncomfortable when they spoke about it, because I was unsure about my view on children and if I would have them. I do sometimes think to myself that when I'm older and (possibly) married, I'll just go for it and try to not overthink it too much, but my partner doesn't want children either (thank goodness). When I think of a future where I just have my husband/partner and a job, it makes me feel like it's half a life, but that could be society talking to me. I haven't thought about potentially travelling the world with my partner, seeing things not many people have seen etc. first.

I not long ago read an article about a woman who didn't have a maternal instinct and so didn't want to have children. I then proceeded to read the comments. Now, some of the comments were of others who also had no desire for children, however, there were a few people who got very aggressive!

A few believed it was disgraceful to not want to reproduce as they were carried for 9 months by their mothers, as if to say, it's only fair that you go through the same situation and pain to make up for it. However, I have never once heard a mother say to her daughter 'you must give me grandchildren, just so it's fair that you go through the same as what I have'. In fact, I think some mothers wouldn't want their daughter to go through the stresses of bringing up a child, but they allow it because they want grandchildren and it's just the common thing for women to have children. And what about their sons? Their sons don't have to make up for all the pain their mother went through because they can't, so why should their daughters? I've told my mother that I'm unsure and may never have children and she's fully accepted it. She'd rather see me happy than going through something I hated. You can make up to your mothers by being respectful, caring, helpful etc, it shouldn't just be about reproduction.

Some people have said that those who do not want children just prefer their career and/or refuse to take on such a responsibility because they're selfish. Would you rather see a business woman who's always working, who dislikes children, to have her own children and them being brought up by a mother who has no time for them and secretly despises them? Some people have a drive to be successful in life and feel that children are a hindrance, which is understandable because they take up a huge part of your life. A major career is a huge responsibility in itself, so you can't say that they refuse to take on a responsibility of children because they're lazy.

I'm hoping to get a job working with animals, a job that doesn't require a degree. This is nothing like studying for years to become a vet, a doctor or running your own business. I'd have quite a lot of time free to spend with my children with (hopefully) no work to be done outside of work. I also see my future career being a job that makes money that I will enjoy, not a life choice. I'm certainly not choosing my career over children. Everyone takes on responsibilities one way or another and children are one of those huge responsibilities. Just because we choose not to have children, it does not mean we're incapable of looking after a child. I occasionally think I'd be a good mother and bring them up a lot better than most mothers nowadays, but I don't want children. I don't know why that's so hard to accept.

I think it's disgraceful that people can be so rude to others just because they choose a different lifestyle to the billions of other people in the world. Yeah, billions. The world is already overpopulated and I wish it wasn't this way. I believe that women lacking any form of maternal instinct can be a good thing due to a decrease in births, it just needs to be socially accepted. Maybe it can be classified as an evolutionary process to decrease the ever increasing population. The more people who are brought into this world, the more pregnancies occur and we will soon have a ridiculously high and out of control population.
There are so many children on this earth who have no homes, no food, no comfort, no anything. Why should we bring more children into the world when there are already children who still need to be cared for?

Also consider those parents who are incapable of bringing up a child. There are millions of people who suffer with a mental illness, or any form of illness which is passed on genetically to children. There are those who suffer with serious illness who have chosen not to have children to stop the illness being passed on. I think that's a great thing. After all, we reproduce to pass on the good genes, not the bad. But why should people get frowned upon for not conforming to the rules of society?

I personally know a woman who is bipolar, is always on Facebook and the baby's father wants nothing to do with the child. So this child has a mother who suffers with a mental disorder (which it most likely has now inherited), a mother who suffers with the modern day obsession with the internet and an absentee father. That child is not being brought up in a positive atmosphere which can lead to multiple problems. If children weren't brought into this world in a negative atmosphere, then maybe the world would be a better place.
Others have drug addictions, are homeless, jobless, abusive, too young or are incapable of such a huge responsibility due to many problems. There are many people in this world who shouldn't have children for a number of reasons or aren't ready for a child but society (and those who think people who don't have children are "selfish, bitter and mad") pushes it upon them. Somehow it's more socially acceptable for a jobless, mentally ill person who can barely look after themselves let alone a child, to have children, than someone who responsibly refuses to have children for a variety of reasons. Why is that?

