Thursday, 26 February 2015

Don't Self Harm

I've learnt first hand why self harming is never a good idea... my cuts are scarring. The first time I cut, they healed really fast, but this time, I went deeper. I didn't draw blood but I scraped the top layer of skin off, to the point that my skin was falling onto my leggings. I've never been one to cut but after already falling into the trap named depression, the break up made me spiral out of control and suicide was on the cards for at least a week - the lowest I've ever been. It wasn't just about the loss of my other half, I became to feel like I was a failure, that I wasn't good enough for him because he wanted to be single. I never understood self harming until I had the urge to do it. It wasn't really about the emotional release (though it kind of helped), it was about punishing myself. I've come to resent myself for how I've turned out. I feel like I'm going insane and that it's pushing people away, yet there's nothing I can do about it, I can never explain it to doctors. I get anxiety now about going to the doctors because I feel like they're rushing me and that I'm wasting their time. I tried anxiety medication and that turned out terribly, I almost passed out. I feel unable to cope with life any more and despite feeling like I'm a strong person, I'm very sensitive.

Now my fairly mild cuts are scarring, I will have to wake up every day, see them and remember that really bad time in my life. It'll remind me of the time that I was weak and let a guy get to me. Over the past few weeks, despite cutting in a discreet area, I've been very conscious about it and I believe a couple people have spotted them. I've been so worried about my mum seeing because she'd be so upset and disappointed in me. It's just a constant reminder of what I'm going through.

Whilst I was cutting, I felt even more insane. I felt like I should be thrown in a mental asylum so I guess it didn't help my mental state. I'm starting to feel slightly better, like I'm gaining more control of life again, though that may not last for long. I worry that if I go down this spiral again, I will end up in hospital. It seems to get worse each time, including anxiety.

I went to a funeral today and thought I was going to puke and pass out, for no reason at all. I was shaking, my legs felt weak and my palms were sweating, I thought I would have to leave. I believe I was scared about showing emotion (I'm not good at that sort of thing) and also being high up, in full view of hundreds of people made me anxious. There were also people there who I'd fallen out with and I felt they were judging me really bad for being there. Now I wonder if I have social anxiety, my dad has it so it's not completely out of the blue.

Just like suicide, you shouldn't do something permanent based on temporary feelings. I understand you have tunnel vision when you're feeling so low but seriously remind yourself of the consequences. Do you want scars on your body that you'll have to hide forever? When you're an old person, will you look at them and think "what was I thinking?". Do you want people to question them all the time? Do you want to be reminded of that really hard time in your life? I made that mistake and I don't want you to make the same one. Some mistakes you should never have to experience to learn from.

Monday, 23 February 2015

Break Up - Update

I've been feeling less emotional pain over this break up, though I still feel like a piece of me is missing. It's been getting easier due to the openness of my ex boyfriend. Soon after the break up, he shut me off, ignored me, was out on the town, made out he was having fun without me etc. Typical. He eventually started breaking down, he admitted that it was his way of coping and that he's really hurt and that he still has feelings for me but he wants to be single. A couple of times, he told me he loved me and I said it back.

Now, he's being a lot nicer. He messaged me at 1am saying this was fucking with his mind, he couldn't cope and he didn't what to do any more. He said he wanted to be with me but something is pulling him back. He eventually admitted that he wasn't ready for commitment, despite telling me constantly for the past two years that I was the one and that he wanted to move out with me. He's been texting me saying things like, "this is hurting me" or "I'm sorry. :( Your letter (my love letter) breaks me". He's finally accepting the pain and realising that life isn't so easy without me now. He says he's torn; should he get back with me or stay single? The single life is winning and I have encouraged us both to remain that way for some time. He needs to mature, learn, grow and find his identity, whilst I need alone time because I haven't been single for many years. He's stuck between being with his soul mate now or potentially losing her forever to have time alone because he's too young and not ready for commitment (probably from his friend's influence). I'd like to think that I'll be there at the end of the tunnel, but I can't be waiting around for him, whilst he sews his oats and goes mad being single. I will have to move on eventually and that thought hurts me. Again, I'd like to think that even if I do move on, we could get that spark back, rekindle our relationship and feel that love again for each other. It's not impossible, right?

