Wednesday, 11 November 2015

People respect you more when you die.

I came across a deceased person's facebook. Every year, people had been posting non stop and when he was in a coma, some three years ago. They were all reminiscing of the good times and memories which were often really random pointless sentences he'd said to them. So I assumed he was very popular and highly loved. However when I went to his statuses when he was alive, it consisted of statuses asking for people to send him a message, getting next to no likes and his photos had barely any attention. Surely, if he was so loved and popular, he wouldn't have to ask for messages all the time. I also realised that he wrote a status about getting really drunk, but then the next morning in the early hours, he crashed his bike and went into a coma, so he was drink driving and caused his own death.

I hate that people bullshit in things like this to make out that they're deeply hurt and it's like a competition of how close they were to the deceased. Some were even saying RIP when he was still alive! It's pathetic.

Monday, 12 October 2015

Boy seduced by teacher

This is more of a rant.

I watched ITV This Morning and they had a 15 year old boy on, whose female teacher had seduced him. They started texting and she started inviting him to her house and it went from a weekly thing to going to her house up to five times a week! What did his parents think? That boy went willingly to her house and anyone would realise what was going on but the guy even admitted he had a crush on her. If I was 15 and found a male teacher attractive, I wouldn't go to his house regularly. I'd know that wasn't right so he should've refused but of course he went and willingly kissed her back and did sexual things with her. It's illegal yes, and the boy knew that but he ignored it and enjoyed the attention and sex. He then decided it was wrong and that it had affected him negatively somehow. It doesn't make any sense to me. If the genders were switched, the teen girl wouldn't willingly kiss back or go along with that and the man would probably actually get jail time. It's illegal but most young boys are only thinking about sex and women so they wouldn't normally report this.

Tuesday, 8 September 2015

Invisible Illnesses

I have numerous invisible illnesses and despite people knowing about invisible illnesses, they're still quick to dismiss you because you look healthy and you're young. My illnesses may in fact, improve as I grow older which I'll explain in more detail but they can still be difficult to live with.

The first one is Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) which I was recently diagnosed with. It's considered an invisible illness which can affect young and perfectly healthy people, but it can be so severe that people require disabled badges (which ultimately attracts negative attention), are unable to work or live a normal life. It's basically a malfunction in the autonomic system where your lower blood vessels don't constrict when you stand, so blood falls from your brain but doesn't return fully for a certain amount of time. Your heart then beats super fast, trying to get your blood pressure up to normal but by then, some people have fainted or like me, gone blind and extremely dizzy. When I'm having a small episode, I look perfectly fine and like there's nothing wrong. I just kind of freeze or I might show a face of discomfort for a few seconds until I regain my sight and the blood returns. This condition comes with a whole host of other symptoms like nausea, anxiety, dehydration etc. This is a condition which may improve seeing as people often get high blood pressure as they age. Thankfully, it's not totally debilitating and I've never fainted, but if I ever do, then I know I'm unwell or it's getting worse. I have had really bad days in which I've felt unsafe to drive due to constant dizzy spells and losing sight.

My other condition is Joint Hypermobility Syndrome (JHS), though I'm pretty sure it's Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS) but seeing as I love having syndromes which are notoriously difficult to diagnose, they're refusing to diagnose me with it for no real reason. One doctor said that it could lead to depression but I already have that. All of my symptoms lead to EDS, including the random and regular bruising, as well as a messed up jaw. There's also some debate of whether JHS and EDS are the same thing.
Anyway, JHS makes me feel generally weak, like my joints are held together by tape which sometimes makes me fearful of doing some things such as yoga and I've made the choice to never do the splits again because it made me dislocate my knee. I've had shoulder subluxations (partial dislocations) just from swimming so that's a big implication. Pulling my handbrake in my car or sweeping often causes my wrists to detach for a bit which is a horrible feeling. I get joint pain/aches that are sometimes very sharp, sudden and very painful but manageable. The knee I dislocated is often the most painful area, understandably. This pain can happen for no reason or sometimes from minimal repetitive activity like walking. Seeing as I have weak joints, my muscles have to work twice as hard which tires them out quicker and can easily cause muscle ache. People with JHS don't respond well to anaesthetic either and may have hernias (which I've had). I'm more likely to develop osteoporosis and I strongly believe I will develop it because my hip bones grind together and click regularly (like every joint in my body). This will likely continue for my life, wearing the bone down. Standing or sitting for long periods can cause my muscles to tense up and basically lock me in one position until I uncomfortably stretch myself out. This condition will hopefully improve as I get older because people lose their flexibility as they age.

I also have Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) which is more well known but is an embarrassing condition because of its stereotypes. Personally, it causes me severe bloating and incredible pain on bad days. I'm practically allergic to everything I eat which causes a reaction and I'm allergic to some alcoholic beverages. I once haemorrhaged from the back passage while on a college trip and I still don't know what that was despite all the examinations and the numerous doctors (doctors are awful nowadays).

POTS, JHS, EDS and IBS are all related. People with JHS/EDS, usually have POTS and/or IBS. Also, all of these can cause fatigue so I'm sure you can imagine how exhausted I feel.

So as you can see, I've got a lot on my plate as a 20 year old, however I look physically fit and healthy on the outside. People expect more from me and will make me do more things e.g. in work instead of an older person but I can struggle just as bad. I can generally exercise like anyone else and I can do a lot that others can do. I often wonder if I'm in more pain/discomfort than I realise, I've just grown so accustomed to it, I can simply ignore it and when it's "bad", it would be excruciating to another person. Idk, but us invisible illness people do get a lot of annoying issues come our way. My conditions might potentially prevent me from working full time in the career I was hoping for. No-one's going to employ someone who struggles to stand for long periods of time. I can manage in my current job because I get to sit down every hour and even that's not enough sometimes.

I won't lie. I have cried a few times over my health because I literally feel like an 80 year old woman. Nowadays, I'm too scared to do the splits/handstands/cartwheels because of my joints and I can't even do yoga because most of the time, it feels like I'll dislocate something so in some ways, it does hold me back but thankfully, it could be a lot worse.

Wednesday, 19 August 2015

Followers

I'm totally bored today so I decided to count up all of my followers on all social media I use so here goes;

Facebook - 232
Twitter - 292
Wattpad - 93
GAG - 219
Ask.fm - 131
Instagram - 336

Total = 1303

I'm pretty sure I have followers on other websites I used to use so you could probably add 100 more.

I think I'm officially unpopular online haha! Hopefully my Wattpad followings will go up soon. It was only about 30 a couple weeks ago!

