Saturday, 21 March 2015

Ex-soulmate

I met my ex yesterday and it was a bit awkward at first but we soon got a bit more comfortable talking about things. I would say things like "this would've been our third summer" and he'd say "don't remind me, I don't want to think about that". He later said "I'm your worst ex now" and I spoke about how I left my ex's but I found my "third time lucky, my soul mate and then he ran away". He said he didn't run away but I know "how to make someone feel bad" so he clearly has some feelings. I would occasionally refer back to things like that and he really didn't like it, showing that it bothered him. We bumped into my mum and he said how that was the most awkward situation he's ever been in.

After being to the shop and doctors, I asked what he wanted to do and he said we could go back to his and take the dog for a walk, whilst leaving my stuff at his which I didn't expect. When we were leaving his house, he walked behind me and I had this feeling like he would grab me from behind like he used to and give me a kiss, it really hurt when I remembered that we're not like that any more. As I was walking, I thought about how I hated not being a part of his life any more. I always knew what was going on and I was there to support him. I was the first to know if something was bothering him or what was going on in his life, but now I no longer was that.

We walked the dog like we always did, in the same places so it was a bit nostalgic but I wanted him to remember those good times. We walked back to his fairly soon after leaving because he had to pack because he was going to Manchester for a course over the weekend. We got to his, he let the dog in and I thought he was going to shut the door so we could talk but he gave me my things, then lingered by the door. He asked me if I wanted a hug and originally, I was thinking that I wouldn't hug him because it just wouldn't help me but I asked him if he wanted one and he smiled as he went to give me one. At first, it was a bit of a mess, I was holding my stuff and didn't know where to put my arms and I giggled. I expected it to be a brief one but he held onto me tight for a good 30 seconds or so. I loosened my grip a bit to make it appear that I was about to let go but he didn't flinch and kept hold of me. At one point, he moved his face into me a bit.

I left and went on my way home. I checked my phone when I got back and he'd already text me, like a minute after I left saying it was nice seeing me in person (that was the second time he said it) and I said it was nice seeing him too. He said he didn't think he was much company and I said "neither was I, I wasn't expecting much though". He said "I guess, well have a good day". I said I would, then realised I smelt like him so I text him that I smelt like him with an annoyed smiley face. He laughed and said he probably shouldn't have hugged me then. I said "Nah you seemed to enjoy it though" and he said he did enjoy the hug. He text me again before I replied saying "You smelt nice mind" and I said so did he but I didn't want to smell like him! Then he told me to enjoy the rest of the day and I didn't respond, we haven't spoken since then but I have a feeling he'll text me eventually.

The meet up made me feel a bit better, it made me realise that he does have feelings and he's missing me just as much, but also upset me because I couldn't cuddle/kiss him or be his girlfriend and I could feel the love between us. I hope he realises what he's missing over this weekend, I hope he thinks about it a lot and thinks about what he's doing. I hope he felt a strong pull to just whisk me up or cuddle me like he used to when we met up. I've never felt so strongly about someone and I certainly have never felt like a break-up was the wrong thing to do. I always tell people to never get back with their ex's but look at me now! To be fair though, our break up was mainly over boredom, wrong age and time getting together, all of which could be solved in time. I was a happier, better person when I was with him, now I feel like a huge chunk of me has gone missing. I wish I could just hold him one more time, as the perfect couple we were.



Extra: He followed me again on Instagram... at 2:40am this morning!

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