I think people should be more accepting of people's decisions and accept the fact that not every woman has the drive to have children.

Friday, 25 July 2014

For my mother

Words can't describe just how much you mean to me, such a cliché sentence I know, but that's how I feel. You fill all the voids in my heart with your never ending, unconditional love for me. I consider you my best friend and I'm proud to tell the world that. You're beautiful inside and out. You not only put me first but everyone else first before yourself. I love being around you and everyday I miss you when you're not home. When you have days off, I consider them little holidays and I look forward to spending the day with you and knowing you're there with me. Seeing you laugh and smile makes me a whole lot happier. When you open my door in the mornings and come into my bed to give me a morning cuddle, I feel so happy and lucky to have you. It's the best feeling in the world. We both depend on each other for companionship, friendship and most of all, love, which is what has made our bond even stronger. My most memorable, happiest moments have been with you. Just cuddling into you all evening is all I need to make me feel loved, safe and comforted. Like I said, my love and need for you is indescribable though I'm sure I could write a book on everything you've done for me and more. Not a day goes by where I do not appreciate you for everything you have done for me and everything you are.

You truly are and always will be the best person I have ever had the privilege to be close too.

I love you.

Thursday, 24 July 2014

Don't hold your past against someone

This post was originally posted on another blog of mine which will soon be removed

This is something that mainly girls do which really bugs me. They hold their bad past against their new partners. How can you do that? In my eyes, it's a pretty selfish move. I understand they have reason to be cautious but when they start becoming some whiny girlfriend who goes on at her partner for silly things like coming home 5 minutes later than expected and then accusing them of cheating.. that's just too far.

I've picked some of the worst guys without realising and I've been put through so much pain because of guys yet I start every new relationship with a new slate because it's a new person with new morals, new way of thinking, new everything! They're nothing like your ex so why treat them like they are? I believe if you start viewing your partner like your evil ex, then you may as well wave goodbye to your new partner because your relationship will inevitably fall apart.
I think the only thing of the past you should bring to the future is your knowledge of your bad experiences. You should realise that now you have the knowledge to pick up on the small signs you missed before. When you break up with someone, these signs you missed

in the beginning become more prominent. For example, my last ex boyfriend was controlling and abusive. I was completely oblivious to this until we broke up. I went on my FB and after a bit of scrolling, I noticed that I had around 1000 wall posts from my ex, most of which were asking where I was, what I was doing, or telling me to answer my phone. The others were ridiculously cringey and mushy and I realised it was all just a game to pull me in and for him to then gain control. I remember he put a mushy poem on my wall after a week of dating! When I received that, I thought it was adorable but now I realise it was just a way to pull me in.
When you get into a new relationship, you can tell almost instantly if they're any good for you or not; you'll pick up on the vibes and match them with the vibe you got with your ex. It's almost like compare and contrast. If you get a bad vibe, you can either nip it in the bud and end the relationship, or you can be a bit more observant for any signs you missed in your last relationship of any infidelity, abuse, or just poor treatment of you.

So if you're reading this and you've had very bad relationship experiences, I plead with you that it is unfair and selfish to tar everyone who comes along with the same brush! You only have one chance at life so if you want to fall in love, allow yourself, don't refrain for fear of being hurt. If anything, after all the pain you've been through, you'll be stronger and you'll be quicker at moving on. Imagine how you would feel if you got into a relationship with someone who was stuck in the past all the time and they didn't trust you even though you're a very loyal, trustworthy person. It would annoy you and you'd feel like you're walking on egg shells all the time to avoid any emotional overreaction from them.

Think before you love.

Online Relationships

This post was originally posted on my other blog which will soon be removed

I don't know what to think about online relationships. I mean, my first boyfriend was a guy I met online, but he lived just half an hour away so we saw each other every week and we were together for nearly 2 years. I wouldn't call that an online relationship though; we only met online. I started talking to my second boyfriend through Facebook but we had many mutual friends, he used to go to the same high school and he also dated my friend. So that relationship started online but we saw each other regularly in person. However, I met my current boyfriend in person, we got to know each other, entirely in person and now we're together. To me, it felt so much more romantic and more exciting reading his body language and his signals, rather than what he said in text.

