Thursday, 30 April 2015

Contradiction

Everyone tells you to be more confident in yourself, to love everything about yourself but the moment you show you're happy with yourself, people despise it and try to knock you down. If I wrote a status online now saying I thought I was very attractive or I stated a positive attribute about myself, I'd get an influx of hate or people will view me as pompous and no longer want to know me. All of this would be happening, whilst my mum tells me to be more positive and to love myself more. Sometimes I do feel confident in myself, but instantly worry if I say something that sounds the slightest bit conceited.

Can you see the contradiction here? I'm guilty of viewing someone as conceited if they show a bit too much confidence in themselves (or is that arrogance?), but then I think about this contradiction and support them. If arrogance is when you're sure of yourself and is often seen negatively, why are we told to love and be confident with ourselves? I honestly don't understand this logic.

Tuesday, 21 April 2015

Boys, boys, boys!

I know it sounds absolutely terrible and conceited, but I'm getting tired of all these guys messaging me since I became single. Can a girl breathe after a tough break up? I don't appreciate awkward sexual conversations or trying to manipulate me into bed. I don't like your creepiness about trying to date me or thinking I'm something special, telling me how you would treat me better than my ex's (they all say that, ex's included!). I joke in college, about having so many guys, like I enjoy it and to some extent, I do like feeling attractive and wanted (who wouldn't?) but it's a pain keeping up with them all, trying to be friendly but show you're not interested and keep up with their messages and their life details! That's one thing I like about being in a relationship - less guys come after you! You wouldn't think it could get tiresome but when you deal with so many disrespectful, time wasters, you just don't want to bother with anyone. Even more so when yet another guy has treated me terribly, the last thing I want now is more guys, repeating the same bullshit my ex told me.

One guy in college, I'm speaking to and since he's plucked up the courage to speak to me (he's 23), he doesn't really leave me alone. The thing is, I don't see him in that way, he's admitted that he would like to date me. He's awkward to talk to, I didn't realise he had bad teeth (like black, not crooked) and a beer belly, as well as bad breathe, so it's not comfortable when he is around. I've got to spend 4 hours with him tomorrow. I'm hoping it's not atrocious but I'm just going to play it cool and disinterested. I hate doing that though, I feel so mean. I just don't know how to give him the hint. I'm really bad at replying to his texts and I thought that would be enough to deter him, but nope!

I have been speaking constantly to one guy though, for the past like 24 hours. He knows my ex and his friends unfortunately, but he hates my ex. I thought he added me to give me abuse or spy on me for my ex but it turns out it isn't the case and we've been sending each other massive messages continuously. We have a lot in common, he does seem really nice and we kind of hint about meeting up eventually. In some of his photos though, he looks really hot and in others, not so much but we'll see if I meet him. I look forward to his messages though so that's a good sign, that hasn't happened in a while so there must be something going on! He's not a disrespectful, time waster too. Things are looking up!



Writing

I've started to really enjoy writing for some reason. I never would describe myself as a writer or tell someone that writing is my hobby but I'm starting to think it is. I write so many articles on GaG, this is my second blog that I've managed to keep fairly up to date, I've written advice articles on other sites before, I've joined Wattpad now and in less than a week, I already have an idea for a short story, despite thinking that I would most likely never write something there and I used to write a lot about personal experiences on another website that I no longer frequent.

I guess I never want to say my hobby is writing because it's seen as an unsocial introverted thing to be into that often doesn't have a real benefit, apart from good feedback from people who won't think twice about it later, that's if they read it. Kickboxing has benefits such as; weight loss, toning, socialising, balance, co-ordination, progression, certificates etc. What does writing have?

I also don't want to say it because people will ask me what I write or they may request to read it and seeing as most of the things I write are written fairly anonymously, I don't want someone I know well in person to read it. However, I did tell someone, a guy who I only recently started talking to and I down played everything, but he said it was awesome and a unique thing to be interested in. I still want to keep it on the down low. My writing style isn't for everyone and people who know me would think it's totally unlike the character they know in person.

I will continue writing until that bores me or until I achieve success in it somehow.

Friday, 17 April 2015

#YOLO

That phrase quickly became the bane of everyone's life a couple of years ago and understandably so. It was used excessively by young teens who wanted a phrase that would cover their poor decisions. It was an excuse for them to do stupid things and it somehow was considered an acceptable excuse. I never used the term and never planned on doing so... until recently.