How many accumulative followers do you have? :)

Tuesday, 11 August 2015

Mindless Tattoos



I know a girl who was in my college class. She loves reptiles and tattoos. She got her first tattoo when she was in college which actually was a tattoo to symbolise her and her boyfriend's love and relationship (stupid I know). They're still together luckily for her. She got a reptile tattoo on her foot that was cute. Near the end of college though, she got her favourite Japanese manga character tattooed on her forearm, quite large. His hair is all black so from a distance, it looks like a black blob on her forearm and it's totally out of place. When I saw her with it in college, she seemed quite self conscious about it. After college, she got more tattoos, it seems just weeks between each other. This girl definitely has an addiction. Her tattoos are just random things she likes, tattooed on herself, whether it looks nice or not. I know people can tattoo whatever they want, do whatever they want but even I noticed, she seemed self conscious about that forearm one.

Two weeks ago, she got a thigh tattoo and only a couple of days ago, she got another one. She's already planning to have another tattoo but of her dog. She always tags things like #tattoedwoman on instagram, like she's trying to get a following for it so she's trying to get as many tattoos as she can, without actually thinking about it. Her manga tattoo got over 1700 likes, whilst the rest of her photos have barely any. They always recommend that you give yourself 6 months to think over your tattoo before getting it, she has a new one every couple of weeks! It may bring her happiness now, but I have a feeling she'll regret at least a couple of them because she's doing them on the whim. Yes, people are covered in tattoos, but they do it because they love their tattoos, they often have meaning. They don't get covered in them to get some kind of following or to be liked by others or to try to be cool. I feel like she's doing it all for the wrong reasons.


I think I have Philophobia

"Philophobia is the abnormal, persistent and unwarranted fear of falling in love or emotional attachment. The risk is usually when a person has confronted any emotional turmoil relating to love in the past but also can be chronic phobia"

- wikipedia



I've just discovered this phobia but it rings true for me. I'm actually going on another date this Sunday with a new guy and I'm super nervous about it because I'm very smitten with him but I keep reminding myself that he'll probably let me down like the others. I always set my expectations low, yet with this guy, I'm hoping for so much and showing my family pictures of him! I'm excited but at the same time scared. I told my mother my heart was locked in a cage, it just has eyes for him but she didn't understand. I honestly want this to work but I'm so scared about this being painful that I worry it's going to ruin any chance. If he notices my instability about the whole thing, he'll probably run a mile! No guy wants to date a broken girl. I've already spoke to my friend about this and my mother told me not to tar all men with the same brush and I don't, well I really try not to. It's not like I think he'll be untrustworthy and cheat, it's more about him not being interested or just leaving me in the dark like the last asshole did. And then if we do get together, the painful break-up would seem inevitable. If things don't work out with this guy - I give up.

And oh yeah, following on from that post about the date, the asshole I was referring to was him. He disappeared off the face of the earth after the second date which seemed fine. He kissed me and arranged to meet up again but then he ignored my texts.




Friday, 24 July 2015

HTML


Ignore this.

I'm just trying out some HTML and wanted somewhere to save/mess around with it. ☺

Edit; I might use this for future posts! What do you think?












LOOK!

I MADE THIS.







Friday, 17 July 2015

Date

I went on a date today. Well I didn't consider it a date, until he said "isn't this the best date you've ever had?" sarcastically as we entered a car park. I don't like assuming it's a date, just in case the guy goes, "woah, this is just a friendly thing!" That'd be awkward.

This guy liked me when he was with his ex girlfriend (my friend). I could tell and when they broke up, he'd end up contacting me but now they've totally broke up, he's contacted me. I was interested in him when I first saw him, when he was with his girlfriend but we respected the relationship. The guy is super laid back and it probably didn't help that he was a bit hungover and really tired. We spoke openly about relationships and he asked some interesting questions that stumped me, like "what do you think the meaning of relationships are at our age?". He seems to be socially intelligent, but not intelligent in other things, no offence to him. I don't seem to find the bright ones! How he spoke about people and their actions kind of surprised me, in a good way.

He's very honest which I like. He told me he found my feet attractive and I joked about him having foot fetish which he denied. Then we went to that car park alone and I had a feeling he wanted to kiss me. He then said, "I'm going to say something that's weird" and he was really uncertain about whether to say it but I coaxed it out of him and he said, "I really want to kiss you. I wanted to on the beach but I didn't know how you'd react." I didn't know what to say, but I thought it was cute. I eventually said that there's no rush for that, that this is the first proper time we've met and that I usually kiss guys later on. I prefer a kiss to be more natural and unexpected. I said we'll see how the day goes. I never felt awkward with him though. Later on, he said he likes long kisses which I could tell.

He then sat behind me and I played with his feet and he asked if I was ticklish (cliché guy move, haha!). Then he pulled me up to sit on his lap but I couldn't because of the position he was sitting in and then he went in for the kiss when I turned around. That was nice. I giggled, I usually do with first kisses. It was nice though, it was a lovely day. We kissed a couple more times. He had his hand on my leg the whole time we were in the cinema, which I liked, so we're already comfortable. I think my relaxed attitude calms people so they open up quicker and we get comfortable sooner. I don't expect people to act perfect when I first meet them and I act entirely myself so they do too.

I'm still not sure, not really about him, but more about me. I didn't feel that instant connection and I'm still unsure of whether I'm ready to date but I'm just going to take things slow, let things develop. He did make me genuinely laugh a few times (I can't remember what they were over though!) which is a plus. He seems to have a bit of OCD about certain things but it's quite cute, nothing majorly bad or weird. I think it adds character. He said he was an odd one.

He was polite, yet relaxed. Like he burped, which I didn't care about and he apologised and then we talked about burping! He asked if it was okay if he used his phone, he didn't want to come across as rude. He kept saying it was nice to meet me and that he'd had a lovely day. He checked to see if I was home safe too. He does seem like a nice guy (but they all do at first). I'm still fairly cautious about the whole thing though. We have to keep it a bit quiet though because he broke up with my friend 3 weeks ago for good. They haven't spoken since then but I don't want to upset her. She's on my facebook and we get along well, I think she's lovely and I know how it feels to see a recent ex with someone new. So I've asked the guy to keep it quiet out of respect for her. If things lead into more, then we'll eventually make it public.

Thursday, 16 July 2015

"Basic" Tattoos

I came across a website months ago, which basically showed a load of common tattoos and brandished them "basic white girl tattoos". I liked some of the tattoos, even if they were common ("basic") and I would like to have something similar. It got me thinking though, who has the right to negatively judge and categorise these tattoos? They may be common but they're all slightly different on each woman and their meanings may be unique and the reasonings behind getting the tattoo are definitely unique. If it makes the wearer happy and empowered, then why should it be knocked down? I want a tattoo which could be considered "basic", but it has a couple personal meanings triggered by things that happened in my life. Seeing this negative view on these kinds of tattoos has dissuaded me from getting it, even though it may benefit me in the long run due to the meaning. I would hate to get the tattoo and someone laugh at it, saying it's so basic. My current tattoo isn't common, but the meaning and its presence has helped me when I've suffered severe depressive episodes, reminding me that my mum is there always and I will always have at least one person who loves me.

We shouldn't be hating on people's tattoos (unless it's a nazi/KKK symbol). Let them wear it with pride and show their personality and beliefs through their tattoos.