I know how it feels to fall for someone who you met online. I nearly got into an entirely online relationship seeing as he lived a few hours away but things just went sour for many reasons. I also thought about how we would never know when we were going to meet, I didn't know how my parents would react if they found out I was having an online relationship, or how my family and friends would react/think/say. They would probably believe that I was so desperate for a boyfriend, I resorted to online dating which wasn't the case as I don't go online to date. I think many things come into the equation when it comes to online dating, that wouldn't come with a relationship you have in person and I think that's why online relationships can get quite confusing.

When I come across people online who have been dating someone completely online, texts and phone calls, I think about the lack of intimacy that you would have in a face-to-face relationship. To me, I think it'd very much feel like being in a relationship with a computer, or being in a relationship with someone who's in jail. I'd feel so restricted and slightly stupid for keeping loyal and faithful to someone I had never met in person.

I also know people change online. They become more confident and you're always talking. But I've met people online (through mutual friends) and they talk so much online but when you finally meet them, they're actually very shy and quiet. I'd hate to be in a relationship with someone for a long time, finally meet them and the chemistry isn't there at all; no communication, no connection, no nothing. It's quite a risk to take and in my eyes, that risk is a huge waste of time.

Being online helps many people find love, but I always think back to the life we had without computers. People would meet each other in person and I feel people should go back to the old fashioned ways when it comes to dating. I believe the internet has alienated us from people in general when out in public and we rely on hiding behind technology to make connections, friendships and relationships. We're social creatures, it's in our nature to talk and meet people so why have we stopped?

Another thing is how people view online daters. I, for one, view online daters to be very shy, insecure people who can't find anyone in person so they resort to online relationships. I know that's a poor generalisation but you have to admit, the vast majority are people who can't get a date in person for a number of reasons. The internet allows them to hide away and most likely, make them even more shy and insecure when it comes to face-to-face interaction. I know this is very easy to happen and without you even realising. I was on the internet almost every day, talking to strangers because I had no-one and nothing else to do as I'm not in college, but in a part time job. I then found that I had become socially retarded when with people and it knocked my confidence to the ground.

But if these online daters find who they're looking for, it has a repercussion; they become addicted to their means of contact with this person, either it be their computer, tablet, phone etc. Inevitably, pushing others in their day to day lives away. If anything, they're pushing their chances of meeting someone in person away for someone they've met online, who they know very little about and probably wouldn't have much chemistry with in person.

Online relationships have become more and more common because we rely on the internet so much. I think the internet is good for meeting local people who you could meet easily and regularly, but shouldn't be used for an entire relationship. Soon there will be 'e-marriage' (if there isn't already!) which is just ridiculous. Good luck on the wedding night!

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

What I learnt from camping

My partner and I went camping a couple nights ago and it certainly wasn't a break. It was much too stressful and painful to be a break. Getting there was fine, we had no trouble and putting up the tent was a breeze (aside from me breaking it, twice). After everything was set up, we had some food at the cafe and then we enjoyed the hot weather by going for walks through the mountains. We went out a few times and exhausted ourselves so went to relax, well try to relax, in our little tent. We had too much time on our hands so we had the task of trying to stay awake and keep ourselves entertained until the night. We had several hours on our hands to use up.

At 7:30pm, my partner decided we should go out again for a walk. We walked up a hill to see lovely views whilst my partner spoke about how he wanted to go to the top of one of the lush mountains. He wanted to find a way up but a lot of paths were gated with signs informing us that it was private property. However, we did find a trail that led to the top of one of the mountains, not only that, but to a roman fort. My partner was ecstatic and we (stupidly) ran up a steep hill, exhausting ourselves immediately. With the excitement, we didn't go the right way and had a long, stressful journey up the mountain. We even gave up on the road we were following and literally went up through the wilderness in desperation to get to the top.

