Monday, 29 June 2015

Mental Illness

I sometimes feel like I no longer have a mental illness. Lately, I've been feeling calm, with little to no anxiety, no panic attacks, no severe mood drops and no suicidal tendencies. It could all be down to the medication I'm on but it makes me feel like I was just going mad and making it all up in my head before, yet I know what I experienced was painfully real. People share their experiences of mental illness and their struggles which I totally sympathise with now I understand, but I find it hard to share my story because I'm starting to forget how it feels! I guess that's a good thing though. I know I had a lot of panic attacks, but I can only remember two of them. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe I'm just really good at distracting myself nowadays, spending hours on my laptop and taking an interest in writing stories online (something I never thought I'd do). I've ordered those adult colouring books for me and my mum which will also calm me, but it'll make me feel better and then I'll question myself again. Yet, despite this, the fear of coming off my medication is very real. I feel 90% sure that I'll go downhill again and start having panic attacks worse than before, caging me in a life of medication.

Mental illness sucks, but so does the recovery.

Wednesday, 10 June 2015


I'd been driving illegally for four months without realising because my MOT was overdue! I'm surprised I wasn't fined. Well let's hope I haven't been caught. My car failed its MOT yesterday though. I had it repaired and it came to £200+ :'( That's going to leave a dent in my bank! However, my car runs a lot better now! It had a broken spring, bad hand brake alignment, a broken bush bearing and a bald tire. The whole car feels sturdier and the handbrake is super strong now! It feels like I have a new car.

It's made me think about not selling it after a year, but investing more money into it so it's perfect. It wouldn't take much work or too much money. I don't like the idea of selling it to someone now when I've spent a lot of money, but there's nothing to show for it. I'm thinking of getting new bumpers, repairing the dent, changing the brakes and steering pump and possibly some welding. With all that done, it'd be like a new car! I could then sell it for more when the time comes. It has low mileage for an old car and its engine works fine so I think it has a long life ahead of it still. Or I could keep it as it is and then sell it for less, but buy a new car. I don't know what I should do!