Monday, 29 June 2015

Mental Illness

I sometimes feel like I no longer have a mental illness. Lately, I've been feeling calm, with little to no anxiety, no panic attacks, no severe mood drops and no suicidal tendencies. It could all be down to the medication I'm on but it makes me feel like I was just going mad and making it all up in my head before, yet I know what I experienced was painfully real. People share their experiences of mental illness and their struggles which I totally sympathise with now I understand, but I find it hard to share my story because I'm starting to forget how it feels! I guess that's a good thing though. I know I had a lot of panic attacks, but I can only remember two of them. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe I'm just really good at distracting myself nowadays, spending hours on my laptop and taking an interest in writing stories online (something I never thought I'd do). I've ordered those adult colouring books for me and my mum which will also calm me, but it'll make me feel better and then I'll question myself again. Yet, despite this, the fear of coming off my medication is very real. I feel 90% sure that I'll go downhill again and start having panic attacks worse than before, caging me in a life of medication.

Mental illness sucks, but so does the recovery.


Wednesday, 10 June 2015

Car

I'd been driving illegally for four months without realising because my MOT was overdue! I'm surprised I wasn't fined. Well let's hope I haven't been caught. My car failed its MOT yesterday though. I had it repaired and it came to £200+ :'( That's going to leave a dent in my bank! However, my car runs a lot better now! It had a broken spring, bad hand brake alignment, a broken bush bearing and a bald tire. The whole car feels sturdier and the handbrake is super strong now! It feels like I have a new car.

It's made me think about not selling it after a year, but investing more money into it so it's perfect. It wouldn't take much work or too much money. I don't like the idea of selling it to someone now when I've spent a lot of money, but there's nothing to show for it. I'm thinking of getting new bumpers, repairing the dent, changing the brakes and steering pump and possibly some welding. With all that done, it'd be like a new car! I could then sell it for more when the time comes. It has low mileage for an old car and its engine works fine so I think it has a long life ahead of it still. Or I could keep it as it is and then sell it for less, but buy a new car. I don't know what I should do!



Monday, 18 May 2015

This isn't how anyone should live

I was pouring my heart out whilst driving to college today. I was crying quite a lot, running my freshly applied make-up in terrible driving conditions. I could barely see through the rain and my tears but I didn't care if I crashed. It was so bad, I was planning on skipping my first lessons; I didn't want people asking if I'd been crying but I thought I would just face it. I, almost instinctually, practised a smile before I got to my first lesson and no-one even noticed I'd been crying. Thankfully the room was dark and I'd gotten most of the tears out so I was ready to put on my façade - it worked. No-one suspected a thing. By the end of the day, I was physically crying with laughter.

This just isn't normal, happy or healthy. Why do I have to be the fucked up one and why hasn't anyone noticed that I'm dying inside? Is my façade that good? It's torture having to put on a smile but regularly planning out your suicide plan, you know, just in case things got too bad. I have a suicide plan ready for if I ever wanted to leave this world, inspired by the great Robin Williams and some facts from a popular pathologist.
Do other people do this or is this only for the mentally fucked up ones that society throws into a corner? I wonder how people, more importantly him, would react if I did die. It would probably be a relief for many and heartache for some. Would they ever feel guilty for not noticing me and my behaviour, for never asking how I am and checking I'm okay when I need support?

I wonder...


Thursday, 30 April 2015

Contradiction

Everyone tells you to be more confident in yourself, to love everything about yourself but the moment you show you're happy with yourself, people despise it and try to knock you down. If I wrote a status online now saying I thought I was very attractive or I stated a positive attribute about myself, I'd get an influx of hate or people will view me as pompous and no longer want to know me. All of this would be happening, whilst my mum tells me to be more positive and to love myself more. Sometimes I do feel confident in myself, but instantly worry if I say something that sounds the slightest bit conceited.

Can you see the contradiction here? I'm guilty of viewing someone as conceited if they show a bit too much confidence in themselves (or is that arrogance?), but then I think about this contradiction and support them. If arrogance is when you're sure of yourself and is often seen negatively, why are we told to love and be confident with ourselves? I honestly don't understand this logic.

Tuesday, 21 April 2015

Boys, boys, boys!

I know it sounds absolutely terrible and conceited, but I'm getting tired of all these guys messaging me since I became single. Can a girl breathe after a tough break up? I don't appreciate awkward sexual conversations or trying to manipulate me into bed. I don't like your creepiness about trying to date me or thinking I'm something special, telling me how you would treat me better than my ex's (they all say that, ex's included!). I joke in college, about having so many guys, like I enjoy it and to some extent, I do like feeling attractive and wanted (who wouldn't?) but it's a pain keeping up with them all, trying to be friendly but show you're not interested and keep up with their messages and their life details! That's one thing I like about being in a relationship - less guys come after you! You wouldn't think it could get tiresome but when you deal with so many disrespectful, time wasters, you just don't want to bother with anyone. Even more so when yet another guy has treated me terribly, the last thing I want now is more guys, repeating the same bullshit my ex told me.

One guy in college, I'm speaking to and since he's plucked up the courage to speak to me (he's 23), he doesn't really leave me alone. The thing is, I don't see him in that way, he's admitted that he would like to date me. He's awkward to talk to, I didn't realise he had bad teeth (like black, not crooked) and a beer belly, as well as bad breathe, so it's not comfortable when he is around. I've got to spend 4 hours with him tomorrow. I'm hoping it's not atrocious but I'm just going to play it cool and disinterested. I hate doing that though, I feel so mean. I just don't know how to give him the hint. I'm really bad at replying to his texts and I thought that would be enough to deter him, but nope!

I have been speaking constantly to one guy though, for the past like 24 hours. He knows my ex and his friends unfortunately, but he hates my ex. I thought he added me to give me abuse or spy on me for my ex but it turns out it isn't the case and we've been sending each other massive messages continuously. We have a lot in common, he does seem really nice and we kind of hint about meeting up eventually. In some of his photos though, he looks really hot and in others, not so much but we'll see if I meet him. I look forward to his messages though so that's a good sign, that hasn't happened in a while so there must be something going on! He's not a disrespectful, time waster too. Things are looking up!



Writing

I've started to really enjoy writing for some reason. I never would describe myself as a writer or tell someone that writing is my hobby but I'm starting to think it is. I write so many articles on GaG, this is my second blog that I've managed to keep fairly up to date, I've written advice articles on other sites before, I've joined Wattpad now and in less than a week, I already have an idea for a short story, despite thinking that I would most likely never write something there and I used to write a lot about personal experiences on another website that I no longer frequent.

I guess I never want to say my hobby is writing because it's seen as an unsocial introverted thing to be into that often doesn't have a real benefit, apart from good feedback from people who won't think twice about it later, that's if they read it. Kickboxing has benefits such as; weight loss, toning, socialising, balance, co-ordination, progression, certificates etc. What does writing have?