We came across a map which we followed and we finally reached the bottom of what appeared to be a fairly easy hill in which to get to the fort. We were deceived. It curved over, we were walking for so much longer than we expected, up a treacherous, steep mountain side. At this point, we were both finding it hard, my calves and feet were screaming to me "what on earth are you doing?" My partner is very athletic, he goes to the gym everyday, but he was exhausted, he had to sit down a few times!

Anyway, we got to the top and the views were amazing. We took a few photos and videos but we couldn't stay for long because the wind was strong and so cold. By this time, it was about 9pm, the sun had just disappeared behind the mountains. It was getting dark and cold. I only had a vest top on, shorts and sandals and my partner had very minimal clothes on as well. We didn't even have a torch.

We were navigating through paths which were actually very narrow treaded paths amongst stinging nettles and bushes, that went down hill, in the dark. We hadn't planned it well at all. This is where I saw another side to my partner, this is what I learnt. My partner is very laid back, he's not easily stressed which is something I like about him. It balances us out because I get stressed over little things quite easily. However, the roles were reversed. I had never seen him so irritable and stressed before. He was swearing more than he ever has and I've never seen him want to get back inside (to the tent) before because he's normally so outgoing. I became the calm laid back one in order to keep him cool. It was strange seeing another side to him, I've known him for about a year and a half now and I thought I knew a lot about him, nearly everything. I must clarify, he wasn't swearing aggressively, he was still laughing at my jokes about everything, but he was very clearly irritated.

I later thought that going camping is a great way for a new couple to learn about each other. You must use teamwork and nearly everything goes wrong when you go camping so it's a great way to have an insight into how they deal with stress and things going wrong. If they get very irritated and stressed easily, which turns into destructive anger, you know to be careful with someone like that because that anger could potentially turn against you one day.

Friday, 11 July 2014

My new job

I have been working for the past couple weeks, almost every day. Today is my first day off in 9 days; two of which were for compulsory training. I've been finding the job fine but I've looked at next weeks rota and I can't say I'm comfortable with it. Last week I went out with a woman who has downs syndrome and is unable to speak... for 5.5 hours! At that time, I met my mum (who also works with me) who made the whole thing bearable and it was my only call that day, but I don't think I have that comfort next week and I have her twice! I also have three people who I've never met before, one of which is my very first call on Monday so I'm quite apprehensive about that. I also met a woman last week who was, let's say, very unhygienic and has difficulty speaking. I didn't have a very pleasant call with her so requested never to work with her again, only to see her on my rota next week! That gave me a shock but thankfully someone's covering that for me.

Overall, everything is going well though. I'm surviving and I actually feel more complete and happier with a job and a car to look after. It's weird.

Being Thin

When it comes to weight, people focus on overweight people and for whatever reason they're overweight, it's seen as extremely disrespectful to comment on an obese person's weight. But what about the thin people who receive comments about their weight? They're usually ignored due to the common reason of "they're skinny, they can't complain". I understand why that is said but thin people can still feel disrespected from comments like "eat more, you're anorexic". Now, if you flip those comments towards an obese person, "eat less, you're obese", it becomes an insult and I don't see why people can't make that connection. Maybe I should've said to the guy yesterday, "you wouldn't tell an obese person to eat less so why tell me to eat more?", but then I'd look like a cold bitch.

Personally, when I receive such comments, I don't necessarily feel disrespected but feel it was unnecessary for them to say it. It's usually people who don't know me. If they knew me, they'd know I eat huge amounts and not particularly healthily, though I usually keep around the daily calorie intake (somehow). I currently weigh almost 10st which is probably nearing a bit overweight for my height and age and I feel like I have some excess fat I could do without, though I'm generally healthy (I believe). As you can tell, I'm no where near anorexic so why should I be accused of being so? People make out that it's ugly to be skinny, though it's fairly obvious why people say that.

It's true that whatever you do, someone will have something bad to say about it. You can be morbidly obese and get insulted and lectured about your weight, you can actually be anorexic and be sniggered at or you can be a healthy weight and that's still a problem. You can't win.