I find myself thinking about the phrase, but rarely saying it out loud. Despite its stigma, it's actually a good phrase to follow; "you only live once". A meme soon came out saying "you live every day, you die once" which is true but people always go in too much depth about such things. For all we know, this is our only life, the only one we will ever have so you should make the most of every day and every opportunity that arises. I find the saying is similar to the statement, "what's the worst that could happen?", which also spurs you on to go out of your comfort zone every now and then and do something potentially great. I think it's healthy to go out of your comfort zone occasionally and it can often come with great benefits.

There have been times where I've told myself "you only live once" and I go and do something that I wouldn't normally do, I take more chance and opportunities when I follow the term, broadening my experiences, opening new opportunities and bringing excitement to my fairly menial life. Sometimes things with social stigmas that are viewed bad, can occasionally be beneficial to others.
I recommend that others think about the term "you only live once" more often. If you're nervous about speaking to someone new, think of that and take advantage of the moment. If you're debating whether to go out or not, think of that term and decide whether you want to make memories that day or just enjoy a hot bath, depending on what you prefer and what you want from life. After all, it's your life, you can do what you want with it. I think it's a great term that I will probably use for the rest of my life in order to make the most of it.

Thursday, 16 April 2015

I'm not lucky to be skinny

People occasionally remark on my weight saying I'm very skinny though I'm actually a healthy 9st 8lb (137lbs for you Americans) at the moment, which isn't super skinny and it's not overweight/chubby either. I'm in the healthy BMI range and I'm fairly happy with my body and how much I weigh. However, it bothers me when people say I'm lucky to be "skinny". Yes, when I was younger, I had a fast metabolism, I was about 8 stone and I ate more than I do now. That was a bit of genetic luck but most people have super fast metabolisms when they're young. When I turned 16, my metabolism started slowing down and now things get stored as fat more than they're digested. I also have quite a lot of muscle which could be down to the fact that I have weak joints. My muscles have always had to work harder so they've grown and I ultimately burn more calories than someone with less muscles. Again, it's not luck, it's something out of my control and having weak joints (possibly EDS) isn't fun - dislocations, soreness, subluxations, aches, clicking and weakness is not fun.

I'm not constantly on a diet, I'm just conscious of what I eat. I have three, decent sized meals a day and they aren't ever a big plate of vegetables or salads, I never eat those. I even have fast food on a fairly regular basis. I eat what I like... but in moderation. I now rarely eat between meals, unless it's something small and fairly healthy like yoghurt or fruit. I've drastically cut down the amount of crisps I eat (I used to eat them every day, up to three packets!) which inevitably makes you stop craving them - it does happen! Crisps are my favourite thing to eat but we stopped buying them so they weren't there to snack on and I didn't like spending money on them in college so I stopped eating them. I rarely get the urge to eat a packet of crisps, even if they're in the house, but if I'm really craving a packet, I will have one. It's not going to make me gain 5 pounds, it's just one packet in a month or two, not several, which is where some people go wrong.
I've cut down the amount of sugar I have in my tea. It used to be two, then it went to two and a half and up to three. Sometimes the tea would be too sweet to drink! After learning about the negatives of having large amounts of sugar in your diet, I've adapted myself to two small, leveled out teaspoons of sugar. Those are the two main changes I've ever made to my diet and only because I was having too much of them. Crisps full of fat and sugar filled tea every single day are not healthy choices.

As I've got older, I've had less interest in chocolate and sweets. I often feel repelled by them and other days I crave them. I still haven't eaten my last Easter egg, but half of my Easter eggs and chocolate were shared out to my family! Even then, I can have a chunk of the chocolate and put it away for the next day, something my mother remarked on. She said she wished she had as much self control as I did and I think that's the main reason behind my weight. I don't know where my self control came from but I know when to stop doing something. Sometimes I'll be eating a whole packet of onion rings and after some time, my brain's telling me to stop and I ignore it sometimes. I usually listen to it which helps keep my calorie intake under 1500 a day, but even super fit people who go to the gym almost every day, have "cheat" days where they eat fattening food. It shouldn't ever be banned entirely, it'll make you grumpy!