I also don't want to say it because people will ask me what I write or they may request to read it and seeing as most of the things I write are written fairly anonymously, I don't want someone I know well in person to read it. However, I did tell someone, a guy who I only recently started talking to and I down played everything, but he said it was awesome and a unique thing to be interested in. I still want to keep it on the down low. My writing style isn't for everyone and people who know me would think it's totally unlike the character they know in person.

I will continue writing until that bores me or until I achieve success in it somehow.

Friday, 17 April 2015

#YOLO

That phrase quickly became the bane of everyone's life a couple of years ago and understandably so. It was used excessively by young teens who wanted a phrase that would cover their poor decisions. It was an excuse for them to do stupid things and it somehow was considered an acceptable excuse. I never used the term and never planned on doing so... until recently.

I find myself thinking about the phrase, but rarely saying it out loud. Despite its stigma, it's actually a good phrase to follow; "you only live once". A meme soon came out saying "you live every day, you die once" which is true but people always go in too much depth about such things. For all we know, this is our only life, the only one we will ever have so you should make the most of every day and every opportunity that arises. I find the saying is similar to the statement, "what's the worst that could happen?", which also spurs you on to go out of your comfort zone every now and then and do something potentially great. I think it's healthy to go out of your comfort zone occasionally and it can often come with great benefits.

There have been times where I've told myself "you only live once" and I go and do something that I wouldn't normally do, I take more chance and opportunities when I follow the term, broadening my experiences, opening new opportunities and bringing excitement to my fairly menial life. Sometimes things with social stigmas that are viewed bad, can occasionally be beneficial to others.
I recommend that others think about the term "you only live once" more often. If you're nervous about speaking to someone new, think of that and take advantage of the moment. If you're debating whether to go out or not, think of that term and decide whether you want to make memories that day or just enjoy a hot bath, depending on what you prefer and what you want from life. After all, it's your life, you can do what you want with it. I think it's a great term that I will probably use for the rest of my life in order to make the most of it.

Thursday, 16 April 2015

I'm not lucky to be skinny

People occasionally remark on my weight saying I'm very skinny though I'm actually a healthy 9st 8lb (137lbs for you Americans) at the moment, which isn't super skinny and it's not overweight/chubby either. I'm in the healthy BMI range and I'm fairly happy with my body and how much I weigh. However, it bothers me when people say I'm lucky to be "skinny". Yes, when I was younger, I had a fast metabolism, I was about 8 stone and I ate more than I do now. That was a bit of genetic luck but most people have super fast metabolisms when they're young. When I turned 16, my metabolism started slowing down and now things get stored as fat more than they're digested. I also have quite a lot of muscle which could be down to the fact that I have weak joints. My muscles have always had to work harder so they've grown and I ultimately burn more calories than someone with less muscles. Again, it's not luck, it's something out of my control and having weak joints (possibly EDS) isn't fun - dislocations, soreness, subluxations, aches, clicking and weakness is not fun.

I'm not constantly on a diet, I'm just conscious of what I eat. I have three, decent sized meals a day and they aren't ever a big plate of vegetables or salads, I never eat those. I even have fast food on a fairly regular basis. I eat what I like... but in moderation. I now rarely eat between meals, unless it's something small and fairly healthy like yoghurt or fruit. I've drastically cut down the amount of crisps I eat (I used to eat them every day, up to three packets!) which inevitably makes you stop craving them - it does happen! Crisps are my favourite thing to eat but we stopped buying them so they weren't there to snack on and I didn't like spending money on them in college so I stopped eating them. I rarely get the urge to eat a packet of crisps, even if they're in the house, but if I'm really craving a packet, I will have one. It's not going to make me gain 5 pounds, it's just one packet in a month or two, not several, which is where some people go wrong.
I've cut down the amount of sugar I have in my tea. It used to be two, then it went to two and a half and up to three. Sometimes the tea would be too sweet to drink! After learning about the negatives of having large amounts of sugar in your diet, I've adapted myself to two small, leveled out teaspoons of sugar. Those are the two main changes I've ever made to my diet and only because I was having too much of them. Crisps full of fat and sugar filled tea every single day are not healthy choices.

As I've got older, I've had less interest in chocolate and sweets. I often feel repelled by them and other days I crave them. I still haven't eaten my last Easter egg, but half of my Easter eggs and chocolate were shared out to my family! Even then, I can have a chunk of the chocolate and put it away for the next day, something my mother remarked on. She said she wished she had as much self control as I did and I think that's the main reason behind my weight. I don't know where my self control came from but I know when to stop doing something. Sometimes I'll be eating a whole packet of onion rings and after some time, my brain's telling me to stop and I ignore it sometimes. I usually listen to it which helps keep my calorie intake under 1500 a day, but even super fit people who go to the gym almost every day, have "cheat" days where they eat fattening food. It shouldn't ever be banned entirely, it'll make you grumpy!

Aside from this, I do exercise at least once a week, as well as walking around college each day and working weekends. I'm active almost every day. I did a cardio and tone full body work out yesterday which I'm really feeling today (ouch!), that makes you drip with sweat. That full body workout is simply a programme I recorded on the TV, for free. It takes half an hour but it works every muscle, tones them and helps you lose weight. I did it yesterday morning, before I went to college. I did yoga for the first time this evening, which surprisingly made my heart pump and get some sweat pumping. I'm going swimming tomorrow and working on Saturday. That's not an average week but it shows that I'm still fairly active each week, doing a range of activities. We now have an old exercise bike someone threw out, which I sometimes go on when I have the time and energy. Up until recently for about two years, I went kick boxing once or twice a week which can burn up to 800 calories in one hour. I know if I didn't do all this activity and I continued eating like I did in high school, I would be a lot heavier than I am.

A few weeks ago, I weighed about 10st (141lbs), the heaviest I've ever been, though I hadn't changed my diet or the level of exercise. After I was ill, I dropped to 9st 5lb (133lbs) within a couple days but I'm now back up to normal. Sometimes weight just fluctuates. A pound of muscle weighs the same (possibly more) than a pound of fat. If you've worked out a lot, you can gain weight through water retention and muscle building so you shouldn't always trust the weight that's shown on the scales.

You may always see skinny people eating a large fattening meal every lunch time but when they get home, they might be having fruit smoothies and doing intense workouts. Overweight people seem to think that skinny people who eat a lot (when they're around to see it, that is), eat that much all the time so they do it too, not realising that actually, you need to exercise in order to eat that much. A couple of my overweight friends say I (and a couple others) eat a lot but don't gain weight and that "it's unfair". In some cases it is a fast metabolism but I work out and don't eat every minute of the day, my other friend works out and the other eats very little. The way my overweight friends talk about food, it's obvious that it's a big part of their lives, when food never is for me. Some people have said that eating is the favourite part of the day which is probably when addictions start. To my knowledge, my overweight friends do not do any intense physical exercise each week, they eat a lot as well as having large portions so it's no surprise that they're overweight.

