Monday, 18 May 2015

This isn't how anyone should live

I was pouring my heart out whilst driving to college today. I was crying quite a lot, running my freshly applied make-up in terrible driving conditions. I could barely see through the rain and my tears but I didn't care if I crashed. It was so bad, I was planning on skipping my first lessons; I didn't want people asking if I'd been crying but I thought I would just face it. I, almost instinctually, practised a smile before I got to my first lesson and no-one even noticed I'd been crying. Thankfully the room was dark and I'd gotten most of the tears out so I was ready to put on my façade - it worked. No-one suspected a thing. By the end of the day, I was physically crying with laughter.

This just isn't normal, happy or healthy. Why do I have to be the fucked up one and why hasn't anyone noticed that I'm dying inside? Is my façade that good? It's torture having to put on a smile but regularly planning out your suicide plan, you know, just in case things got too bad. I have a suicide plan ready for if I ever wanted to leave this world, inspired by the great Robin Williams and some facts from a popular pathologist.
Do other people do this or is this only for the mentally fucked up ones that society throws into a corner? I wonder how people, more importantly him, would react if I did die. It would probably be a relief for many and heartache for some. Would they ever feel guilty for not noticing me and my behaviour, for never asking how I am and checking I'm okay when I need support?

I wonder...


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