Aside from this, I do exercise at least once a week, as well as walking around college each day and working weekends. I'm active almost every day. I did a cardio and tone full body work out yesterday which I'm really feeling today (ouch!), that makes you drip with sweat. That full body workout is simply a programme I recorded on the TV, for free. It takes half an hour but it works every muscle, tones them and helps you lose weight. I did it yesterday morning, before I went to college. I did yoga for the first time this evening, which surprisingly made my heart pump and get some sweat pumping. I'm going swimming tomorrow and working on Saturday. That's not an average week but it shows that I'm still fairly active each week, doing a range of activities. We now have an old exercise bike someone threw out, which I sometimes go on when I have the time and energy. Up until recently for about two years, I went kick boxing once or twice a week which can burn up to 800 calories in one hour. I know if I didn't do all this activity and I continued eating like I did in high school, I would be a lot heavier than I am.

A few weeks ago, I weighed about 10st (141lbs), the heaviest I've ever been, though I hadn't changed my diet or the level of exercise. After I was ill, I dropped to 9st 5lb (133lbs) within a couple days but I'm now back up to normal. Sometimes weight just fluctuates. A pound of muscle weighs the same (possibly more) than a pound of fat. If you've worked out a lot, you can gain weight through water retention and muscle building so you shouldn't always trust the weight that's shown on the scales.

You may always see skinny people eating a large fattening meal every lunch time but when they get home, they might be having fruit smoothies and doing intense workouts. Overweight people seem to think that skinny people who eat a lot (when they're around to see it, that is), eat that much all the time so they do it too, not realising that actually, you need to exercise in order to eat that much. A couple of my overweight friends say I (and a couple others) eat a lot but don't gain weight and that "it's unfair". In some cases it is a fast metabolism but I work out and don't eat every minute of the day, my other friend works out and the other eats very little. The way my overweight friends talk about food, it's obvious that it's a big part of their lives, when food never is for me. Some people have said that eating is the favourite part of the day which is probably when addictions start. To my knowledge, my overweight friends do not do any intense physical exercise each week, they eat a lot as well as having large portions so it's no surprise that they're overweight.

I'm always open minded towards overweight people. I don't immediately put it down to being lazy and eating too much but sometimes, that is just the case. When I'm in work, I have breakfast (cereal) before I go, then about 5 hours later, I'll have lunch (poached egg on toast), then I'll work until about 9pm and have a small tea. If I'm really tired, I'll bring a sandwich around with me to nibble on, to give me energy. My co-worker is severely overweight but again, I didn't judge. We went to a call and after the call, she got into her car and she immediately pulled out this massive share size bag of crisps and took a handful. It was clear that she was munching on these crisps in between calls, the whole packet was probably about 500 calories. Now I think, she'll probably go home and have a big tea and eat more junk food. It was obvious she wasn't very active and didn't have a good diet.

When you work out and want to bulk up, you're expected to eat about 3000 calories a day so if you see a skinny person eating a ton of garbage, consider the fact that they're probably trying to bulk up, meaning they're burning it off and turning it into muscle when you're not around to see. They're eating according to what their body needs (which everyone should do) in order to achieve the look they desire. I know that in an average college day, I mainly need breakfast to get my brain working and to prevent myself from hunger pangs and headaches. I don't need much energy so I'll usually have a small lunch, like crackers, a yoghurt and some fruit. It's all about asking yourself what your body will need that day and not exceeding that on a daily basis.

Anyway, what I'm trying to is say that people who are thin are usually thin because they work at it. Being thin isn't a physical thing, it's about your mentality to your food, temptation and moderation. You can lose weight but if you don't have the correct mentality towards those three things, you will most definitely gain the weight again. Don't tell skinny people or people you view as thin as lucky or that it's unfair that they get to be thin. Or even worse, don't tell thin people to eat more. That's like telling an overweight person to eat less, that would be considered an insult and fat shaming and believe it or not, saying it can make a thin person feel just as bad as an overweight person would. Thin people are usually a perfectly healthy weight, eating enough calories to keep them going and don't need your input!



Check out; Overweight People Are In Denial

Sunday, 12 April 2015

Popping pills

My mum noticed that I was becoming depressed, that I was giving up hope and had no direction in life so we made a plan. We went to the doctor and got me a sick note so I could have time off work which made my boss hate me more though I've never done anything wrong. Having that time off work did seem to help me a bit as I got used to my new medication and tried to get back on track.