I'm always open minded towards overweight people. I don't immediately put it down to being lazy and eating too much but sometimes, that is just the case. When I'm in work, I have breakfast (cereal) before I go, then about 5 hours later, I'll have lunch (poached egg on toast), then I'll work until about 9pm and have a small tea. If I'm really tired, I'll bring a sandwich around with me to nibble on, to give me energy. My co-worker is severely overweight but again, I didn't judge. We went to a call and after the call, she got into her car and she immediately pulled out this massive share size bag of crisps and took a handful. It was clear that she was munching on these crisps in between calls, the whole packet was probably about 500 calories. Now I think, she'll probably go home and have a big tea and eat more junk food. It was obvious she wasn't very active and didn't have a good diet.

When you work out and want to bulk up, you're expected to eat about 3000 calories a day so if you see a skinny person eating a ton of garbage, consider the fact that they're probably trying to bulk up, meaning they're burning it off and turning it into muscle when you're not around to see. They're eating according to what their body needs (which everyone should do) in order to achieve the look they desire. I know that in an average college day, I mainly need breakfast to get my brain working and to prevent myself from hunger pangs and headaches. I don't need much energy so I'll usually have a small lunch, like crackers, a yoghurt and some fruit. It's all about asking yourself what your body will need that day and not exceeding that on a daily basis.

Anyway, what I'm trying to is say that people who are thin are usually thin because they work at it. Being thin isn't a physical thing, it's about your mentality to your food, temptation and moderation. You can lose weight but if you don't have the correct mentality towards those three things, you will most definitely gain the weight again. Don't tell skinny people or people you view as thin as lucky or that it's unfair that they get to be thin. Or even worse, don't tell thin people to eat more. That's like telling an overweight person to eat less, that would be considered an insult and fat shaming and believe it or not, saying it can make a thin person feel just as bad as an overweight person would. Thin people are usually a perfectly healthy weight, eating enough calories to keep them going and don't need your input!



Check out; Overweight People Are In Denial

Sunday, 12 April 2015

Popping pills

My mum noticed that I was becoming depressed, that I was giving up hope and had no direction in life so we made a plan. We went to the doctor and got me a sick note so I could have time off work which made my boss hate me more though I've never done anything wrong. Having that time off work did seem to help me a bit as I got used to my new medication and tried to get back on track.

I'm now on Citalopram, an anxiety and depression medication. I was diagnosed with anaemia a couple weeks after so I have iron tablets twice a day. I'm also on antibiotics. The amount of medication I'm on has suddenly got so much, I have a medicine bag and now a dosage box just to manage. I feel like my elderly patients! It's hard remembering when to take them, some can't be mixed but this dosage box and Cortana (phone's PA) helps me out.
I had a bone scan yesterday too, they injected me with a radioactive substance and I couldn't be in contact with pregnant women and children for a day. I wanted to gain superpowers and enjoy a care free life... a girl can dream. I was a bit anxious because the last time I went to the hospital, I had a bit of a panic attack when I've never had a problem with hospitals before (that shows how bad my anxiety was getting!). Thankfully, the radiographer was really happy, cheerful and funny. He made me feel at ease and he actually brightened my whole day. It's amazing what other's good moods can do to you.

The Citalopram makes me drowsy so I take them at night. The side effects weren't too bad because they're a very low dose. After a few days, I felt more focused and so much more relaxed. I've never felt so relaxed in my life. I quickly realised how they could become addictive, it was what I imagine a high would be. Despite being a low dose, if I was late taking them, I would almost instantly spiral downhill, becoming extremely emotional, depressed, crying, suicidal and unmotivated. When that happens though, you realise you're taking them for a reason. When you have depression, you constantly think it's just you being weak and pathetic, that you're being an attention seeker because that's what society tells you so when you have panic attacks or have a huge wave of emotion like that when you're a few hours late taking your medication, it shows you that what you're experiencing is real and you haven't got much control over it. Though it's still not great that you're off your face on medication all the time just to function like other people do. I wish I could function normally and happily like I used to. I'm just not the same person any more.

In the past few days, my depression has started to creep back - no motivation, suicidal thoughts, constant low mood/sadness - so I'm wondering if I need a higher dose. I'm worried for the day I gradually come off these pills, I don't know if I'll cope or if I'll be hit with a wave of depression so hard, that I do something stupid. Let's hope not.


Wednesday, 8 April 2015

To you

"I've never done this for anyone before but I want to be honest with you. You were my other half, you made me complete despite me feeling like I was already complete. You made me feel more than complete. I found you when I was at my lowest, I started kick boxing after the abusive relationship and your smile lit the way to a happier life and I found that with you. I was wilted but your light brought me back and made me blossom. You showed me what love was and how I deserved to be treated, for a long time anyway. I never thought I could ever find someone as perfect as you and you were seriously the man of my dreams, yet I somehow got you and you unexpectedly fell in love. We fitted together like a puzzle. I felt invincible next to you, I never had panic attacks or anxiety when I was with you. We were beneficial to each other, like a little team. I showed you things and helped you become a better person and you did the same for me. You always showed me respect and we rarely argued. You were my bridge that kept me up, positive and happy so when you started becoming low and eventually left, I crumbled. I became delirious with pain, I acted completely out of character.
Meeting you the other day showed you weren't yourself any more and that upset me. I feel like I'm the one who brought you down when I should've lifted you up. You used to be so positive and ambitious, but I'd always try to ground you, show you the realistic side of things, that maybe brought you down. When I met up with you, I wanted for you to grab me from behind, give me a squeeze and tell me you loved me in my ear. I wished all of this was just a bad dream and that you were still there for me. I regularly looked online on ways to get you back, I've never done that before and it all started after I had an overwhelming feeling one night that you were the one, that I couldn't let you leave when you were my other half. But to have you treat me so badly after everything made it all more painful than it should've been. I used to wish that you would contact me saying you regretted it, that you wanted me back or at least wanted to talk to me again but that never happened so I eventually had to accept my fate of losing you. Now I've calmed down, I have to begin searching again but how can you start looking for a new partner, when you already found the one? That's what we both must do now.
I hope that I'll always be in your heart, that I'll always be that special someone to you, even years down the line. I hope that we can be on good terms again in the future or that you feel as strongly for me as I do for you, but for now I must live my life without you in it. I hope you go back to the happy, positive person I used to know, whose smile and laugh would light up anyone's day. That's what I want for you the most."



The letter I intend to send to my ex in the future, when I'm ready.

Saturday, 21 March 2015

Ex-soulmate

I met my ex yesterday and it was a bit awkward at first but we soon got a bit more comfortable talking about things. I would say things like "this would've been our third summer" and he'd say "don't remind me, I don't want to think about that". He later said "I'm your worst ex now" and I spoke about how I left my ex's but I found my "third time lucky, my soul mate and then he ran away". He said he didn't run away but I know "how to make someone feel bad" so he clearly has some feelings. I would occasionally refer back to things like that and he really didn't like it, showing that it bothered him. We bumped into my mum and he said how that was the most awkward situation he's ever been in.