I'm glad he's apologised about how he's been treating me, I'm glad he can see what he did to me and he admitted to rubbing things in my face. I apologised too for shouting at him down the phone - not cool! He does seem upset and I'm glad but not in a nasty way. I've been going through hell and have been an absolute mess, yet I felt like he didn't feel the same and that made the pain so much worse. Now I can see he does care, that he is heartbroken and that he does love me.

Right now, I'm trying to get my mind together because I've had a few ugly break downs, self harm and suicidal thoughts included, in the past week alone. I like to think it's not because of this break up, this break up was just a trigger for all of this to come out and now I realise what an absolute mess I am. Anyway, I hope I get through this messy stage of my life and I hope to never get any lower than I feel now, otherwise these blog posts would be discontinued, forever.

An answer to a GAG question.

I'm on top form mentally for once tonight and was fairly astonished with what spewed out on this question so I felt like sharing it.

""Is it immoral to create new humans when the fact is they cannot consent to it?" This is the perfect example of humans developing way too much emotional intelligence for our own good. We needed to reproduce to survive and continue. If we somehow had a conscience before being born (impossible), I think most people would opt to be born, that is if they weren't shown their future/the pain of life.

I have no idea why you brought rape into this or why you thought it would be a suitable term to explain your concept. It's more like against human rights due to not having consent. One of the human rights is freedom to live/life so technically, it isn't against human rights to refuse not to live if it's your own choice.

My mum once said that it's actually quite selfish to bring a child into this world because you're doing it for your want and desire to have children, not thinking about the child's wants but again, it's just an example of our intense emotional intelligence. We only wish we weren't born due to hardships in life/depression. Something you do not know the existence of before birth, alongside the absence of a conscience or even a brain for that matter.
It's just nature doing it's thing but I guess it went a bit too far in terms of our emotional intelligence.

No-one asks to be born. I personally, often wish I wasn't born. But if I suddenly had the clarity and knowledge I do now, to choose whether to live or go back to complete non-existence, life would be enticing. You'd suddenly want to experience something other than nothing.

Who's to say we didn't choose to live or die, we just don't remember it and that stillborns/miscarriages are the ones who chose not to live?
Anyway, that's another paradoxical concept that is completely illogical. "

It gives you something to think about, aye.

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

A Break Up Right Before Valentines Day

I'm going through a rough time right now. As you can probably tell, my boyfriend and I have broken up. I guess I should've seen this coming and I kind of did but I always felt it wouldn't ever come to this and I never wanted it too. He showed some of his true colours during the break up. He showed his selfishness and that he obviously didn't think highly enough of me and our relationship to make us work.
If you'd caused your relationship with your soul mate to deteriorate and you go on a break but your soul mate is willing and trying incredibly hard to make things work, you would do anything to keep your relationship. That's not what my (ex) boyfriend did, despite many people telling him that he's losing someone great.

He gave up pretty much the day we went on a break, claimed he'd distanced himself from me, that I deserved better, that he couldn't deal with how he hurt me and couldn't move on from the fact I'd not shown him love for three months. I told him to ignore the past and the break was a way to start afresh. I'd changed my outlook on the relationship and my perspective of him but suddenly, he couldn't let go of these three months which he never spoke to me about when we were together, ignoring my determination to change too! So this is where I get the impression it was just an excuse because deep down, he wants to experience the night life as a single man.

In the last 6 months of our relationship, he started spending more time with his friends and when he turned 18, clubbing became more and more part of his life. He'd told me before that it would be nice to go out clubbing single to see who you could pull and if I spoke about playing a game together when out clubbing of who can get the most numbers, he was always for it. He also gave the impression that a one night stand would be something he's interested in. I'm the only girl he's slept with too so he's obviously feeling like he's missing out on all the fresh vagina that's so widely available now.

What was supposed to be a mutual agreement (though I would've preferred actually trying), turned out to be him refusing me and turning down any chance of our relationship. I felt betrayed and lied too. He's been dumped by every girl he's been with so it also feels like he was trying to avoid me doing it. He's completely messed up. Nothing he said made sense and it sounded more like excuses than trying. I would say that he's given up but he'd say he hadn't!

Anyway, I hope this is the right thing to do. I intend to move on now. I survived the other two horrific relationship endings, I can survive this one.