I'm now on Citalopram, an anxiety and depression medication. I was diagnosed with anaemia a couple weeks after so I have iron tablets twice a day. I'm also on antibiotics. The amount of medication I'm on has suddenly got so much, I have a medicine bag and now a dosage box just to manage. I feel like my elderly patients! It's hard remembering when to take them, some can't be mixed but this dosage box and Cortana (phone's PA) helps me out.
I had a bone scan yesterday too, they injected me with a radioactive substance and I couldn't be in contact with pregnant women and children for a day. I wanted to gain superpowers and enjoy a care free life... a girl can dream. I was a bit anxious because the last time I went to the hospital, I had a bit of a panic attack when I've never had a problem with hospitals before (that shows how bad my anxiety was getting!). Thankfully, the radiographer was really happy, cheerful and funny. He made me feel at ease and he actually brightened my whole day. It's amazing what other's good moods can do to you.

The Citalopram makes me drowsy so I take them at night. The side effects weren't too bad because they're a very low dose. After a few days, I felt more focused and so much more relaxed. I've never felt so relaxed in my life. I quickly realised how they could become addictive, it was what I imagine a high would be. Despite being a low dose, if I was late taking them, I would almost instantly spiral downhill, becoming extremely emotional, depressed, crying, suicidal and unmotivated. When that happens though, you realise you're taking them for a reason. When you have depression, you constantly think it's just you being weak and pathetic, that you're being an attention seeker because that's what society tells you so when you have panic attacks or have a huge wave of emotion like that when you're a few hours late taking your medication, it shows you that what you're experiencing is real and you haven't got much control over it. Though it's still not great that you're off your face on medication all the time just to function like other people do. I wish I could function normally and happily like I used to. I'm just not the same person any more.

In the past few days, my depression has started to creep back - no motivation, suicidal thoughts, constant low mood/sadness - so I'm wondering if I need a higher dose. I'm worried for the day I gradually come off these pills, I don't know if I'll cope or if I'll be hit with a wave of depression so hard, that I do something stupid. Let's hope not.


Wednesday, 8 April 2015

To you

"I've never done this for anyone before but I want to be honest with you. You were my other half, you made me complete despite me feeling like I was already complete. You made me feel more than complete. I found you when I was at my lowest, I started kick boxing after the abusive relationship and your smile lit the way to a happier life and I found that with you. I was wilted but your light brought me back and made me blossom. You showed me what love was and how I deserved to be treated, for a long time anyway. I never thought I could ever find someone as perfect as you and you were seriously the man of my dreams, yet I somehow got you and you unexpectedly fell in love. We fitted together like a puzzle. I felt invincible next to you, I never had panic attacks or anxiety when I was with you. We were beneficial to each other, like a little team. I showed you things and helped you become a better person and you did the same for me. You always showed me respect and we rarely argued. You were my bridge that kept me up, positive and happy so when you started becoming low and eventually left, I crumbled. I became delirious with pain, I acted completely out of character.
Meeting you the other day showed you weren't yourself any more and that upset me. I feel like I'm the one who brought you down when I should've lifted you up. You used to be so positive and ambitious, but I'd always try to ground you, show you the realistic side of things, that maybe brought you down. When I met up with you, I wanted for you to grab me from behind, give me a squeeze and tell me you loved me in my ear. I wished all of this was just a bad dream and that you were still there for me. I regularly looked online on ways to get you back, I've never done that before and it all started after I had an overwhelming feeling one night that you were the one, that I couldn't let you leave when you were my other half. But to have you treat me so badly after everything made it all more painful than it should've been. I used to wish that you would contact me saying you regretted it, that you wanted me back or at least wanted to talk to me again but that never happened so I eventually had to accept my fate of losing you. Now I've calmed down, I have to begin searching again but how can you start looking for a new partner, when you already found the one? That's what we both must do now.
I hope that I'll always be in your heart, that I'll always be that special someone to you, even years down the line. I hope that we can be on good terms again in the future or that you feel as strongly for me as I do for you, but for now I must live my life without you in it. I hope you go back to the happy, positive person I used to know, whose smile and laugh would light up anyone's day. That's what I want for you the most."



The letter I intend to send to my ex in the future, when I'm ready.