After being to the shop and doctors, I asked what he wanted to do and he said we could go back to his and take the dog for a walk, whilst leaving my stuff at his which I didn't expect. When we were leaving his house, he walked behind me and I had this feeling like he would grab me from behind like he used to and give me a kiss, it really hurt when I remembered that we're not like that any more. As I was walking, I thought about how I hated not being a part of his life any more. I always knew what was going on and I was there to support him. I was the first to know if something was bothering him or what was going on in his life, but now I no longer was that.

We walked the dog like we always did, in the same places so it was a bit nostalgic but I wanted him to remember those good times. We walked back to his fairly soon after leaving because he had to pack because he was going to Manchester for a course over the weekend. We got to his, he let the dog in and I thought he was going to shut the door so we could talk but he gave me my things, then lingered by the door. He asked me if I wanted a hug and originally, I was thinking that I wouldn't hug him because it just wouldn't help me but I asked him if he wanted one and he smiled as he went to give me one. At first, it was a bit of a mess, I was holding my stuff and didn't know where to put my arms and I giggled. I expected it to be a brief one but he held onto me tight for a good 30 seconds or so. I loosened my grip a bit to make it appear that I was about to let go but he didn't flinch and kept hold of me. At one point, he moved his face into me a bit.

I left and went on my way home. I checked my phone when I got back and he'd already text me, like a minute after I left saying it was nice seeing me in person (that was the second time he said it) and I said it was nice seeing him too. He said he didn't think he was much company and I said "neither was I, I wasn't expecting much though". He said "I guess, well have a good day". I said I would, then realised I smelt like him so I text him that I smelt like him with an annoyed smiley face. He laughed and said he probably shouldn't have hugged me then. I said "Nah you seemed to enjoy it though" and he said he did enjoy the hug. He text me again before I replied saying "You smelt nice mind" and I said so did he but I didn't want to smell like him! Then he told me to enjoy the rest of the day and I didn't respond, we haven't spoken since then but I have a feeling he'll text me eventually.

The meet up made me feel a bit better, it made me realise that he does have feelings and he's missing me just as much, but also upset me because I couldn't cuddle/kiss him or be his girlfriend and I could feel the love between us. I hope he realises what he's missing over this weekend, I hope he thinks about it a lot and thinks about what he's doing. I hope he felt a strong pull to just whisk me up or cuddle me like he used to when we met up. I've never felt so strongly about someone and I certainly have never felt like a break-up was the wrong thing to do. I always tell people to never get back with their ex's but look at me now! To be fair though, our break up was mainly over boredom, wrong age and time getting together, all of which could be solved in time. I was a happier, better person when I was with him, now I feel like a huge chunk of me has gone missing. I wish I could just hold him one more time, as the perfect couple we were.



Extra: He followed me again on Instagram... at 2:40am this morning!

Tuesday, 3 March 2015

He's breaking

My ex is crumbling at the seams. His mask is coming away and I'm seeing his games.
I've been trying not to message him lately but now it seems it's always him to message me first whereas it used to be the other way around. For the past week or so, he's been trying to rub things in my face and at one point when he felt like being kind, he admitted that that was what he was doing and apologised for it, but he's still doing it! He also apologised for treating me so unfairly, but obviously that wasn't a true apology because he's still doing it.

After telling him to leave me alone the other day, he text me randomly, telling me about how he drove a BMW and I was a bit confused but I went along with it and the conversation soon ended.

About a week ago, I told him I kissed a guy (during conversation, not randomly informing him) and he was like "good for you" which kind of bothered me because it made me feel like he didn't care but some time after, every time we spoke, he brought it up so I knew it was bothering him. Now I'm turning the game around on him; I don't act hurt/upset about him kissing or sleeping with someone else and I think it's bothering him. He often encourages me to go out with guys and get sex, saying he's happy for me if I have, but I think deep down, he doesn't want me to, he's just trying ridiculously hard to make me think he doesn't care but his desperation for me to see this, has done the opposite.

I messaged him a sex picture (I shouldn't have) I found which reminded me of us, probably because I had a sexual dream about him the night before and I wanted him to know. He immediately asked if I was horny and asked about my dream. He said boys will love how sexual I am. I said he won't be getting much so I thought I'd send him some but he said he had been getting some, he just didn't want to tell me (he said that before about kissing someone - of course he wants me to know). Anyway, I didn't respond like I normally would, I simply asked if he was happier now he had extra vagina but he kept saying "not discussing my sex life with you, I'm not asking if you've had sex, why do I have to tell you about my sex life?" despite never asking about that. I reiterated my question; "Do you think your decision of leaving me was worth it for the occasional hook up?" but he avoided the question a couple times which makes me think he feels he's not made the right decision. He asked why I wanted to know, then said he was enjoying himself. He never once gave me a direct answer of yes or no, but he said at the moment, he's happy and that he'll settle down in the future. I said he wouldn't settle down with me and that I hope this was all worth it and he responded with "I still have feelings for you". So does that mean that he does want to settle down with me in the future? Does he honestly think I'll wait around for him?

He then said enjoy the hot boys and randomly said he's going to Bristol this weekend. He said he'd be enjoying the English and I replied with okay. He said we're both enjoying ourselves so it's fine then randomly said he drove that BMW again. I responded with I don't really care after half an hour and he kicked off! He asked why I was messaging him, despite us talking just minutes before, telling me to leave him alone, to stop messaging him and then asked "what makes you come to me?" which I ignored, partially because I didn't understand what he meant. How can he go from a decent conversation to full on angry and telling me to stop messaging him?! He's mad.

I was posting quotes on Instagram this morning... because I can. I then received an aggressive message from him saying "what's with you and all these bloody quotes jheez!" and I replied with "don't follow me then". He said "You just can't keep it to yourself can you?" and I replied with a thumbs up and he said I was childish, although he was the one who kicked off about me posting things on Instagram.

He messaged me again just now saying "enjoy your rant hun" and I asked what he was on about and he said that ranting about him is all I'm doing apparently. Yeah, maybe on here (he doesn't know about this place) but I've not ranted to anyone. I said I wasn't and that not everything's about him, to stop acting like he doesn't care when it's obvious, then he said "it makes me laugh how childish you are". How is that childish?! Someone tell me!
I said he's the one kicking off about what I post on Instagram and that his mask giving out the impression that he's happier and having the time of his life is slipping off. He said "tell you what, don't speak to me again. I want nothing to do with you now. Bye". I told him about the fact that all the time I've messaged him recently, it's in response to him! I said that he's crumbling and the sex must've been pretty shit (that is if he's even had sex). Does he think I want anything to do with him now he's become the neighbourhood whore?

