Saturday, 21 March 2015

Ex-soulmate

I met my ex yesterday and it was a bit awkward at first but we soon got a bit more comfortable talking about things. I would say things like "this would've been our third summer" and he'd say "don't remind me, I don't want to think about that". He later said "I'm your worst ex now" and I spoke about how I left my ex's but I found my "third time lucky, my soul mate and then he ran away". He said he didn't run away but I know "how to make someone feel bad" so he clearly has some feelings. I would occasionally refer back to things like that and he really didn't like it, showing that it bothered him. We bumped into my mum and he said how that was the most awkward situation he's ever been in.

After being to the shop and doctors, I asked what he wanted to do and he said we could go back to his and take the dog for a walk, whilst leaving my stuff at his which I didn't expect. When we were leaving his house, he walked behind me and I had this feeling like he would grab me from behind like he used to and give me a kiss, it really hurt when I remembered that we're not like that any more. As I was walking, I thought about how I hated not being a part of his life any more. I always knew what was going on and I was there to support him. I was the first to know if something was bothering him or what was going on in his life, but now I no longer was that.

We walked the dog like we always did, in the same places so it was a bit nostalgic but I wanted him to remember those good times. We walked back to his fairly soon after leaving because he had to pack because he was going to Manchester for a course over the weekend. We got to his, he let the dog in and I thought he was going to shut the door so we could talk but he gave me my things, then lingered by the door. He asked me if I wanted a hug and originally, I was thinking that I wouldn't hug him because it just wouldn't help me but I asked him if he wanted one and he smiled as he went to give me one. At first, it was a bit of a mess, I was holding my stuff and didn't know where to put my arms and I giggled. I expected it to be a brief one but he held onto me tight for a good 30 seconds or so. I loosened my grip a bit to make it appear that I was about to let go but he didn't flinch and kept hold of me. At one point, he moved his face into me a bit.

I left and went on my way home. I checked my phone when I got back and he'd already text me, like a minute after I left saying it was nice seeing me in person (that was the second time he said it) and I said it was nice seeing him too. He said he didn't think he was much company and I said "neither was I, I wasn't expecting much though". He said "I guess, well have a good day". I said I would, then realised I smelt like him so I text him that I smelt like him with an annoyed smiley face. He laughed and said he probably shouldn't have hugged me then. I said "Nah you seemed to enjoy it though" and he said he did enjoy the hug. He text me again before I replied saying "You smelt nice mind" and I said so did he but I didn't want to smell like him! Then he told me to enjoy the rest of the day and I didn't respond, we haven't spoken since then but I have a feeling he'll text me eventually.

The meet up made me feel a bit better, it made me realise that he does have feelings and he's missing me just as much, but also upset me because I couldn't cuddle/kiss him or be his girlfriend and I could feel the love between us. I hope he realises what he's missing over this weekend, I hope he thinks about it a lot and thinks about what he's doing. I hope he felt a strong pull to just whisk me up or cuddle me like he used to when we met up. I've never felt so strongly about someone and I certainly have never felt like a break-up was the wrong thing to do. I always tell people to never get back with their ex's but look at me now! To be fair though, our break up was mainly over boredom, wrong age and time getting together, all of which could be solved in time. I was a happier, better person when I was with him, now I feel like a huge chunk of me has gone missing. I wish I could just hold him one more time, as the perfect couple we were.



Extra: He followed me again on Instagram... at 2:40am this morning!

Tuesday, 3 March 2015

He's breaking

My ex is crumbling at the seams. His mask is coming away and I'm seeing his games.
I've been trying not to message him lately but now it seems it's always him to message me first whereas it used to be the other way around. For the past week or so, he's been trying to rub things in my face and at one point when he felt like being kind, he admitted that that was what he was doing and apologised for it, but he's still doing it! He also apologised for treating me so unfairly, but obviously that wasn't a true apology because he's still doing it.

After telling him to leave me alone the other day, he text me randomly, telling me about how he drove a BMW and I was a bit confused but I went along with it and the conversation soon ended.