My ex does seem all over the place right now. One moment he's nice to me, next he hates me and wants nothing to do with me and next he's contacting me to rub something in my face which all makes it seem he's having a hard time and I believe he realises he made the wrong decision in losing me. I think he's realised that I'm not as into him any more, I've given up trying and don't react emotionally to the things he sends me. I'm not trying to get him back any more, I'm moving on and he's not liking it. I don't know why men find it so hard to be honest, face their feelings, tell us and then deal with it. My ex is trying to ignore his feelings, hide them to protect his pride and ego, whilst trying so hard to make out he doesn't care and he's happier. To me, that takes a lot more effort to do rather than just saying "I still love you, I miss you, I wish you were still in my life, I'm finding it hard, I'm not as happy as I make out, but I know we can't be together at this point in time". Not only do we come to the same level of understanding, he shows more maturity. Either way, I think for him, I'll always be the one that got away, the one who will always have his heart.


This image couldn't be more correct;




Thursday, 26 February 2015

Don't Self Harm

I've learnt first hand why self harming is never a good idea... my cuts are scarring. The first time I cut, they healed really fast, but this time, I went deeper. I didn't draw blood but I scraped the top layer of skin off, to the point that my skin was falling onto my leggings. I've never been one to cut but after already falling into the trap named depression, the break up made me spiral out of control and suicide was on the cards for at least a week - the lowest I've ever been. It wasn't just about the loss of my other half, I became to feel like I was a failure, that I wasn't good enough for him because he wanted to be single. I never understood self harming until I had the urge to do it. It wasn't really about the emotional release (though it kind of helped), it was about punishing myself. I've come to resent myself for how I've turned out. I feel like I'm going insane and that it's pushing people away, yet there's nothing I can do about it, I can never explain it to doctors. I get anxiety now about going to the doctors because I feel like they're rushing me and that I'm wasting their time. I tried anxiety medication and that turned out terribly, I almost passed out. I feel unable to cope with life any more and despite feeling like I'm a strong person, I'm very sensitive.

Now my fairly mild cuts are scarring, I will have to wake up every day, see them and remember that really bad time in my life. It'll remind me of the time that I was weak and let a guy get to me. Over the past few weeks, despite cutting in a discreet area, I've been very conscious about it and I believe a couple people have spotted them. I've been so worried about my mum seeing because she'd be so upset and disappointed in me. It's just a constant reminder of what I'm going through.

Whilst I was cutting, I felt even more insane. I felt like I should be thrown in a mental asylum so I guess it didn't help my mental state. I'm starting to feel slightly better, like I'm gaining more control of life again, though that may not last for long. I worry that if I go down this spiral again, I will end up in hospital. It seems to get worse each time, including anxiety.

I went to a funeral today and thought I was going to puke and pass out, for no reason at all. I was shaking, my legs felt weak and my palms were sweating, I thought I would have to leave. I believe I was scared about showing emotion (I'm not good at that sort of thing) and also being high up, in full view of hundreds of people made me anxious. There were also people there who I'd fallen out with and I felt they were judging me really bad for being there. Now I wonder if I have social anxiety, my dad has it so it's not completely out of the blue.

Just like suicide, you shouldn't do something permanent based on temporary feelings. I understand you have tunnel vision when you're feeling so low but seriously remind yourself of the consequences. Do you want scars on your body that you'll have to hide forever? When you're an old person, will you look at them and think "what was I thinking?". Do you want people to question them all the time? Do you want to be reminded of that really hard time in your life? I made that mistake and I don't want you to make the same one. Some mistakes you should never have to experience to learn from.

Monday, 23 February 2015

Break Up - Update

I've been feeling less emotional pain over this break up, though I still feel like a piece of me is missing. It's been getting easier due to the openness of my ex boyfriend. Soon after the break up, he shut me off, ignored me, was out on the town, made out he was having fun without me etc. Typical. He eventually started breaking down, he admitted that it was his way of coping and that he's really hurt and that he still has feelings for me but he wants to be single. A couple of times, he told me he loved me and I said it back.

Now, he's being a lot nicer. He messaged me at 1am saying this was fucking with his mind, he couldn't cope and he didn't what to do any more. He said he wanted to be with me but something is pulling him back. He eventually admitted that he wasn't ready for commitment, despite telling me constantly for the past two years that I was the one and that he wanted to move out with me. He's been texting me saying things like, "this is hurting me" or "I'm sorry. :( Your letter (my love letter) breaks me". He's finally accepting the pain and realising that life isn't so easy without me now. He says he's torn; should he get back with me or stay single? The single life is winning and I have encouraged us both to remain that way for some time. He needs to mature, learn, grow and find his identity, whilst I need alone time because I haven't been single for many years. He's stuck between being with his soul mate now or potentially losing her forever to have time alone because he's too young and not ready for commitment (probably from his friend's influence). I'd like to think that I'll be there at the end of the tunnel, but I can't be waiting around for him, whilst he sews his oats and goes mad being single. I will have to move on eventually and that thought hurts me. Again, I'd like to think that even if I do move on, we could get that spark back, rekindle our relationship and feel that love again for each other. It's not impossible, right?

I'm glad he's apologised about how he's been treating me, I'm glad he can see what he did to me and he admitted to rubbing things in my face. I apologised too for shouting at him down the phone - not cool! He does seem upset and I'm glad but not in a nasty way. I've been going through hell and have been an absolute mess, yet I felt like he didn't feel the same and that made the pain so much worse. Now I can see he does care, that he is heartbroken and that he does love me.

Right now, I'm trying to get my mind together because I've had a few ugly break downs, self harm and suicidal thoughts included, in the past week alone. I like to think it's not because of this break up, this break up was just a trigger for all of this to come out and now I realise what an absolute mess I am. Anyway, I hope I get through this messy stage of my life and I hope to never get any lower than I feel now, otherwise these blog posts would be discontinued, forever.


An answer to a GAG question.

I'm on top form mentally for once tonight and was fairly astonished with what spewed out on this question so I felt like sharing it.

""Is it immoral to create new humans when the fact is they cannot consent to it?" This is the perfect example of humans developing way too much emotional intelligence for our own good. We needed to reproduce to survive and continue. If we somehow had a conscience before being born (impossible), I think most people would opt to be born, that is if they weren't shown their future/the pain of life.

I have no idea why you brought rape into this or why you thought it would be a suitable term to explain your concept. It's more like against human rights due to not having consent. One of the human rights is freedom to live/life so technically, it isn't against human rights to refuse not to live if it's your own choice.

My mum once said that it's actually quite selfish to bring a child into this world because you're doing it for your want and desire to have children, not thinking about the child's wants but again, it's just an example of our intense emotional intelligence. We only wish we weren't born due to hardships in life/depression. Something you do not know the existence of before birth, alongside the absence of a conscience or even a brain for that matter.
It's just nature doing it's thing but I guess it went a bit too far in terms of our emotional intelligence.

No-one asks to be born. I personally, often wish I wasn't born. But if I suddenly had the clarity and knowledge I do now, to choose whether to live or go back to complete non-existence, life would be enticing. You'd suddenly want to experience something other than nothing.