About a week ago, I told him I kissed a guy (during conversation, not randomly informing him) and he was like "good for you" which kind of bothered me because it made me feel like he didn't care but some time after, every time we spoke, he brought it up so I knew it was bothering him. Now I'm turning the game around on him; I don't act hurt/upset about him kissing or sleeping with someone else and I think it's bothering him. He often encourages me to go out with guys and get sex, saying he's happy for me if I have, but I think deep down, he doesn't want me to, he's just trying ridiculously hard to make me think he doesn't care but his desperation for me to see this, has done the opposite.

I messaged him a sex picture (I shouldn't have) I found which reminded me of us, probably because I had a sexual dream about him the night before and I wanted him to know. He immediately asked if I was horny and asked about my dream. He said boys will love how sexual I am. I said he won't be getting much so I thought I'd send him some but he said he had been getting some, he just didn't want to tell me (he said that before about kissing someone - of course he wants me to know). Anyway, I didn't respond like I normally would, I simply asked if he was happier now he had extra vagina but he kept saying "not discussing my sex life with you, I'm not asking if you've had sex, why do I have to tell you about my sex life?" despite never asking about that. I reiterated my question; "Do you think your decision of leaving me was worth it for the occasional hook up?" but he avoided the question a couple times which makes me think he feels he's not made the right decision. He asked why I wanted to know, then said he was enjoying himself. He never once gave me a direct answer of yes or no, but he said at the moment, he's happy and that he'll settle down in the future. I said he wouldn't settle down with me and that I hope this was all worth it and he responded with "I still have feelings for you". So does that mean that he does want to settle down with me in the future? Does he honestly think I'll wait around for him?

He then said enjoy the hot boys and randomly said he's going to Bristol this weekend. He said he'd be enjoying the English and I replied with okay. He said we're both enjoying ourselves so it's fine then randomly said he drove that BMW again. I responded with I don't really care after half an hour and he kicked off! He asked why I was messaging him, despite us talking just minutes before, telling me to leave him alone, to stop messaging him and then asked "what makes you come to me?" which I ignored, partially because I didn't understand what he meant. How can he go from a decent conversation to full on angry and telling me to stop messaging him?! He's mad.

I was posting quotes on Instagram this morning... because I can. I then received an aggressive message from him saying "what's with you and all these bloody quotes jheez!" and I replied with "don't follow me then". He said "You just can't keep it to yourself can you?" and I replied with a thumbs up and he said I was childish, although he was the one who kicked off about me posting things on Instagram.

He messaged me again just now saying "enjoy your rant hun" and I asked what he was on about and he said that ranting about him is all I'm doing apparently. Yeah, maybe on here (he doesn't know about this place) but I've not ranted to anyone. I said I wasn't and that not everything's about him, to stop acting like he doesn't care when it's obvious, then he said "it makes me laugh how childish you are". How is that childish?! Someone tell me!
I said he's the one kicking off about what I post on Instagram and that his mask giving out the impression that he's happier and having the time of his life is slipping off. He said "tell you what, don't speak to me again. I want nothing to do with you now. Bye". I told him about the fact that all the time I've messaged him recently, it's in response to him! I said that he's crumbling and the sex must've been pretty shit (that is if he's even had sex). Does he think I want anything to do with him now he's become the neighbourhood whore?

My ex does seem all over the place right now. One moment he's nice to me, next he hates me and wants nothing to do with me and next he's contacting me to rub something in my face which all makes it seem he's having a hard time and I believe he realises he made the wrong decision in losing me. I think he's realised that I'm not as into him any more, I've given up trying and don't react emotionally to the things he sends me. I'm not trying to get him back any more, I'm moving on and he's not liking it. I don't know why men find it so hard to be honest, face their feelings, tell us and then deal with it. My ex is trying to ignore his feelings, hide them to protect his pride and ego, whilst trying so hard to make out he doesn't care and he's happier. To me, that takes a lot more effort to do rather than just saying "I still love you, I miss you, I wish you were still in my life, I'm finding it hard, I'm not as happy as I make out, but I know we can't be together at this point in time". Not only do we come to the same level of understanding, he shows more maturity. Either way, I think for him, I'll always be the one that got away, the one who will always have his heart.


This image couldn't be more correct;