Who's to say we didn't choose to live or die, we just don't remember it and that stillborns/miscarriages are the ones who chose not to live?
Anyway, that's another paradoxical concept that is completely illogical. "

It gives you something to think about, aye.

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

A Break Up Right Before Valentines Day

I'm going through a rough time right now. As you can probably tell, my boyfriend and I have broken up. I guess I should've seen this coming and I kind of did but I always felt it wouldn't ever come to this and I never wanted it too. He showed some of his true colours during the break up. He showed his selfishness and that he obviously didn't think highly enough of me and our relationship to make us work.
If you'd caused your relationship with your soul mate to deteriorate and you go on a break but your soul mate is willing and trying incredibly hard to make things work, you would do anything to keep your relationship. That's not what my (ex) boyfriend did, despite many people telling him that he's losing someone great.

He gave up pretty much the day we went on a break, claimed he'd distanced himself from me, that I deserved better, that he couldn't deal with how he hurt me and couldn't move on from the fact I'd not shown him love for three months. I told him to ignore the past and the break was a way to start afresh. I'd changed my outlook on the relationship and my perspective of him but suddenly, he couldn't let go of these three months which he never spoke to me about when we were together, ignoring my determination to change too! So this is where I get the impression it was just an excuse because deep down, he wants to experience the night life as a single man.

In the last 6 months of our relationship, he started spending more time with his friends and when he turned 18, clubbing became more and more part of his life. He'd told me before that it would be nice to go out clubbing single to see who you could pull and if I spoke about playing a game together when out clubbing of who can get the most numbers, he was always for it. He also gave the impression that a one night stand would be something he's interested in. I'm the only girl he's slept with too so he's obviously feeling like he's missing out on all the fresh vagina that's so widely available now.

What was supposed to be a mutual agreement (though I would've preferred actually trying), turned out to be him refusing me and turning down any chance of our relationship. I felt betrayed and lied too. He's been dumped by every girl he's been with so it also feels like he was trying to avoid me doing it. He's completely messed up. Nothing he said made sense and it sounded more like excuses than trying. I would say that he's given up but he'd say he hadn't!

Anyway, I hope this is the right thing to do. I intend to move on now. I survived the other two horrific relationship endings, I can survive this one.



Saturday, 10 January 2015

Overweight people are in denial

My mother and I have been trying to get fitter and in the process, we've watched a lot of food and fitness programmes and I've learnt a hell of a lot. I've always been open minded to why someone is overweight, putting it down to a health condition but I only know of one health condition which makes it difficult (not impossible) to lose weight. However, I've learnt there's more than they give out.

I watched a programme which looked into metabolism and a woman who was overweight was part of the study. The presenter asked her how fast she thought her metabolism was and she said it's really slow because she keeps gaining weight. The results of the study concluded with evidence that overweight people have faster metabolisms whilst thinner people had slower ones which makes sense if you think about it. The presenter asked the scientist why she was overweight and he basically said "she eats too many calories a day". No shit. Yet, this woman believed she was overweight because her metabolism was too slow, blaming something out of her control, that wasn't the cause to begin with. Deep down, she knew she eats too much but would rather deny it and blame it on anything but herself. Doing that just prolongs the process of getting healthy and thinner.

I know some people are naive and think that 3000 of bad calories a day with no exercise is normal, healthy and perfectly fine but it's unwise to not actually look into how to look after your body. Studying microbiology and biochemistry opens your eyes to how many vitamins and minerals your body actually needs to complete the most basic of things, like cell respiration (that thing that keeps you alive!) requires phosphorous.

I also watched the Katie Hopkins programme and she spoke to a group of overweight women who started getting into a hissy fit and even called the police for "hate crime" despite her not saying one thing offensive to them. Instead of accepting they had an eating problem, they were quick to say how hard life was for them, it wasn't easy to lose weight and that she didn't understand. It honestly isn't that hard to monitor what you eat and that doesn't mean counting every calorie. Despite that, I know those women would be quick to judge me for being a healthy weight, believing I'm anorexic. I've had people tell me to eat more and to get meat on my bones which made me uncomfortable despite knowing I'm a healthy weight with a lot of muscle mass, so what's the difference in telling someone to eat less? That's a hate crime but telling someone to eat more isn't? It's not a hate crime to consider someone's health.

I have an overweight friend who says to us that we "must have a fast metabolism" and we "eat so much but never put anything on", like we were born lucky but we're just knowledgeable of food. We eat anything, but in moderation and I exercise. I can tell by how he talks about food, that he's addicted and has it a lot more than the average but he won't admit it. He jokes about eating whole packets of biscuits but no-one can relate because no-one has ever done that. It may seem like we eat a lot but that could be all we eat for the rest of the day whilst he could go home and eat a lot of food.

In other programmes, overweight people were quick to blame anything other than themselves or they deluded themselves into thinking they were healthy. It isn't healthy being 20 stone or being in the overweight range. Our bodies aren't built for that. Obesity is a modern problem, ever since food became so easily available so it's evidently people's poor choices, not their "slow metabolism" or "underactive thyroid". People even blame other things other than themselves when it comes to their pet being obese and it's concerning to see how shocked they are when they find out that chocolate biscuits aren't dog food. How can you own an animal and be so uneducated about them? It's ridiculous.

Obesity definitely is down to poor habits and life choices that causes people to become overweight and the only thing to blame is themselves. Once they accept that, they can take steps to a healthier life.

Friday, 9 January 2015

Happy

I always have the feeling I'm not good enough, as in people I call my friends don't think highly enough of me to think about me often or genuinely enjoy being in my company. I made a post a couple of months ago about finally finding good friends, but this feeling I can't shake off and actually was on my mind today until something happened!

One of my good friends (let's call him E) and I went to a class and we were waiting for the teacher to mark his work. He was about to tell me something but said he didn't want to. Eventually, I got it out of him and he basically told me about an incident and about a girl he likes. We then got onto opening up about our past because we're very closed people and he doesn't feel comfortable opening up, neither am I. We did talk about some things but I got remarkably uncomfortable, emotional and anxious just from the pressure of him wanting me to share areas of my life/past! It didn't turn out too bad but in the end, I felt closer to him.

At lunch, we were talking about staying in touch after college because we only have six months left. E said he wanted to keep in touch but he looked at me and said "I'm definitely staying in touch with you". I feel so close to him, love him for who he is and feel we have a really good friendship and want to keep in touch after college, so to see him feel the same way I do was really lovely. I said I feel we'll all be friends till the day we die. After E jokingly saying we should all wear pink (later changed to orange seeing as it's his favourite colour) to his funeral, we then made a pact of what colour to wear to each other's funeral, seeing as we plan to be friends forever, then said we'd go to everyone's weddings. E said I could be one of his best "men" too which I thought was a fun idea!

To have that moment of opening up and then for him to be so keen and adamant about staying in touch with me made me feel a warmness inside I've never felt before. True friendship is a beautiful thing - it's only taken me 20 years to find!